Judgement….

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    So i’ve been trying to write another blog post and it just was NOT sounding right. So i saved the draft and let myself just relax and think. I realized i wanted my view heard, I wanted it to be recognized and acknowledged. That’s just not going to happen in the world we live in today. And that’s ok.

Today i read a devotional by Lysa Terkuerst about being that one that didn’t get invited. Wow…she said clearly how I have felt most of my life. BUt she went on and talked about how we can not let that define us. It’s not our identity….  And i realized that’s exactly what I have been doing. I’ve let it’s define me….I no longer see myself as “Monica, art lover, animal lover, caring person, and just a little zany” but I see myself as “monica, girl not invited, not cared about, in the way, and isn’t worth much.”

      This is such a painful way to see yourself. No worries, I’m working on not seeing myself in this light anymore. It’s a slow road. But it brings me to something that hit me today and that is: How we see ourselves often influences how we treat other people.

       Let that sink in for a moment. And here’s the verses I read that helped me see this.

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“My dear brothers and sisters,[a] how can you claim to have faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ if you favor some people over others?

For example, suppose someone comes into your meeting[b] dressed in fancy clothes and expensive jewelry, and another comes in who is poor and dressed in dirty clothes. If you give special attention and a good seat to the rich person, but you say to the poor one, “You can stand over there, or else sit on the floor”—well, doesn’t this discrimination show that your judgments are guided by evil motives?

Listen to me, dear brothers and sisters. Hasn’t God chosen the poor in this world to be rich in faith? Aren’t they the ones who will inherit the Kingdom he promised to those who love him? But you dishonor the poor! Isn’t it the rich who oppress you and drag you into court? Aren’t they the ones who slander Jesus Christ, whose noble name[c] you bear?

Yes indeed, it is good when you obey the royal law as found in the Scriptures: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”[d] But if you favor some people over others, you are committing a sin. You are guilty of breaking the law.

10 For the person who keeps all of the laws except one is as guilty as a person who has broken all of God’s laws. 11 For the same God who said, “You must not commit adultery,” also said, “You must not murder.”[e] So if you murder someone but do not commit adultery, you have still broken the law.

12 So whatever you say or whatever you do, remember that you will be judged by the law that sets you free. 13 There will be no mercy for those who have not shown mercy to others. But if you have been merciful, God will be merciful when he judges you.” James 2:1-13

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I know this is a lot so i’m just going to talk about how i feel about these verses and what i got from them.

To me this whole thing tells me that i can not put one person above another…in my home, in my work area, in public, in private…. and so on. I should not make ANYONE more important than another of my human companions. Yes we should show respect to our bosses and leaders (still working on this) but they are NOT more important than say my next door neighbor.This goes for that person that may not have invited you to an event. Just because they didn’t invite you don’t let that person become more important than others…including yourself.

The last part really struck me… if we do not show mercy then God is not going to show US mercy! To me i figured this means forgiveness as well. If i don’t forgive all the people that have hurt me then i’m not showing mercy…I’m letting all those feelings fester inside of me and God is going to judge me on that! That’s a scary thought!! I think this includes all those little times that i had a pang or fit of jealousy that i wasn’t included. We are not to envy…jealousy is in a sense just another name for Envy. So it is something i definitely need to work on!

So…in a sense…no matter who we are, how much money we have, how many friends we have or don’t have….we’re all the same…we’re all important to the same degree to God and we should treat each other the same way. If we let our jealousy/envy, or our hurts rule us than we’re not going to be able to do the main command from the Lord….. “Love One Another, As I have LOVED YOU!”

Anyways…. I know i didn’t touch on all of the verses in this one and i will later on I promise. 🙂 The Book of James is totally worth it.

Just what i’ve been thinking about and learned about.

Frog

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Christianity or Discipleship….

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Ok i know that this is one of those controversial topics… and you know what…this is what i think and how i feel. I don’t want to get in a fight all i want to do is write out how i feel about this and have it there for someone if they are feeling the same way. (little note: if you leave a vulgar and just down right nasty comment on this it WILL be deleted or flagged.  You can have your opinions but nastiness will not be tolerated!)

When i was a little girl i heard the stories, sang the songs, did the plays, even went and got baptized. But i believe i truly did not know what that meant at that time. I think i was just wanting to make people happy…. I looked around and saw the two-faced people, the liars, the pornography junkies,  thieves, and so on still doing all this stuff but calling themselves Christians. I was so sickened by this i turned my back a total 180 degrees and said “i’m not a Christian anymore! I don’t want anything to do with them!” And for a while i felt that was right… but i still felt empty and alone. I tried dating “Christian” men and they treated me like dirt…worse then dirt. So i tried dating the opposite…guess what? They treated me so horribly i just wanted to end it.

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     But through it all i still yearned for something… anything… that would make me feel loved again. After 7 years of abuse from the men population i said “NO MORE! I’m not dating, i’m not looking!” But it didn’t last. I thought a man was what i needed. I finally found a wonderful man and he’s an amazing husband and father to my kids. But that’s a different story.  I met a guy that invited me to a more upbeat Church and it just so happened to have service on my one free night and so i went… i liked the feel of it and the times fit for my work. I started going without him and just went for myself… i was looking and searching… i knew my life had to mean something and that someone had to care.  In the course of that year i gave myself back to God and thought it’ll be better now. HA! I keep forgetting about that verse that PROMISES hardship when you are a Follower of Christ.

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       About 6 months later i marry my husband and we have our first child together. (During all this i was a single mom of a toddler) We also moved from Indiana to Texas….I was so excited to get out of Indiana that i didn’t stop and think of what it would be like to have no family or friends around. That first year was hard… like oh man what have we done hard! I found myself slipping back into old ways and becoming resentful and bitter and just down right mean! The Church we were going to had a good service but had nothing to help us get into it more so…no bible studies, no sunday school classes, and most of all they had no resources available to us when our marriage started to falter. It wasn’t for us. At this time a friend invited us to her Church and i started attending and took my husband as soon as he got back from a business trip. We liked it. We’ve been going now for almost 4 years and it feeds us and we’re learning a lot. Not only that but it has helped us stay married.

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       This Church has helped me realize that i can’t keep looking at what other people are doing with THEIR walk.. I got to look at mine and go “am i happy with what i’m doing? am i showing the example that i know i should?” There was a lesson that was given and it talked about how “Christian” is only used 3 times in the Bible…but “Disciple” is used many times. In the Bible most people called themselves Followers of the Way or Disciple and only people that didn’t know what was happening called them Christians. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. I mean really anyone and everyone can call themselves a Christian, goodness i’ve heard stories of businesses and people doing just that so they can become rich! But can we call ourselves a Disciple? A teacher? A Follower of the Way? What do our actions say?

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Don’t get me wrong…doing the right thing is hard…specially in this time of craziness. I’m not saying we need to be perfect…only one person is perfect and he died for us. i’m saying i want for myself to try my best to do the right thing and lean on a person that loves me unconditionally and asks for nothing in return but my trust and faith in Him…. wow. I want to be a teacher to my kids…that times are going to be hard…but we can make it good or we can sit and wallow in our misery. I want to teach my kids that God is a loving and kind person and not someone that sits there and hates you and does things to you to make life harder on purpose….

Maybe none of this makes sense… maybe i’m just rambling on and on… but hopefully someone reads and goes… wow yeah that!

Frog

Anxieties….

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Let me say… Anxieties are one of those subjects that people will sit there and say “oh just get over it! You are totally faking it!” To which i say hush up unless you have actually experienced having an anxiety attack i don’t want you’re opinion.

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   This is a very touchy subject for myself, personally, as I had fears…i was and still am afraid of the dark, heights, and planes. But 4 years ago while i was driving i had a major muscle spasm…scared me bad as it made me feel like i was having a heart attack and like i was going to pass out and never wake up. Then just 4 months later i get in a wreck… you know one of those stupid ones where you think “going to beat that light!” and so does the other person and BAM! Unfortunately i had my two oldest in my car with me at the time with both of these things and now if i’m by myself or just me and my kids I will have major anxiety attacks while trying to drive. I used to be able to drive all over the place and take myself to things and be FREE!! Now i depend on my husband a lot for getting places..and happy pills so i don’t go over the imaginary ledge.

Classics are the BEST!
Classics are the BEST!

It’s amazing how driving went from my thing for feeling free and calming down and just sheer enjoyment to my prison, cage, curse, and terrifying experience. To make this even worse i started having eye issues…i go to the eye Dr. and he informs me that i have Glaucoma…WHAT?! I’m not even 30 yet? How can this be? I thought this was something for when you were in your 60s or so? Apparently it’s a hereditary thing and can show up whenever it likes OR show up super early due to trauma. Well my grandpa on my dad’s side has it…yay me! So to add to my anxieties as night falls i can’t see well to drive. The darkness and the fast motion makes it hard for my eyes to focus 100% of the time and sometimes i have to close my eyes or i’ll get a massive headache.

At this time my husband is traveling a lot for work and i start having these weird chest pains that take my breath away, sometimes they are so bad i can’t catch my breath and start to hyperventilate. Then a sensation of the room spinning and then slowly getting dark starts and then i’ll snap out of it heart racing and feeling like i just came out of a short nap/fog. I couldn’t even begin to guess what this was and the Dr.s just kept saying it’s in my head and started labeling me as a Hypochondriac and shoving me off to the side. I go to a new Dr. and they say the same thing and write that nasty word down again. I finally got up the curage and told my Chiropractor what i was experiencing and he was like “well duh! you’re having anxiety attacks!” What? That’s a real thing? Funny that normal Dr.s had no idea what was going on but my “CHIROPRACTOR” did!

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    So i finally found a Dr. this last year that was nice and kinda in my face about some of my health things.

1. He gave me happy pills…nothing major…actually the smallest dose you can be on. and that seemed to take the edge off.

2. He pointed out that yeah i need to loose weight but here is how you can do that, first one to actually give me a plan to follow, all the others just said “do it” and then sent me on my way. (btw i’m down like 40lbs since going to him and though it’s kinda stopped i know that’s on me as i have been cheating on this plan OOPS!)

3. he pointed out if i get some of my health things under control and work on them they may go away or at least get better.

Finally someone that takes their job to heart and helps and gives you the tools to succeed!

In the past year my anxieties have been getting better though, I’m starting to tell myself things like “you can do this, just like riding a big bike” , “doesn’t’ matter who is driving,bad things can and will happen while you or your husband drive so might as well get out there” …you know a little pep talk before i get in the van. Now that we are trying to move again it has made me wonder…will this make my anxieties better or worse? I’m i going to find excuses to stay in my home and not leave? Am i going to drive my husband crazy with all these requests to drive me places? Will i loose friends due to these nasty little worries and panics? (Actually i think i’ve lost quite a few so far…not sure if this is the reason or what but yeah)

I’m not on here to give awesome advice… I’m not on here to get tons of followers or anything like that. (if i do hey that’s cool!) I’m on here to have something to write down my thoughts, concerns, and just what is going on in MY life…and see if maybe someone needed to see they are not alone.

Anyways… that’s a little bit about me and those nasty anxieties….. you know… i hope someone reads this and says “hey that is so me! I’m not alone! yay!”

Frog

In The Beginning….

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Wow, it’s been 3 years since i tried doing a “blog”. What is a blog anyways? To me a blog is a live journal where anyone can read it and put their opinions on it. Which kinda appeals to me. I love to journal but ofttimes i forget or walk away thinking i don’t need to anymore. But really when you’re someone like me you need to journal daily, to put thoughts and words that swim around all day in your head on something so you don’t go crazy.

So… In the beginning, there was just me. Putting down my thoughts and seeing if it’s any good.

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Maybe what i’ll type out every day will touch someone that needs to know they are not a lone out there. Of course if you get on Facebook then you know you’re not alone…physically anyways. But don’t all these social media sites just leave you feeling drained and emotionally alone? Don’t we all crave those old fashioned friendships? I know I do! If i look at my phone call history the last person to actually call me and want to talk was…..*looks it up* my husband. Before that it was my son trying to get me to bring his lunch he forgot (again) to school. And even before that it was my mom. My call history is filled with companies wanting money or offering services….or close family calling and asking for something.  Every once in a while i will get an awesome call from a friend and they’ll want to do something and i’m just over the moon excited about that!

But here’s the problem… it’s not just my friends that hardly ever call, it’s me as well. “Life is so busy”, i say and keep on moving and going and stay in this tiny little world i have created for myself. Stay home, do some kind of house work, watch toddler and put him down for naps, stay home some more and wait for older kids to get out of school and come home. Then the fighting and refereeing begins and things are forgotten and in walks my husband into all this from a long day at work. By the time we get all things done and get the kids to bed we’re exhausted!  Do we sit down and talk to each other to recharge and get that “Oneness”? Nope! Very rarely do we get that talk time in, instead we plop down on our bed with our electrical devices and surf the endless internet and social media sites.

And here’s a kicker, i have soooo much to do around the house, but i look at everything and it just looks so daunting and just not accomplish-able that i’ll switch off the lights, go to my room, and again pull up to that electrical device and surf. I want to see what other people’s lives look like, it’s got to be better then mine……right? WRONG! So much drama everywhere. Typed out for the world to see. Then i realize am i any better? Nope! I’ll type out and complain about the teachers and school staff at my kids’ school, I’ll complain about how something isn’t fair, or i’ll just type nonsense from my day. Like right now we took in a kitten that shouldn’t have been away from it’s mom, so my posts are filled with it or my kids and they’re craziness. Today i posted about how hard it was to wake up this morning…but then a half hour later i post about how today is my husband and i’s Anniversary. Just silly things!

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      I would love to get back to old fashion relationships. But in this day and age it’s just not going to happen, media is just too in your face and everywhere. But maybe I could be more intentional about MY relationships and pick up that phone and call someone…….or maybe just send a text.