The Second Terror…



So Still working on Revelation. I’ve talked about things up the Chapter 9.  Ya know, the Seals, and now the Trumpets….because the “Terrors” are still part of that.  Since the further you go into this Book of the Bible it gets more and more intense….after the last Terror, I have decided to give a brief account of what i read and then put how it’s impacted my life. Or just how i can put it into practice.

So. The Second Terror,  when the Angel sounds his trumpet 4 other angels are put into play. They’ve been bound at the River Euphrates. I learned that this river stretches from the border of Turkey and moves diagonal down through Iraq and goes into the Persian Gulf. So huge. And these 4 Angels have been bound to this location. The word “bound” gives thought to “tied” “limited” “restricted”. In other words it sounds like these angels have not been allowed to leave this area until now.

These aren’t nice fluffy angels either… they were just waiting for the word to let loose and kill a third of the people on the earth. (seriously, not sure how many are still there after all the other things but apparently we’re bunnies and there’s still more of us) The angels had an army.  200 MILLION all mounted on beasts. Horses with the heads of lions, and tails that are snakes. They breathed Fire, smoke, and sulfur.  And you could tell who did what since the riders were dressed in a certain color; the ones with fire were dressed in red, the ones with smoke were dressed in dark blue, and the sulfur was dressed in yellow.

The snakes that were their tails were allowed to bite and injure people. So not only could you be done in by the plagues from their mouths, you could also be hurt from the snake tails. Nice.

What was surprising to me was that still, even with these riders and their ferocious beasts, those who did not die continued to sin! It lists the sins too.

They continued to worship demons and idols made of gold, silver, bronze, stone, and wood—idols that can neither see nor hear nor walk! 21 And they did not repent of their murders or their witchcraft or their sexual immorality or their thefts.” Rev. 9:20-21

I thought it interesting that the list states theft right up there with murder. I remember a sermon from before, that had gone over the 10 commandments, and how we can easily say “oh that isn’t so bad” about things we do. But God doesn’t see that. All sins are the same in His eyes. I think the difference might be consequences, like with kids when you discipline them. The punishment for disrespect if different then the punishment for physical violence from our kids. All of those are bad in our eyes…. so too all sins are bad in God’s eyes, no matter the magnitude.

It’s made me examine my actions a little closer. To say “I’m sorry” even when i don’t feel like it. And it’s made me seek help for my struggles.  Which i have started up again this last week. I’m excited as I feel more loved in this area then in normal church settings. I also have more things to sit down and pray about and find out what the next step is going to be. I can not let my Fears keep me from doing what God wants me to do.  I  can not cling to the known because that is easy and not as scary.

I’m rambling. So… many changes to come, and still have one more Terror to go over before one of the changes. 🙂

Thanks for reading my silly little rambles.





Just some verses I need to tell myself and read more often. I thought I’d share them with you as I continue to study my other study.



Psalm 28:7

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.

Psalm 19:8

The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes.

Habakkuk 3:18

yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.

(a prayer about God’s wrath and even then, being joyful)

Matthew 13:44

The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.

(giving everything to God, so we can have great joy)

1 Peter 1:8-9

Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

3 John 1:4

I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.

(i know this is Paul talking of new believers, but i pray one day i can say this of my children)

Acts 2:25-28

‘I saw the Lord always before me.
    Because he is at my right hand,
    I will not be shaken.
26 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
    my body also will rest in hope,
27 because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,
    you will not let your holy one see decay.
28 You have made known to me the paths of life;
    you will fill me with joy in your presence.’


I pray you are well… I pray that you find Joy in your life. Thanks for Reading!


The First Terror…



I’ve been struggling with getting alone time with my reading.  I hear my alarm go off in the morning and all i want to do is smash it with a heavy object.  I know it’s my depression trying to take root, whenever I’m depressed i just want to curl up in bed and never get up. It’s safe there, no one can hurt me but myself. And man i’m good at that! You know…hurting myself. not physically… but mentally. “how could i be so stupid?” “why did i say that?” “why did i react that way?” “i’m just so fat and ugly, why would my husband stay?” “my kids hate me, I’m such a mess up!”  I’m down right brutal to myself!!

Why is this important to the reading?  I’m giving you a glimpse to me, I’m not perfect. I make mistakes… I have things in my life that can cloud my judgment. So i want to make sure, don’t just read this and say, ahhh ok got it that’s what that means or cool now i don’t have to read it. No no…please read it too! dive into those verses and see how they talk to you! Because what these words say to me will be different then what they say to you.

Now… The first terror, is also the 5th Trumpet. I thought it interesting that it is called two things.  Chapter 9 starts off with the angel blowing the trumpet and then is says “and I saw a star that had fallen to earth from the sky, and he was given the key to the shaft of the bottomless pit.” (niv)  Whoa… wait…a star is a he? I had to read this verse several times, still it made no sense, so i went to a different translation. “and I saw a star fall from heaven unto the earth: and to him was given the key of the bottomless pit.” King James Version. Still the same! Ugh!


Then i remembered my DH told me about Blue Letter Bible that can help me get the true background on the word. So i looked up this verse on there and this is what i found. The word star the root they used was this “ἀστήρ” “astēr”….looking further it is a masculine noun.  oh, ok. Well then. so not an “Actual star”.  I looked up some commentaries and they go back and forth that it is an Angel that is doing as God asks, or it could be a Fallen Angel, or even THE Fallen Angel…Lucifer.  Once i knew it’s not a star that sprouted hands but a “person” the rest of the reading made sense. And he opened the bottomless pit; and there arose a smoke out of the pit, as the smoke of a great furnace; and the sun and the air were darkened by reason of the smoke of the pit.”(kjv)

So I’m thinking at this point He’s opening the gates of Hell, or maybe just opening the bottom of the Abyss in the ocean.  All we know is that it’s a furnace of some sort, so that means it’s hot, smoke is filling up everything thing around and you’d think that’s bad enough right? Nope! And out of the smoke locusts came down on the earth and were given power like that of scorpions of the earth. ”  Well that escalated quickly!

The rest of the verses tell of how the locusts were not to harm anything put the people still on earth that did not have the seal of God on their foreheads, That they would sting and bite and torture for FIVE MONTHS! (another time frame, interesting) It says that they will beg for death but death will flee from them! Their stings will feel like scorpion stings….but they will not die from it. I tried to imagine scorpion venom pain and not being able to get away from it for 5 months and I just couldn’t do it.

I started asking myself how is this important to me? Why is God wanting me to look and read Revelation? What is he trying to teach me?  This morning I had a break through.  I knew… it made me cry but i knew it was what i needed as a wake up call.  See… I’ve talked about suffering from depression, I’ve also talked about trying to commit suicide in my past.  I feel that God is showing me, things could be so much worse! He knew I was going to hit a low that had me clawing for light, He knew that I was going to entertain those thoughts once again: He had a plan…He was going to show me, life is messy, life is HARD!!! But it’s nothing compared to those that will still be on the Earth during the End.

So even though I cried out to Him to just take me once again, I have his answer right here… “No. I still have plans for you.”  and I have a promise for those plans…

Jeremiah 29:11

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I told my DH about my thoughts, I told God about my thoughts… They have both been working on me to show me that I am loved and wanted…and important.  I learned early on that those Suicide Hotlines are not all they are cracked up to be, if you get someone that cares and has been there…awesome. But must times they just tell you to admit yourself and that’s it. Not the best. I have learned that you need a safe person. Someone that will lean into you, hold you, and truly care. Because you can tell when someone truly cares or not, their body language tells a better story then anything else. And if you need, send me a message, I know, I’ve been there…I’m still there. Hang in there!!


God is our Father, He is going to love us, be firm with us, and so on. He wants what is best for us….but sometimes (specially for me) He needs to be super firm, and show love, but also tell us to “suck it up, cupcake”. For myself I know i have a TON to work on…. but the gentle whispering to my heart reminds me nothing i can do will take His love for me away….except my own actions… I can take MYSELF away from Him. I don’t want that.


Anyways, that is what i got from this this week. The rest of the verses tell about the locusts and how they look. I thought that was pretty interesting, I dusted off my pencils and started sketching it out, got a lot of improvements to make but for not having drawn in 2 years…not bad!


I’m still doing research for the other 2 terrors… Maybe I’ll learn something even more from that! Never take my word for it….always research! The Bible has so much it wants to teach us…dive right on in! Sending love to all you dear readers out there!!




The Four Horsemen..



I have been doing morning Bible Study for myself. I’m not a morning person! But I find that my whole day is kinda off if i don’t spend a good 20 minutes of quiet reflection first thing. So like before I’m still in the book of Revelations. It’s a pretty heady book to study first thing in the morning! This morning i could only read a small portion as it was pretty intense!!

So last time i talked about the 7 churches and that God’s appearance is mentioned. This time I went over the 7 Seals of the Scroll.

The only person worthy to break these Seals, was the Slain Lamb (Jesus).

Let me say this disclaimer: “I believe that Jesus was not just a carpenter, prophet, good person… I believe that he was/is the one and only Son of God…I believe He was blameless, and died for us.”

Ok now that we got that covered. The first part of the Seals is the Four Horsemen.

The White Horse

I learned that there are many different ideas on what this Rider means, he could be the Anti-Christ, could be an angel to bring victory to God, some say Pestilence (disease). But i don’t agree with that last one…since itng along with one of the other Horsemen.  I kinda am torn between the first two. I do know that this Rider is given a Crown. To me that means he is given authority, he doesn’t already have it. It says the Rider carries a Bow and wins many battles.  We’re left with the question “what kind of battles? Good or Bad?” All we know for sure is that this Rider is a Conqueror. My thoughts is that it’s for the Good, why would this one do something that another Horseman will do? Just my thought.

The Red Horse

Ok I think we can all agree that this one is war. The Rider carries a sword, and the horse is Fiery Red, I can picture it a coppery Chestnut horse with flames coming from it’s mane,tail, and hooves.  Again it says this Rider is “Given” authority. This time to TAKE peace. In the NIV translation is says that “to make people kill each other”. That’s a sobering thought. I remember that my thought was that in this time right now it would not take much for this to happen. Everyone seems to be on a hairpin trigger and easily set up. It does state that this would be happening EVERYWHERE. Not just in one or two locations.

The Black Horse

This one took me looking at two translations to figure out, since I use mainly NLT, I got a NIV as well to consult. The Rider holds a Scale, I picture one like at the hall of justice, so I’m thinking judging? Nope. If you read further is talks about barley and wheat being a full day of wages. Also not to waste oil and wine. Though it doesn’t say the name, we start to get a picture of Famine. Prices will sky rocket, the necessities of food will become more precious then money.

The Pale Horse

In NLT it says “saw a horse whose color was pale green“, maybe a ghostly green like you see in horror movies. But i thought that interesting. It’s not just a “pale” horse, but a pale GREEN horse. This is the only Rider that has a companion, and it’s not a good thing. It is also the only one that is named.  Death. And his chum the Grave, some translations says “Hades”. They were also given authority. This is where we start seeing numbers for deaths. One Fourth. That is a pretty high number. I looked it up, right now there are 7.8 BILLION people in the world. and there are people being born and dieing every day. But we’ll use that number for this. So 1/4th of the population would be…1.95 BILLION people. They would be killed by sword, famine, disease, and wild animals. That last one made me shake my head.

(My Baby done up with all 4 colors)Gypsyh


Are these all going to happen at once? Are they going to happen a little bit at a time over years, days? Minutes? We’re not given a glimpse into that answer. Remember no one… not even Jesus himself knows the hour it’s to all happen. Only God.

I do have to say that studying these made me look at the news in a different way. It also helped me to rein in my future thoughts, I need to be living in the here and now. Beacuse tomorrow is never promised.

For now this is as far as I’ve dug deep. Still got the 5th and 6th seals…and the 7th. Just gonna say, it doesn’t get better.

Hope these thoughts help someone, maybe it sparks an interest, maybe it makes you think a little bit more. Whichever, I’m glad i could share these thoughts with you.




My Testimony…

I know that my Testimony has kinda woven it’s way in here, but I’ve been encouraged to write it out, condense it a bit, Get a good flow and stuff. So… since many of you have been following me for quite awhile, thought it would be perfect to practice here.  So here it goes…


For the first 9 years everything was pretty normal. I mean, we lived with my grandparents, there were typical family drama, but nothing super crazy. Then one day it all changed in the third grade.  A boy who was offended by something my sister did, came to me at recess one day and out of no where told me that he wanted to kill my sister.  I was 9, I didn’t know how to process this, and my friend that was with me shoved me away from him and dragged me to a teacher as soon as possible.

There was a lot of stuff that happened after that, it got so bad that the police got involved.  The way the adults handled it left scars of mistrust of authority figures, of not feeling safe, and feeling so alone as no one talked with me about how to process the threats i received.  I was broken. Shortly after my sister got baptized and thinking this is what i needed, gave myself to Christ and got baptized in the year 1994.

I had thought this would fix everything, nope! We moved to a new town and just 2 almost 3 years later my mother was in a horrible car accident. She was in the ICU for a week I think, that time was super fuzzy.  Seeing her laying there was…scary, traumatic, and devastating. It happened on a Black Friday on her way to work, she didn’t come home till almost Valentines day.  During all of this was some emotional roller coasters physically and mentally for myself as well.  I stopped going to Church, I was angry, and hurt.

As my mom healed at home, I thought things would get better, just a year and a half later, a few days after my 15th birthday my grandmother passed away. This hit me so hard as she was my best friend. She taught me so much. I know she had her faults, but to me she was that one person in my family i could go to. I lost her…. no one helped me to process this either, just shove it down and move on. No one knew that i had had an argument with her just the week before about the type of people i was hanging around and that when she passed away i thought it was MY fault she had died.

I started acting out at this point, I went and stayed days on end with the kids that called themselves “Christians” while the slept around, abused each other, and shared drugs. I started drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes to fit in. Then one night some of the boys got into my journal and read that i was open to the physical, one of the boys who was way older took this to mean “i say yes no matter if i even say no”.  What hurt the most is that just a couple hours later, he was snuggled up with a different girl right in front of me.  To add insult to everything he and his ex wrote me a letter stating why he did it, that it was laughable that i thought he would even think about being with me for real, and that i would probably never have a real relationship do to me being so “fat” and worthless, so i should be thankful for this one time.

My parents did not know how to handle this, mom gave me books. It started my addiction to Romance/sex novels.  Right after this we got a computer and the internet, which opened the doors to AOL chatrooms, which led to phone sex, which led to more destructive behavior.  Then i started to meet the guys from online.  One i met started a very sick and twisted relationship on both our accounts. During this is when I cried out to God and He answered with a “NO” to ending my life. My parents shipped me off to college and that just opened the door for me to run off whenever to meet guys.  Through all of this I still called myself a Christian, if I was with religious men I’d go to church with them and do all I was supposed to do. But I did not trust God anymore, The guy I met in college was the furthest thing from the Faith as possible, thinking that was safer. It had to be better since those who claimed to be Christians were no better then me.

I quit college, and shortly after that and leaving the guy i had been with I found out I was pregnant and my twist relationship guy came back into my life. When I had my son at first i pretty much let my parents raise him, but slowly I started seeing things i didn’t like. I met a guy at my work, though i was still in toxic relationships and doing dangerous behavior…something about this guy drew me to him like a magnet.  I actually started going back to Church on my own, taking my mom and son with me. I started to leave relationships, and the chatrooms i enjoyed, and no longer smoking or drinking.

Both the gentleman and myself still were very broken  though, at one point it felt like i was in yet another toxic relationship but with him this time…i couldn’t handle it again, not again. I was so sick of being used and using others….I tried to end my life. It was not the first time…but the other were just mainly thoughts and nothing truly attempted…this time was different.  I took all of my sister’s 800mg ibuprofen i had on me (8 total). I thought my son was better off without me. Everyone would be better off without me. But God had other plans yet again for me. There was consequences though…. I won’t know if I killed a baby or not till the day I’m in Heaven. It tore me up, to wake up and know that God spared me, but I may have sacrificed a child in all of this.

There was a lot of ups and downs from there. But that gentleman and I are now married today. We moved across the country from our families, and though it was hard, it was the best thing for us.  We went to Church, we relied on each other, but we were still very broken. We both had addictions. They slowly tore at us both, along with expectations that were unattainable, and unmet by each other.  We both stepped out of our marriage. I did so in my mind, reading sex novels and thinking about what it would be like with someone else.

Finally, one night after just feeling totally defeated by this continued cycle of craziness, I talked with a Pastor online for our current Church we attended. He didn’t turn away, He leaned in and said…”I’m going to help you.” Those words were a life line!  Through this we started to work on our brokenness, after 2 years of counseling, recovery groups, we were better but we knew something still needed to be done.  I started to go to counseling on my own. We worked on my anxiety which had gotten totally out of control through all this.  I started studying the word more, I paid attention to services more, and started to clean up my actions.  I started my volunteering adventure, trying different types through the church or outside of it.  The one that helped the most was with the Horse Rescue. Everything seemed to fall into place for it, and through one on one counseling I was able to work on my addictions and so much more.

In this past year I have learned to lean into God in a new and amazing way! I enjoy going to Church, we have a new Sunday School class that is amazing and has truly helped me to step it up, I’m more confident then i was, and I am working hard and starting to enjoy waking before everyone else to spend a half hour reading, studying, and sometimes talking with God about what He is teaching me.  I still struggle… I still slip up… I’m still learning. But standing here and looking back…, I see how far God has pulled me out of that muck i put myself in and I’m truly amazed.

Look at what He has done for me! I was what the Bible would call a Harlot, an Adultress, I tried to take my own life, I justified my addictions as nothing serious….i was so broken.

So if you feel like “God can’t save me, I’ve done awful things!”…. you’re wrong. We are horrible sinners….only God is amazing at Forgiving!

Let me know what you think…. too wordy? not enough detail? Maybe it helped you…. feel free to leave a comment and say hi too!







So recently I started a study on my own of Revelations.  This book is hard! I think because no one but God is to know the exact hours for the Second Coming. But I’m also learning so much!!

Did you know that all the cities for the “Seven Churches” had major earthquakes that demolished them? The only one with intact pillar/towers and with the now a days city thriving right with the ruins is the city of Philadelphia, Turkey.  All of the Churches are on the west coast of the country of Turkey. The six other cities have now a day towns but they are built up away from the ruins and some of their names have even changed.

Here’s a little of what i learned about each Church:

Ephesus- No longer had Agape Love towards God, If did not repent God would remove their Lamp stand (very serious!)

Smyrna- Had False Jews, Would suffer, but Rich in Christ!

Pergamum- Home of Satan’s Throne, Followers were Faithful, But were Tolerating pagan teachings.

Thyatira- Followers were constantly improving but they were allowing a false prophet to sway people to sin

Sardis- Reputation for being alive (maybe partying), but they are dead to following Christ, God said they had deeds unfinished

Philadelphia- The one God Loved (Rev. 3:9), has the synagogue of Satan, they will have an open door that none can close

Laodicea- Rev 3:15 (we need to decide!) , Lukewarm, wishy washy, They valued possessions over God

Just the first 3 chapters of this book and all the historical things i dug up is WOW! But what truly was cool in finding was when i started to read Chapter 4, in my Bible it is labeled “Worship In Heaven”, Did you know it describes the appearance of God in there? Not Jesus…but God!

Right at the beginning, Jesus is telling John to come through the door and then:

At once I was in the Spirit, and there before me was a throne in heaven with someone sitting on it. And the one who sat there had the appearance of jasper and ruby. A rainbow that shone like an emerald encircled the throne.

Revelation 4:2-3

Ok…this is not Jesus they are talking about, I know this because in the very next chapter it says:

 Then I saw a Lamb, looking as if it had been slain, standing at the center of the throne, encircled by the four living creatures and the elders. The Lamb had seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven spirits[a] of God sent out into all the earth. He went and took the scroll from the right hand of him who sat on the throne.

Revelation 5: 6-7

So right there…. The Lamb is Jesus, and the one who sat on the throne is God the Father…. Isn’t that cool???!!!! God’s appearance is like that of Jasper..a Orangish Red Stone with Dark Brown veins running through it. red-jasper


And Ruby…not to be confused with garnet! Ruby has a brighter look with pink highlights…garnet is a darker, deeper red with black or brown lowlights.


And a Rainbow (all the colors) that shone like an emerald!


look how vibrant that is! It’s not even cut yet!

It sounds so amazing! I still hold to he looks like us in shape… we are made in his image after all….

After that there is an explanation on the 24 elders, 7 lamp stands, and 4 creatures called Seraphim…pretty cool descriptions of them. My one thought is how do they do it up there in Heaven and not have a headache from all the Glorious singing? Would be so nice to have here, specially with my kids! 🙂

You know…this is just what I have read, how I think it means. But feel free to look it up and give your thoughts on it!!

(i googled jasper,ruby,emerald….these photos belong to whoever…not to be used for anything else)


Thanks for Reading!





I’m a Pushover….



I love giving gifts!!! It seriously makes me happy when I can give to others. Christmas time always feeds into that.

This year though, we really had no funds to do “Christmas gifts” for the kids, I felt awful! But then we got some “Santa” boxes in the mail, and then grandparents sent a few things, and lastly we got a Christmas Bonus and I was so happy! I went out and bought the kids presents and my DH got his, I was still thinking on mine when 2 bills come out when they weren’t supposed to. GRR!!! But i said ok, I’ll keep thinking on it and then we’ll budget for it later.

Then the kids started in on their attitudes, Throwing fits, telling us that they don’t have to…. I was so sad, this was NOT how we raised our kids.  Then three nights before Christmas I had ENOUGH! I said….”that’s it! All of mom and dad’s gifts we got you are going back!!!” Not the ones family sent as that would’ve been rude…but man it was tempting!! I did it right then and there too, unwrapped them and took them to the store before it closed. That and before I chickened out.

See even though I’ve taught my kids respect for others, even though I’ve tried to steer them the right way; they still have a will of their own. But mostly i contradicted myself by always saying “YES” to them when we’re at stores, or going out to eat, or just going out. “I” did this. I thought by giving in to my impulse of loving to give gifts would help my kids know i loved them. Technically it might, but the wrong way, because now they know you’re answer is yes. Now they know that if they push enough, you’ll given in.  Oh I so hated learning that about myself!!!

Then the other day I read this verse:

“There is still one thing you haven’t done,” he told him. “Go and sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”  At this the man’s face fell, and he went away sad, for he had many possessions.  Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the Kingdom of God!” This amazed them. But Jesus said again, “Dear children, it is very hard to enter the Kingdom of God. In fact, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!” Mark 10:21-25

   I read this and I knew i had to do better with my kids. I can no longer be a pushover!!! I don’t want them to have this struggle, like this young man in the Bible, when they grow up and move out. That terrifies me!  So we are working on packing things up to give away. We are working on “you do chores without a temper tantrum and you’ll get a “commission” for that work.”   I’m hoping it’s not too late to fix what I’ve done, but we shall see.

Being a parents is fun and crazy! Haha! I know i can’t be perfect, only one parents is truly perfect… and I hope that all of my children learn to know Him and call Him their Father, and Leader in their lives.



Crying Out to the Lord…



Psalm 102:1-3

 Hear my prayer, Lord;

    let my cry for help come to you.
Do not hide your face from me
    when I am in distress.
Turn your ear to me;
    when I call, answer me quickly.

 For my days vanish like smoke;
    my bones burn like glowing embers.”


I encourage you sometime to sit down and read all of Psalm 102, the note in my Bible says:

A prayer of an afflicted person who has grown weak and pours out a lament before the Lord.

How often is the pain so intense you know nothing else but to scream…long and loud until you’re hoarse, until you are completely spent?

I was there once. I don’t talk of it often for fear of someone calling me crazy, but left face it ….we’re ALL crazy at this point.

When I was a teen, I knew that being sad all the time was not normal, I knew something was off with me, but i didn’t know what it was or how to deal with it; So I self soothed with bad influences, alcohol, smoking, garbage reading.  I acted out in many ways…some very dangerous…some very painful. One Night I just could not take it ANYMORE!!!  I screamed in my mind, “Lord!! Just KILL ME ALREADY!! DO IT!! YOU HATE ME I KNOW IT!! I CAN’T DO THIS! JUST END ME AND STOP IT ALL!!!”

blue man

    I kid you not, IMMEDIATELY I heard in my head and heart a booming thunderous voice telling me “Noooo!” It was firm, steadfast, comforting, and absolutely terrifying all at once. I felt like someone had just put their arms around me and held me. I of course acted like anyone else would, i got up and looked around and started freaking out a bit….. you would too….right?

I knew this was the Lord telling me comforting me in my despair, but I was scared to share as i was told over and over again that hearing voices is bad and I’d be taken away. So i pushed it down and only took it out when either i felt safe or for when i felt low.

I still feel scared at sharing, but then i remember this verse:

let my cry for help come to you.
Do not hide your face from me
    when I am in distress.
Turn your ear to me;
    when I call, answer me quickly.

He’s going to answer us, He’s going to do it quickly, IMMEDIATELY, when we are in grief and despair. Sometimes it might be in the roaring voice of authority, or it might be in a whisper of our hearts, soft and gentle.


     Winter time is extra hard on me, though I’m now on meds that help, it can still be overwhelming and crushing depression. I still get told a lot to “pray”, to “get over it”, to “not be so negative”, or to “get a thicker skin”.  Believe me I’ve done all those things, and though it’s gotten better it’s still a battle for me. Depression is like getting over drugs, you don’t say you’re cured, you say “i’ve been “X” amount of time sober.”  Because you know that at anytime you could slip, and have to start over again.

So I take one step at a time, I take one month at a time…. I smile and hug my friends even when i just want to cry, I force myself out of bed every morning now before everyone else and my prayer is the same, “Lord, help me love others, help me to smile, help me to cling to you through out this day”. Just starting my day with just reading His word first thing in the morning has started to help me put a good foot forward.


I hope this reaches out to someone else in need of hearing this, that they are not alone. This is me hugging you dear friend!!! You’re NOT alone, I’m here to show you that, God is here waiting for you, He wants to hold you and show you what true happiness and friendship looks like.

Praying for all of you that look at this page and may you have a BLESSED Merry Christmas!!!




I’m in Love…


    You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. ~~ John 15:16


I saw this verse posted on Facebook a couple days back and i have to say… I’m in Love.

I’ve been so busy with that new job and the kids and just life, that i was loosing sight of a lot of things.  I finally had a moment where i had to choose, Family or Work. I think i chose the right one. 😉 Family. I quit my job, and when my boss tried to guilt me into staying i told her i didn’t care and was leaving. But between you and me, I DID care. I felt bad for leaving my co-workers and a job that i had truly loved, but felt under new management it was sucking the life outta me!


        As i was leaving that day a conversation i had had with a coworker came up in my mind of having a paper that said we had the smarts. Namely…a college degree.  I started looking into online college classes and what might fit for me, with the support of my husband.  Due to past poor choices my college of my choosing was not an option, but I’ve been accepted into an awesome Community College and can’t wait to start classes in January for the Spring Semester.

Now you’re probably looking at this and going…what does this have to do with that verse? Let me tell you.  God CHOOSE me! He wants me to be a light unto Him…. and by finally being still and listening to Him…I feel I am FINALLY on the path that He has for me! Now that i feel like I’m finally heading in the right direction and listening to Him…i can claim this promise for me! “and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you.”  Ya’ll…what a sweet and awesome promise to carry in our hearts! If we are following God, TRULY following Him and His plan for us… whatever we ask. WOW!

Now don’t think this will happen right that minute, God’s not a genie…  We have to remember that when we ask we still have to wait on the Lord for His timing. It can happen fast…or it can happen slowly of a period of time. This is so hard for me as I’m just like everyone else….i want it NOW! But look what God has given me over the years:

A Family, A Home, Two of my dreams (living in Texas, and a horse), A Second Chance at so many things (school, love, and church family)

I am so Blessed!


I hope you enjoyed a quick read from me,





What do you do when you realize the people around you are taking advantage of you? Or when others are around they compliment  you, but as soon as they leave they give you backhanded insults?  What should we do when that old “doormat” feeling comes up at home? with family? at work?

As a Christian, I know that I am to love ALL. No questions. No if ands or buts. It was not a suggestion in the Bible… it was a COMMAND!   A lot of people get confused about this. That because you love someone you have to “LIKE” them too.  Wrong! Ok think of it this way… Do you have a sibling, parent, uncle….whatever that you love them but at times you just can NOT stand them? Yeah? Ok it’s like that. I love my neighbor…but i don’t particularly like them…specially when they stare at me and whistle at me in a demeaning kinda way. I still love that person. If he were to come over asking for help you bet i’d be helping him!!

The thing is…it’s been getting harder and harder to Love no matter what. The Love and Like are meshing up and becoming a ball of frustration and strong dislike. It’s easy to get that way anymore. Someone gets offended, you mess up, or forgiveness is thrown away.

While thinking on all that has happened this past week, going over the conversations, looking at what my actions where and those of others….I realize that there is an underlying FEAR.

That’s right… I’m talking about it again. Because seriously FEAR is SUCH a big part of our human nature!

We can all let that evil word hook into us, wind us all up and tangle us so deep in it that those little words that those fears whisper to us start to sound true. Legit. Concrete. REAL.

We’ll stand there and we’ll shout or sputter “but she..” “but he..” and sometimes that can be true…but most of the time it’s our Fear of..rejection, not being right, not being in control, not being loved…and so on.  So we’ll take those on. We’ll become control freaks. We’ll become “doormats” so we’ll be loved.


You might be thinking… where is she going with all of this? What does this FEAR…have to do with LOVE? So I’ll tell you.

You can not LOVE properly…if you have FEAR totally.


I’ll give you an example.

X has a fear of rejection, so when Y has someone come over and they seem to not like X that fear keeps X from reaching out. X can not Love, or be all they are meant to be, because fear is keeping X prisoner.

All of this to say… it’s hard! It’s hard to keep a smile on your face and love those around you when fear is running amok. love

Thanks for reading!!