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   So i can’t sleep tonight, it’s after midnight and i’m up working on making a necklace. I thought it a good thing at the time, and it was. But my mind is dancing all over with thoughts of other things and not even really on the necklace. Like “oh my goodness, did i mess up my leg? I really don’t have money to waste on an x-ray if it’s not broke really.” Then there are the thoughts about finally finding work but not having started yet and i know i just need to wait a bit longer but I’m one of those that wants to jump in and do it right away and if i can’t do it then i give up. I’m trying desperately to break that cycle.

    Also thinking about my plan for my jewelry stuff. Going to try and sell off as much as possible between the two vendor sales and then from there either gift items or try and sell them online or something. Then i switch over to my weight…. oh my! I am so angry at myself about this! I lost so much weight for a year and now it’s all back and then some! I’m like seriously sitting here crying about it. 😦  I don’t have good thoughts about myself…. and every time i try to change it with exercise or my eating habits i sabotage myself into failure.

   Then I see a verse of the day and it’s from Psalm 119 I’ve started to take the verse of the day and use it as a hook for myself to go read a part of the Bible i haven’t read before, and this is one of the ones i haven’t read before. It’s crazy long so i’m not going to post it here. It has 25 stanzas and each one has a “letter” of the Hebrew Alphabet as it’s header.  It’s pretty neat! But i sat there starting to read this i started thinking “this is me…. some thousand years ago a person wrote this and felt like i do”

     The meltdown of it is this…. We need to follow the commands that God placed into the Bible for us to read and follow. Even when bad things are happening to us…. even when we ourselves are a stumbling block we need to follow those commands/commandments. They are not just a suggestion. And there is more to them then just the “honor your mother and father”…. There’s more to it than just “Do not commit murder.” ..We need to research it and find out how God sees these commands and how HE wants us to follow through with them.

    THis is where i think convictions play a role too. Each person has their own convictions. I myself know that i can not drink alcohol really at all….I can not watch a lot of R rated movies with sex in them… I can not watch or hear about things that have realistic witchcraft or supernatural things in them (i can only watch the first 3 Harry Potter  movies…after that it’s a no go) .   See these are just a few of mine…. but i know that my friends and the people i see around me have different ones then me. They are going to follow some of these commands just a bit differently than me. And that’s ok…. in the end what matters is if we are following God’s will for ourselves.

Anyways….just my thoughts on this and that….

Frog

The World…

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    So I’m super excited to be looking into going back into the work world. I think this is what i was trying to do when i started my Jewelry business….  Don’t get me wrong I’ve really enjoyed it a lot!!  But the past few days i’ve sat down, did the numbers, the pros and cons, and so on. And i’ve come to the decision to wave the white flag. I’ll still have my Facebook page up and do orders if someone wants something but I’m no longer going to go to Vendor events or keep stock on hand. It’s been over a year…. it’s time.

   I’ve also told myself that i’m getting rid of my scale…well put it away anyways… i’m no longer going to look at it! It’s just depressing me. Instead i’m going to work out at least 5 days a week, go walking every day, and work on my eating habits….Also going to look into finding a Dance studio closer to us if possible so Hubbie and i can go back to dancing! I love it!  And i think that’s part of it… I need to work on doing things i enjoy…but also not let them rule me….like sitting around with a book…it’s good but not to do it all the time and never get moving.

  I read an interesting passage this evening that kinda going along with the many things i’ve been thinking about lately. I’ll share it….

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 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.”  -James 4:1-3

    It’s a pretty intense passage. I don’t think I have fought or quarreled about the things I’ve wanted…. or have i?  I had to sit back and think about that and then I realized i had! I fought with my husband, I’ve thought mean thoughts about others, and i’ve had arguements with my own self over this whole business thing!  It’s the same for the next part too… it may say Kill….and it probably did mean that but for me it’s not literal…. it’s metaphorical…it goes to my thoughts and anger. Don’t forget that it says in the Bible that  “‘You must not murder. If you commit murder, you are subject to judgment.’[c] 22 But I say, if you are even angry with someone,[d] you are subject to judgment!” – Matthew 5:21-22. 

   As i sat and thought about what to do i realized with this decision to start my own business i never did the most important thing…I never asked God about it…not seriously anyways. See God loves giving us our hearts desires…but we must do it in His timing and ask for His help.  I didn’t do that! So i guess i doomed it myself.  Because it says that we need to have the right motives at heart as well when we ask… again i don’t think i did. I just wanted it for myself and for my earthly wants.

    I have to say that in looking for a job now that i have a lot of peace about it… sure i’m nervous and excited but i also feel peace. I do want it so that i can get out and away every now and then…. but i also want it to help out teachers, to help out my family, and to teach. I have still done a lot of work in looking at other places… but everything keeps leading back to a “yes” so far with subbing at the schools.

     So for now i’m happy with this path I’m on… never know God might send me on a different one yet but It’s been interesting where He’s heading me right now. It’s always fun and interesting when i find a verse that makes me think and helps me make decisions!

Anyways….. just my thoughts for today!

Frog

weariness….

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     Today I am Weary! At first i thought it was my depression sinking into me again. But as i sit here and exam it closer… i realized it was more weariness then anything else. If you have ever dealt with depression you know how hard it can be to “feel” any emotion but sadness and despair…but here i am and able to think and process and know that that’s not what i’m feeling right now. NOPE! Well there might be a little of that lurking in the background but i’m working on pushing that out of my way until i can work through it.

        I just feel overwhelmed, underwhelmed, stressed, bored, excited, and afraid all at once and i guess that has led to this deep down bone numbing weariness. So many things going on around here, it being summer and the kids are out of school, plus looking for a good part time job, then having to look for a new Life Group (sunday school class) four ourselves and putting ourselves out there, trying to work on also my jewelry business (it’s not going so well really, the only time i have customers is at events…no orders means no business) , also family stuff, and lastly adjusting to a new place and the budget for the new place.

     All of this has made me just a little uncertain and lets face it a little crazy about everything. Then someone posted a verse today…and i was like “that is soooo me!!!”

28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”” —-Matthew 11:28-30

I always forget this verse…. it’s the most helpful verse but it’s the one i forget the most. I so need to go down on my knees and hand it all over to Him as i so can’t do this…. the more i think about it the more i become frustrated and angry. That of course won’t help at all… except to make it worse! So i loved having this reminder today to just take a deep breath and know the God’s got this!!!

Just a few thoughts for today.

Frog

Hopelessness…

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   Today i’m sitting on my bed crying as i type this….it seems to be my constant state of being. I have no idea if what i type helps others, but i do know it helps me. Today i need the help of releasing all these words to here so that hopefully i can process them or just move on.

   I’m so heartbroken about who i am, what i’m doing with my life, and how my marriage is going. And because i’m going to talk about my marriage i’m not going to share it to the normal feeds like i do.

   I see myself as always being this majorly messed up person with eye issues, anxiety issues, being sad, and having a bit of a temper. It’s never going to get better. Though I am now going to counseling, i just don’t see how it’s going to change anything.

   See put of my issues comes from things in my past but they also come from here and now. I feel unwanted, unloved, and like I’m just here to watch the kids and clean house. It seems to be the roller coaster ride of my marriage. I tried talking to H last night…tried telling him how I’m feeling like we’re just two roommates and theres nothing else really there. H then says “well, i got my rent money”.  I guess he meant it as a joke but to me it’s a slap in the face… nothing is truly mine as he pays for everything, I have my van in my name but it’s breaking down…which means a loan probably and that means it’ll be under his name. It also hurts as when he stepped out on our marriage he came home one night and when i told him to get out he said very plainly “i don’t have to it’s my home, i pay for it”….at that point i just crumbled inside…like seriously i had been screaming, but as soon as he said that i got quiet, and i just said “yes, it’s all yours” and i began to pack my bags with the few things i could claim.  Now apparently i didn’t leave leave…as i’m still here, but it was very close.

    Days like today i wish i had…but yet i don’t. I mean I love my Husband… it’s there in the deep parts of my heart, I love him, but the pain and loneliness i feel just makes me wish i had. Though i know if i had finding another spouse wouldn’t fix it… i’m not going to magically find that perfect someone and we’ll live happily ever after. There is no perfect….and there is no happily ever after. If you’re reading this and you’re single and you think like this…. sorry but wake up and smell the sewers…there ain’t no roses. If you think “oh she’s just saying that because her marriage is messed up” Think again! I can point to members of my family, some friends, and even some neighbors…they are either in a marriage like mine or have married many times trying to find “perfect”…they’ll tell you the same thing i just did. It ain’t real!

      This is another part that bugs me… H will believe or at least acknowledge a professional or things said by other people more readily than anything i suggest or say. It has gotten to the point at times where i will give an idea and then say it was “so and so”‘s idea and he’ll go with it right away and love it and yayness happens. I know lying is bad and a sin and i’ll probably get my butt kicked when i get to Heaven for it all…but i just want my opinion to matter, to matter to my husband…you know the person that is supposed to be MY partner? So H had been out of town… he comes back and i have a cold sore (i get them often in winter when everyone is sick and have so since i was a child). Now cold sore are this annoying thing, they are a form of herpes it’s one that is so common most people have it and don’t know or are like me and know and try their best to not spread them.

    So here i am making sure no one drinks from my glass, make sure not to kiss my kids (as a mom it’s almost automatic to kiss their cheek ), or kiss my husband.  Well while it was healing i bit my lip, same area and really hard too, to the point it was bleeding. Well..it all finally heals except the bite area and since it’s in the same location it looks like i still have a cold sore. H will not believe that i don’t have it anymore and i think he thinks i’m purposely trying to “infect him”. Ok this is what makes me so mad… seriously if you have cold sores the virus that causes them is in your system ALL THE TIME, seriously! the only reason they show up is because if you are stressed, sick, or some other issue …it’s going to lower your immune system to where the sores can then form. We always have the virus though…though true you can’t spread it unless you have a sore visible! Now my cold sore has been healed for over a week now…even the bite area is healed but just my luck it’s left a scar…a permanent red area on my lip where it had been. H now still refuses to kiss me. I seriously feel like a Leper that is diseased and gross and disgusting. Totally not helping with my depression or the feeling of not being wanted in this marriage.

    This wednesday i go back into the counselor and i want to just walk in, sit down, and say “i can’t do this anymore.” I want a husband that thinks i’m pretty and says it… even says it when it’s not true…I want a husband that shows some kind of emotion that says i matter to him. I even gave him a challenge to tell me “You’re Pretty” each day just once… i didn’t care if he meant it but i need to hear those words for the one person who matters. Not from guys in the store saying that and then asking if i’m married.   I don’t want to keep living this way. We’re finally listing our house… we’re finally moving and all of a sudden it just all doesn’t matter to me. Heck even the kids don’t matter….. i mean i love them but yet all i want is for them to go away. They just seem to remind me that all i’m good for is sex and making babies and that’s it…. I’m not worthy of love or being cherished or anything.

And i guess that is why this is labeled Hopelessness….. I have no hope anymore.

Frog

Depression….

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  Depression…. man, i can go weeks even months feeling “normal” and then BAM! I’m feeling like the world hates me and no one really wants to hang out with me…. again. I’ve been asked by Doctor’s and now some Counselors when i think it all began. Thinking on it at first i thought “well i’ve always had it”…then they made me just stop a moment and think…hmmm yeah no i think it was around the time of 3rd grade a lot of things happened during that year and after. Things that scarred me for life and things that just should’ve never happened. Though sometimes i wonder about 1st grade… to be honest i can remember kindergarten but first grade the only memory i have is of me crying in my mom’s arms saying “don’t leave me she’s so mean!” outside the classroom. So yeah i wonder. But then it could be i’m nearing 30 and just my brain going. ….Like now and me rambling about this instead of the topic.

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     You know there is a difference between sadness and depression. Depression is a sadness so deep and consuming that you can’t think or breathe without wanting to just end it..give up…throw in that towel.  I’ve learned to shake it out of my head though. Going for walks, exercising, praying, reading and occupying my mind. Oh there are weeks where it grips me so hard i can’t shake it and normally those are the weeks that i close myself off from people more so then normal. There are different types of Depression too… most common is Seasonal (happens mainly during winter as things are dead and gray for so long it just effects certain people more so), then for ladies there is a depression that can take hold of us right before and during that horrible week for us.  Then there is also a bunch of others out there as well… i highly recommend looking them up and seeing if maybe you fit one or more. Sometimes Doctors are quick to say it’s one type when it could be more.

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  It’s hard when you’re depressed and all you want to do is have fun or spend time with your kids and all you can do is think about is bad things. Then you think about all the things you’ve missed out on and again those feelings of failure and shame come up and it just makes it all the more difficult to crawl out of this horrible feeling.

   Recently i got a whole lot of numbers from some awesome women that encouraged me to text or call when i felt this way… oh but man is it hard to pick up that phone and text those words to someone… “yeah hi i’m texting to tell you i can’t do this and i need someone to talk to because i’m a failure”. Oh i know that’s not the truth…but that is what my mind whispers to me and i just don’t want to feel that on top of my already messed up feelings so i just trying to do it myself. Which is bad… very bad! The more we try to do it ourselves the more we push the world and God out of our lives and say “i have to do it myself! No one can help me!” It puts strain on friendships and other relationships all together. I have now slowly started to just be real with my spouse… “Hunnie, I’m just feeling really down today”…you can’t believe how much of a break through that is for me!

     I’m going to be real right here and right now….I have tried to hurt myself multiply times… one time i almost succeeded. And i want to say…if you are in that area… if you are hurting yourself, let me tell you something that i didn’t hear often enough…

Don’t do that anymore…you matter so much! I know you feel alone and lost and like there is no light at the end of the tunnel anymore…but listen to those of us that have been there and done that…you matter! You are loved! You are special and beautiful! There is only one you and the world would be a horrible place with out you! Hang on to someone…message me…seek council and help… oh there are just so many of out there that have been right there and we will reach out to you! 

  Depression is not a laughing matter, it’s something real…and dangerous… and horrible to deal with. Give someone a hug or just a couple of those words i wrote up there ….we could all benefit from those words being said to us on a daily basis.

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  These are just some of my thoughts on this matter… and some of what has gone on in my life. I hope to go back and touch more on these topics again as i get more comfortable writing and letting people know my thoughts.

Frog

Just…Kids!

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   You know i love my kids. I really do! But on days like today all i want to do is escape! I want to run away and be free to have fun or clean to my heart’s content without it being ruined 5 seconds later! I’m not sure if it matters what gender they are…but yeah i have 3 boys. They are awesome! Some days i wish i had a daughter so i wasn’t so outnumbered but i think God knew what he was doing when he gave me nothing but boys. I was a tomboy growing up and only now am i starting to get “girly” but i will still look up a cool new bug, read stories about sharks and dinosaurs, and play with Legos.

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    If you didn’t know this then beware… there is NO PAIN LIKE STEPPING ON A LEGO PAIN! No i’m dead serious here… those things are evil! There is a comedian that does a shtick about them…look up Tim Hawkins and Legos. Hilarious! … and unfortunately TRUE! Now see my boys get Legos every year for birthday and Christmas, this past weekend i packed up every last Lego i could find and put it in and box and taped it shut… i told them that that box is now set for moving and they could not open it. Funny but i was cleaning today and found another handful of LEGOS! They are everywhere! My kids think it’s funny and that i’m a horrible parent for packing their Legos up. I think i’m super smart as this is the first time we are moving and have to sell a place first and i just can’t keep up with them and get this place in shape…so every toy but 3 for the older ones and a handful of toddler toys were packed up and set aside. YAY! Less cleaning! HA! Walked into the living room this evening and the toddler had destroyed all my work and the older ones just sat there and watched!

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     I love my kids… i can’t say that enough! But i seriously wonder if they sit down and plot how they are going to drive me crazy! I have my oldest “J” who is nearing those “teen years”, I have “E” who is just a couple years behind “J” and has anger issues (my own fault), and then we have “M” who is the toddler….and lets just say the other two were a breeze compared to him! Don’t let the cuteness fool you! He has a destruction rate of an EF5 Tornado and a mean streak like that of a Rattler! But i wouldn’t trade him or his brothers for anything. They brighten my life and make me think outside the box. They make me stay spontaneous and remember to have fun with people, because i have a bad mindset of people i would rather sit down with a book and read for hours on end, they remind me to not sit there but go!

    But sometimes i wonder if i’m doing this parenting thing right. All these new rules about “oh you can’t discipline your child that way!” or “why would you let your child do that?” just make you feel like a failure 100% of the time! There is just no real winning! I don’t give my kids a lot of chores… i don’t even really give them daily chores. I usually end up saying on some random day “hey can you go clean your room please?” which 2 hours later turns into “i asked you to clean your room nicely now get in there and clean!” I’m trying to work on this as i want my kids to know that there are things they must do on their own, no one is going to hand them anything. But then i want them to know that they can ask for help and receive it …at least from me.

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     Finding that healthy balance is hard! Right now i’m reading some books that are helping me and they are all by the same person…First one was Made to Crave, second was Unglued, and Third (which i have ordered but have read the first chapter and it’s awesome!) is the book called The Best Yes… all these books are written by Lysa TerKeurst. She is an amazing writing..mainly because she is real. She is a Christian writer…. but i have heard from non Christians that they even like them. So i highly recommend checking them out. (i wasn’t paid to say that either!) Parenting is hard and i’m just glad i found something that clicks with me and seems to be helping me find that healthy balance.

    So if you have ever sa there and wondered “wow this kids are driving me crazy!” don’t worry you’re not alone! Our kids are Blessings….but they sure can toe that line!

  I hope this helps someone!

Frog

Christianity or Discipleship….

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Ok i know that this is one of those controversial topics… and you know what…this is what i think and how i feel. I don’t want to get in a fight all i want to do is write out how i feel about this and have it there for someone if they are feeling the same way. (little note: if you leave a vulgar and just down right nasty comment on this it WILL be deleted or flagged.  You can have your opinions but nastiness will not be tolerated!)

When i was a little girl i heard the stories, sang the songs, did the plays, even went and got baptized. But i believe i truly did not know what that meant at that time. I think i was just wanting to make people happy…. I looked around and saw the two-faced people, the liars, the pornography junkies,  thieves, and so on still doing all this stuff but calling themselves Christians. I was so sickened by this i turned my back a total 180 degrees and said “i’m not a Christian anymore! I don’t want anything to do with them!” And for a while i felt that was right… but i still felt empty and alone. I tried dating “Christian” men and they treated me like dirt…worse then dirt. So i tried dating the opposite…guess what? They treated me so horribly i just wanted to end it.

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     But through it all i still yearned for something… anything… that would make me feel loved again. After 7 years of abuse from the men population i said “NO MORE! I’m not dating, i’m not looking!” But it didn’t last. I thought a man was what i needed. I finally found a wonderful man and he’s an amazing husband and father to my kids. But that’s a different story.  I met a guy that invited me to a more upbeat Church and it just so happened to have service on my one free night and so i went… i liked the feel of it and the times fit for my work. I started going without him and just went for myself… i was looking and searching… i knew my life had to mean something and that someone had to care.  In the course of that year i gave myself back to God and thought it’ll be better now. HA! I keep forgetting about that verse that PROMISES hardship when you are a Follower of Christ.

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       About 6 months later i marry my husband and we have our first child together. (During all this i was a single mom of a toddler) We also moved from Indiana to Texas….I was so excited to get out of Indiana that i didn’t stop and think of what it would be like to have no family or friends around. That first year was hard… like oh man what have we done hard! I found myself slipping back into old ways and becoming resentful and bitter and just down right mean! The Church we were going to had a good service but had nothing to help us get into it more so…no bible studies, no sunday school classes, and most of all they had no resources available to us when our marriage started to falter. It wasn’t for us. At this time a friend invited us to her Church and i started attending and took my husband as soon as he got back from a business trip. We liked it. We’ve been going now for almost 4 years and it feeds us and we’re learning a lot. Not only that but it has helped us stay married.

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       This Church has helped me realize that i can’t keep looking at what other people are doing with THEIR walk.. I got to look at mine and go “am i happy with what i’m doing? am i showing the example that i know i should?” There was a lesson that was given and it talked about how “Christian” is only used 3 times in the Bible…but “Disciple” is used many times. In the Bible most people called themselves Followers of the Way or Disciple and only people that didn’t know what was happening called them Christians. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. I mean really anyone and everyone can call themselves a Christian, goodness i’ve heard stories of businesses and people doing just that so they can become rich! But can we call ourselves a Disciple? A teacher? A Follower of the Way? What do our actions say?

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Don’t get me wrong…doing the right thing is hard…specially in this time of craziness. I’m not saying we need to be perfect…only one person is perfect and he died for us. i’m saying i want for myself to try my best to do the right thing and lean on a person that loves me unconditionally and asks for nothing in return but my trust and faith in Him…. wow. I want to be a teacher to my kids…that times are going to be hard…but we can make it good or we can sit and wallow in our misery. I want to teach my kids that God is a loving and kind person and not someone that sits there and hates you and does things to you to make life harder on purpose….

Maybe none of this makes sense… maybe i’m just rambling on and on… but hopefully someone reads and goes… wow yeah that!

Frog

Anxieties….

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Let me say… Anxieties are one of those subjects that people will sit there and say “oh just get over it! You are totally faking it!” To which i say hush up unless you have actually experienced having an anxiety attack i don’t want you’re opinion.

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   This is a very touchy subject for myself, personally, as I had fears…i was and still am afraid of the dark, heights, and planes. But 4 years ago while i was driving i had a major muscle spasm…scared me bad as it made me feel like i was having a heart attack and like i was going to pass out and never wake up. Then just 4 months later i get in a wreck… you know one of those stupid ones where you think “going to beat that light!” and so does the other person and BAM! Unfortunately i had my two oldest in my car with me at the time with both of these things and now if i’m by myself or just me and my kids I will have major anxiety attacks while trying to drive. I used to be able to drive all over the place and take myself to things and be FREE!! Now i depend on my husband a lot for getting places..and happy pills so i don’t go over the imaginary ledge.

Classics are the BEST!
Classics are the BEST!

It’s amazing how driving went from my thing for feeling free and calming down and just sheer enjoyment to my prison, cage, curse, and terrifying experience. To make this even worse i started having eye issues…i go to the eye Dr. and he informs me that i have Glaucoma…WHAT?! I’m not even 30 yet? How can this be? I thought this was something for when you were in your 60s or so? Apparently it’s a hereditary thing and can show up whenever it likes OR show up super early due to trauma. Well my grandpa on my dad’s side has it…yay me! So to add to my anxieties as night falls i can’t see well to drive. The darkness and the fast motion makes it hard for my eyes to focus 100% of the time and sometimes i have to close my eyes or i’ll get a massive headache.

At this time my husband is traveling a lot for work and i start having these weird chest pains that take my breath away, sometimes they are so bad i can’t catch my breath and start to hyperventilate. Then a sensation of the room spinning and then slowly getting dark starts and then i’ll snap out of it heart racing and feeling like i just came out of a short nap/fog. I couldn’t even begin to guess what this was and the Dr.s just kept saying it’s in my head and started labeling me as a Hypochondriac and shoving me off to the side. I go to a new Dr. and they say the same thing and write that nasty word down again. I finally got up the curage and told my Chiropractor what i was experiencing and he was like “well duh! you’re having anxiety attacks!” What? That’s a real thing? Funny that normal Dr.s had no idea what was going on but my “CHIROPRACTOR” did!

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    So i finally found a Dr. this last year that was nice and kinda in my face about some of my health things.

1. He gave me happy pills…nothing major…actually the smallest dose you can be on. and that seemed to take the edge off.

2. He pointed out that yeah i need to loose weight but here is how you can do that, first one to actually give me a plan to follow, all the others just said “do it” and then sent me on my way. (btw i’m down like 40lbs since going to him and though it’s kinda stopped i know that’s on me as i have been cheating on this plan OOPS!)

3. he pointed out if i get some of my health things under control and work on them they may go away or at least get better.

Finally someone that takes their job to heart and helps and gives you the tools to succeed!

In the past year my anxieties have been getting better though, I’m starting to tell myself things like “you can do this, just like riding a big bike” , “doesn’t’ matter who is driving,bad things can and will happen while you or your husband drive so might as well get out there” …you know a little pep talk before i get in the van. Now that we are trying to move again it has made me wonder…will this make my anxieties better or worse? I’m i going to find excuses to stay in my home and not leave? Am i going to drive my husband crazy with all these requests to drive me places? Will i loose friends due to these nasty little worries and panics? (Actually i think i’ve lost quite a few so far…not sure if this is the reason or what but yeah)

I’m not on here to give awesome advice… I’m not on here to get tons of followers or anything like that. (if i do hey that’s cool!) I’m on here to have something to write down my thoughts, concerns, and just what is going on in MY life…and see if maybe someone needed to see they are not alone.

Anyways… that’s a little bit about me and those nasty anxieties….. you know… i hope someone reads this and says “hey that is so me! I’m not alone! yay!”

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Kids and School Part 2….

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     Ok so while i’m dealing with all this stuff with my oldest son, I also have to opposite problem with my middle child. Let’s say his name is “E” and he is one of those shy, quiet kids that is polite and really tries to be good when away from home. Then he gets home and is talking a mile a minute jumping on furniture, and terrorizing his older brother to the point i’ll have to send him to his room for a while.

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      Now see “E” is a really good kid but him and his brother “J” have the same problem, they give in to peer pressure very quickly and i worry about this. In this past year “E” has slowly gotten out of his shell at school, he participates, he volunteered to do a dancing part in the school performance, he even went and said the Pledge of Allegiance over the loud speaker! I’m very proud of him for doing these things. BUT! On the other hand he also got in trouble for swearing in class, hitting a kid, and has come home wanting to play these new demonic games. I worry about him!

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      This kid is academically soaring, but socially not so much so we had him repeat Kindergarten and he finally went on to First Grade this year. We got a TON of flack from the school when we held him back. We put it like this “he is the youngest in his class and though yes he is doing great academically he is struggling socially and we worry that it will just get harder for him we want to hold him back one year so he is then closer to the older side of the kids in his grade, and to be honest we have a letter from a non-school counselor that recommends just this” So at this point they have too and then just ruffles their feathers. So because he’s doing so well they recommend putting him in the step up Math and Reading program to challenge him. We do so and he seems to do just fine. This year we are asked again if we want to put him in that program, we decide to ask him what he would like to do and he says “no i don’t want to do this at all!” So we tell them thanks but no thanks this year. The teacher is confused and wants to know why. I tell her that we don’t want to force him into these classes, he’s only in first grade! They back off.

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      But now i’m wondering if it was the right move as he seems bored and that’s why he’s getting into more trouble this year. When we told him we are moving he was super excited! Now he realizes that he wont see his friends really anymore as we’re moving several towns away. He’s kinda bummed! But he wants some more space and i think he wants to move to a different school where they don’t know he had to repeat a grade.

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   SO i find myself with these two polar opposites in the school and life areas and some days i’m just not sure how to deal with them fairly. Really there is no fair way, “J” has his things and “E” has his things and to throw into the mix we also have “M” who is just a toddler and he has HIS things! All this craziness for school and life….. but really….i would change it…not one little bit.

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Kids and Their Schooling Part 1…

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Kids….oh man, kids are a Blessing, a joy, wonderful, awesome, fun, entertaining, ummm annoying, frustrating, and oh my goodness what in the world have you done!? Wait… what? Yeah Everyone is so fast to tell you the good things about kids…. or they are even faster about telling you the bad things about kids. What if we sat down and talked about BOTH? Kids are one of those subjects that seems to be a rabbit hole in the media. The more you try to talk about it the further you dig into the ground and can’t get up. I have no wants to talk about that kinda stuff. Here all i want to do is talk about my struggles i have and maybe someone else is having them too or have been down this road and can give me advice.

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So… my oldest child, let’s just say his name is “J”, struggles academically. He is super smart, but for him writing and reading are really hard for him. Last year he was in Third Grade and had an amazing teacher…but he was pulled out for an hour each day to work more one on one. This year they did away with that and introduced inclusion for the Special Education program. We said well we can’t change it but we can observe and see how this goes. So we have. His main teacher and his help teacher are pretty good. The help teacher has been with him a couple years now and knows him and his study habits…i think she’s pretty awesome. The main teacher is ok…just that she helps and guides and teaches…but no extra mile or outstanding communication skills. When i pointed out that the Spelling was not going well at all we sat down and modified it to where it was challenging him but not a frustrating struggle. I liked that about her.

Now they have the kids start have a second teacher for a couple classes in fourth grade (this floored me…i didn’t start having 2 teachers till 7th grade) So for math and social studies “J” went to yet another teacher… this teacher did not communicate with me at all through out this year, when we tried to talk to her she just brushed it off with “i’ll send more practice home”. On top of that in Math at half way he was getting Fs on his progress reports….but still no communication from her. It’s now the end of the year and i can’t even look at her as i’m just so upset with how she just will not talk to me. But it’s not just that the fact that the Special Education program continues to ignore the fact that my son was improving so much last year and then this year it was barely a move up, they still want to call that progress and that they did their job.

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Yesterday i went to the annual ARD meeting… it’s a meeting Special Education kids’ parents go to every year so the school can point out what they did, the kid’s progress, and what they plan on doing for next year. Now they ask the parents if this is ok and if they agree with this, and a lot of times i don’t and i voice that, but really they don’t want me to say anything so they can go on and leave for the next thing. Well i threw them for a loop. They opened up and they said that this lady here is also from the main office and needs to talk to me and i said “that’s great because i have a few things to say too and it’s good she’s here” She opens up and tells about how every 3 years kids have to be reevaluated and so on and so forth….and then i say “we’re moving out of your school district”. Everyone stops. They are all looking at me, i don’t do good with this kind of situation but i’m going to wing it. I tell them that the Help teacher has done a wonderful job but we’re frustrated, last year “J” did such an amazing improvement and then this year you dump on him a change in classroom settings, a new system of how he gets his help, and on top of that you do all of this on a year that you totally change up the Learning Curriculum for the state. This wasn’t well planned or thought out… i think this was too much change for him and it shows in his grades and attitude.  I tell them the schools we are looking at as that question was voiced by the Vice Principal….HAHA! Guess they want to know who their competition is!  I did slip and say we are also spending so much time there that it just makes sense. Of course they grab onto that and tada it’s no longer their fault. *sigh*!!!!

Then i mention the teacher (who was not even there) that i’m having problems with and noted the reason why. It was acknowledged but nothing more. Wonderful. So 45 minutes later my two oldest are on their way home and i’m not there so i’m running out of the school to get home and they are there already and thankfully they are not freaking out. I left that meeting feeling somewhat defeated and going over it again and again going “man they turned a lot of the problems onto me and they didn’t own up to really any of them”. It just seemed to validate our move more. Though we’re not naive and think it’ll be sunshine and roses there either but maybe just maybe the set up might be a little better, and there might be more caring and devoted teachers at the next place.

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Which gets me to the point of….if you are looking to move and want to know how the school’s special education program is, there is no way that i can tell to find out without getting bias opinions. You have the school grades online that you can find easy…for general teaching. I have looked on the net for any type of hint at how the teachers are with it, both normal and help teachers. I have a couple friends that have kids in the system and have pointed me to schools…but i’d love to get more advice..more opinions as to which schools really would help and love my kid and not just see him as a number.

It’s just all a bit overwhelming and scary….but it’s totally worth the hassles and fights, because my kid is totally worth it.

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