weariness….

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     Today I am Weary! At first i thought it was my depression sinking into me again. But as i sit here and exam it closer… i realized it was more weariness then anything else. If you have ever dealt with depression you know how hard it can be to “feel” any emotion but sadness and despair…but here i am and able to think and process and know that that’s not what i’m feeling right now. NOPE! Well there might be a little of that lurking in the background but i’m working on pushing that out of my way until i can work through it.

        I just feel overwhelmed, underwhelmed, stressed, bored, excited, and afraid all at once and i guess that has led to this deep down bone numbing weariness. So many things going on around here, it being summer and the kids are out of school, plus looking for a good part time job, then having to look for a new Life Group (sunday school class) four ourselves and putting ourselves out there, trying to work on also my jewelry business (it’s not going so well really, the only time i have customers is at events…no orders means no business) , also family stuff, and lastly adjusting to a new place and the budget for the new place.

     All of this has made me just a little uncertain and lets face it a little crazy about everything. Then someone posted a verse today…and i was like “that is soooo me!!!”

28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”” —-Matthew 11:28-30

I always forget this verse…. it’s the most helpful verse but it’s the one i forget the most. I so need to go down on my knees and hand it all over to Him as i so can’t do this…. the more i think about it the more i become frustrated and angry. That of course won’t help at all… except to make it worse! So i loved having this reminder today to just take a deep breath and know the God’s got this!!!

Just a few thoughts for today.

Frog

No More….?

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So I used to be one of those cool Christians…. I didn’t shove the Bible down your throat, I didn’t point out others flaws i just really thought those flaws were none of my business, and i helped people…. oh man did i help people! I helped them to the point i let them destroy my teen years and some of my early adult years.

As the years have passed a strange thing has happened, I stopped being compassionate, i became more and more irritable around people.  When someone asked me to help them i started to look at them as a plague and not a person. I started to have a “NO MORE” attitude around everyone.

Whats funny is that i was watching Dr. Who with my kid (yes i watch it i still don’t agree with many episodes but i’ll watch some) and we came to the episode labeled “The Day of the Doctor”. The Doctor has a choice… kill everyone or let the whole thing blow up…not very good choices in my book. But he came to these choices as he said NO MORE to see everything falling apart around him. Like him i can put a finger on the day i stopped being compassionate to everyone. October 15th 2012.  I stopped loving people… i stopped loving myself….. and i didn’t want to deal with the reasons behind it “NO MORE”.

Some days… like today… I miss the old me. I do. I miss caring for people, I miss getting together with people, and most of all I miss feeling good about helping people and getting nothing in return. Now this woman i am is bitter, hates a good handful of her neighbors (specially that one that honks their horn at all times day or night), see people as “yeah you say just to call you for help but when that call comes it aint happening”, or seeing them as “i want to be your friend but i’m going to go do group gatherings with tons of other ladies and not even think about asking you if you want to join in”….I’m sorry that one really gets me…..

You know that’s the other thing i hate about myself now…it used to not bug me what others did… but now the almost constant Facebook montage of photos showing me that i do’t fit into any group of friends in any way just finally hit that button… and now i’m bitter… i hate people…. I seriously want nothing to do with them…. I don’t want to help people anymore since i know no one will really help when i need it.

Days like today all i want to do is complain (hence this lovely post) and cry “BooHoo to me and so on and so forth and etc.” I’ve become a horrible Christian… i say i’m working on myself but really I’m not sure if it’s working if the more i do these support and recovery groups make me hate people and myself more? Sure i don’t explode anymore really at my kids… but i think i’m imploding on myself more and that’s messing up my thought process.

Anyways a long post about nothing more then me complaining about me and the fact that i’m a bitter old woman that hates people. HAHHAHA!

Anyone else feel that way some days?

Frog

Defeated and Excited…

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   So this month has been hard. We are still trying to make our house list worthy. And that is frustrating as i know once the painting and bathroom are done that the Realtor could very much sell our home. But i have a feeling someone will not agree and say “oh but we need to do more and it’s not perfect”….no it won’t be perfect, it never was perfect and never will be perfect… we need to move on.

   On top of that bill company did a sneaky under handed move and i wish i could yell at them but all it would do is….welll nothing. It would do no good, they are deaf to complaint and they are a huge company so doing anything else would be a waste.

   It really wouldn’t have matter but i was given an opportunity to start another branch of a cousin’s business where i’m at and it would hopefully mean a little income here and there, and that’s why i’m so excited! I’ve never had my own business and didn’t have a whole lot of know how to go about it but all of a sudden here i am and everything seems to be falling into place, but the mess up with the bill messed up the buying of start up stuff for my business. I wanted to cry. Like seriously i hate crying but i do it at a drop of the hat… i think that’s why i hate it so much. That and i think it’s a sign of weakness. So it was just a bummer and all it was a hiccup in the end i was able to buy some stuff, but it felt a little hollow after all that.

  Then i look at our budget and realize i can get a few things for the kids for the start of school but than that’s it… i won’t be able to supply extras or anything else like a normally do at the beginning of the school year and i just feel like a failure… i feel like i failed the kids and that they will be pointed at and made fun of because of me and that the Teachrs will be mad at me as well.

   I just feel like this huge failure all around that i really don’t have anything for me to do but the kids and housework… I lot of my friends have jobs of some kind even if it’s just an at home job. I guess i felt lacking. I so hope this business venture pans out and i’m super excited to start it. So that’s why i have all these warring feeling going on. So excited to get going and sell some stuff…but on the other hand i’m so bummed about the state of things NOW!

It’s hard having all these things in my head and not be able to feel comfortable talking with someone about it all… but i feel totally ok to post it here for all of you to read LOL!

Anyways a glimpse of what is up lately here. Can anyone else relate to this?

Frog

Movie: Mom’s Night Out….

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   The other night i sat down and watched Mom’s Night Out. LOVE this movie! I can sit down and laugh and cry with this movie WITH my kids! They of course don’t understand the humor behind it…but i do.

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   My two favorite parts are when Ally is talking with Bones in the Police Station and the ending scene with Ally and her husband at the bowling alley. Both of them touch my heart in special ways.

   For the scene with Bones, Ally is seating there and telling him how she’s messed everything up and how she is the worst mom and that her kids could’ve had better then her. Bones goes on this long and deep story about his mom and God. The best line is “Ally you just need to be the best YOU you can be and let God do the rest”. OH! Profound! How often as Moms do we sit and rip ourselves up into tiny little pieces? How often do we sit there and compare ourselves to that mom that “looks” like she has it all together? (Because let’s face it no women with kids has it all figured out…no way!) How often do we sit there and judge another mom on how she did something wrong? On and on the list goes. We compare, judge, and badmouth ourselves and others so much it’s a wonder we have time for anything else..especially raising our kids.

   Here’s an example: A Christian radio station that i listen to posted on their Facebook page today a funny video of two toddlers being caught in the act of spreading dry baking flour all over the house and the mom is videoing her reaction and the mess and she’s not flying off the deep end and screaming at them. The comments that i read made me sad. Things like “where was she?” “how irresponsible of this mother!” “I’d never let my kids do that!” “She should’ve been watching her kids better!” Oh it broke my heart! People….. it’s FLOUR! It will clean up…. it’s NOT toxic! A special memory of something that yes the kids shouldn’t have done and the mom making into something funny was instantly turned into this debate about how SHE messed up and was a horrible person.

It all goes back to that line… be the best YOU you can be. no one else. YOU! and only YOU! don’t try to change a person… it’s not going to work….give advice if it’s being asked for…but otherwise we all need to stop and work on ourselves and make us the best we can be before we decide to crucify someone about THEIR choices. (this goes for family things as well!)

The second scene…where Ally’s husband Sean is trying to tell her how he sees what being a mom is… she’s going on about it’s hard, difficult, crazy…. and so on. But finally she let’s him finish and he says “Being a mom is IMPORTANT”. Oh wow…  Again we are so quick to sit here and complain about how hard and difficult being a mom is… but really it’s the most important thing in the world.  They throw in the saying “the person that rocks the cradle rules the world”. It’s true. Without moms we wouldn’t be here. These tiny people depend on us… they love us no matter what! (yes even teenagers or preteens that scream they hate you…they love you as well!) They look to us on how to behave, how to dress, how to cook, how to live life! Even when we’re not looking they are and they are learning from us on how to be a human being. our role in their lives are sooooo important! Now don’t get me wrong… moms and dads are not perfect some of them give up… trust me i know! Don’t let that shape you…let it TEACH YOU!

   Oh how i love this movie! The teachings you can pick up from it… the great laughs you can let go and know that someone else has been down that road! I love the fact that it’s a good wholesome movie with nothing nasty in it and seems to be a #1 on a lot of peoples lists! Wish movie companies would get the hint and make more movies like this one!

Anyways… just wanted to share this fun little thing… was a great break from moving craziness!

Frog

Contractors…

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   So i got the computer for a while…With this moving thing the thing that frustrates me the most is that we are thisclose to listing our house….soooo close! But we need a contractor to help us finish two things so we can actually list. (mortgage lenders now have very strict rules and if wires are loose or a hole in the wall you can’t sell. well crud!)

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I contacted 25….that’s right TWENTY FIVE COMPANIES!!! for quotes and seeing if they could get some of the work done for us. HA! many just ignored me, more said they were booked till the end of July, and one guy keeps telling me he can do it for a great price but won’t nail down a date…and he’s one of the companies that my realtor recommended to me!

We had thought we found someone willing to work with us…split payment and all but the guys came and knew nothing of painting, and didn’t bring any tools to do the project properly! I stopped them before starting to work and told them i was cancelling the job and to leave. Then began the conversation with the guy that was in charge and boy did he change from nice to mean in 3 secs!

You know i’m a pretty laid back person normally… i’m kind till things don’t add up and lately this is just annoying being told nope, sorry, forget it, sure i’ll do it but let me get back to you on that. Really? Really? I mean the tile that needs done will take a bit as once you put it on it has to set 24 hrs and then come back and finish it… but the painting is just like an hour at most and people wont do it… you would think they would be good with doing a quick fast pay job type thing. Guess not!

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Normally i would be fine we’ll do it ourselves! but we have three kids and every time we start something they pull us away every 5 minutes… which with the tile you can’t do you gotta do it carefully and quick too so the stuff doesn’t dry before you put it up. So it would be better all around if we could find a person that could do it in one go and we manage the kids in the mean time. But it’s not happening and the kids go back to school in two months which means they probably will have to go back to this horrid school for a bit and move mid year. And that bites… no one wants to do that!

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So for now our house is in chaos and moving is at a stand still with most stuff packed up and furniture started to move out but not really….which is making me want to pull my hair out as i can’t handle the way it’s set up and my brain is spazzing with it needing to be organized.

Anyways… anyone else feel this pain? or been through this? makes me want to go make cupcakes….. mmmm cupcakes. LOL!!

Frog

Moving….

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   Moving…I love moving! No really i do! It’s like an adventure that isn’t overly dangerous. Moving can give you a new start and kinda clean out cobwebs that has formed from staying in a comfort zone. Oh sure it’s stressful and nerve-wracking. But I love packing up things, donating others, clearing off the walls, and getting ready to move on.

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   I know it’s weird. My kids this last week have told me they hate it. HA! The only reason they hate it is because i packed up almost all their toys as they could not keep their rooms clean and refused to do chores when asked. But they are warming up to hopefully getting a place with a bigger backyard as ours is sadly lacking space for their activities they like to do.

   My husband did a lot of moving when he was younger so he’s not so thrilled about it as well. When i was little i hated staying in the one spot, I would get out and ride my bike for miles just so i could get away and have a change of scenery as we only moved once when i was little. After i graduated from High School we moved several times in just a couple of years (i think it was about 4 times), and i was amazed at how much i loved it!

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   We then moved across the country and then moved once more and now been living here for just 7 years….I have been slowly getting more and more antsy at staying in one location. I know that once i’m where the Lord wants me i’ll have a sense of Peace about where we need to be. But for now he has given me the heart that is ready to move on without being too heartbroken. Don’t get me wrong I’ll miss my friends being near me, but will try and stay somewhat connected as much as possible.

  I love being out in the country but here there is the fear of poisonous snakes which is a higher nuisance out there. I’ve been in the city too and i don’t mind it for a little while anyways, but here in this area the houses are really close together and that bothers me a lot! I want some space from my neighbors…love them…but don’t want to look out my window and be able to see what they are doing!

   So we have been going back and forth with where we want to move to…we’re feeling a little lost and not sure about that anymore as the housing market is dwindling fast! It’s a Seller’s market as there is just not a lot of houses going up for sale. Many want the brand new building and that is just insane now in pricing. I love old homes more… so much character… the older they are the more they are built to last. These new ones are slapped together now with so little thought that as soon as you move in things are falling apart. Which is sad… what happened to old time craftsmanship? Where you took pride in what you made and made it right the first time?

   Anyways… i can’t wait to see what God has in mind for us…. it’s going to be fun to see where we end up and if it’s in town or in the country.

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Just a little of what’s been on my mind lately….

Frog

Marriage…

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   Marriage is hard! Why didn’t anyone tell me this?! hmmm maybe they did and i thought ” of course it’s hard for you but it won’t be for me!” Yeah i was a naive little thing!

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  My husband and i have been officially married now for 8 years! EIGHT YEARS! Good grief where has the time gone? We didn’t get a “Honeymoon” period at all… i was a single mom and at the time “J” was only 2 and a half years old… we had to jump right into the game. We did! We moved from Indiana to Texas and i was over the moon happy! I didn’t have friends there and there were so many bad memories that i was just excited to be rid of the place. I knew i would miss my family but didn’t realize how much! That first year of marriage was ok. We welcomed our second child, we moved, we found a babysitter in our area, you know that kinda stuff. The second year was the pits! My husband’s work needed him to travel and what was supposed to be a 2 month thing turned into a SIX MONTH thing… So for six months my husband was somewhere else….he came home for a few days once a month during that time. I learned to take care of the kids and finances the best i could… i did chores and just about  everything. I felt totally alone…like i was a single parent again…but i wasn’t. I was in this limbo of sorts trying to figure things out.

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   Finally he came home for good and we got out of our rental and moved to where we are now… i thought hey everything is going to be awesome now! HA! oh man was i in for another kicker! Things fell downward fast after this. We resented each other for different things… he wanted susie homemaker…i wanted someone to be by my side and help me. He wanted to have another kid right away… i wanted to wait and get things figured out before that. The resentment built, anger simmered and then boiled. Words were yelled, doors slammed, and night where i slept on the couch because i didn’t want to be near this person. It got to a point where my health just started going down the tubes too… it was horrible. Then the lightning stuck… it was awful! I couldn’t breathe…. i wanted to throw up but couldn’t… my heart was ripped out of my chest…and then i said things i regret to this day but i wanted him to hurt! I wanted him to have his heart and mind to hurt as badly as mine did at that point and time. I took my ring off and told him “i’m done”. I was walking away i had my foot out the door but he pleaded for us to try again. I said i would think about it.

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   A week later while he was on his what would be his last trip for quite some time, i was just broken down and didn’t know what to do. They had just started showing our Church service online and i hopped on there to watch hoping for some answers or peace of some kind. The guy in charge of it said “if you have anything you need special prayer for or need advice please feel free to message myself or one of the other hosts”. I did it…i sent a message saying what was going on and i just didn’t know what to do from there. He immediately messaged back and it lead to my husband and i sitting in his office, once he got back, listening to him and him to us… then he offered to help us with some counseling! Our church has a Counseling Center in it… and he hooked us up with them and we started attending. It wasn’t fun or pretty, She asked us hard questions and made us talk civilly to one another. During all this i got a kick in the stomach news that i needed to have a hysterectomy but we wanted one more kid… so we tried and tada!  Of course when you’re pregnant and trying to work through emotional things it’s bad. but it worked out fine, it took a long time, but we are finally on a good road.

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   Now i share all this not to humiliate my husband or myself but to say “look this is how bad it was… this is where we came from..but this is not where we are at anymore.”  I think Hollywood has made it seem ok to divorce your spouse as soon as you have a little hiccup in your marriage or if you just “don’t feel in love” it’s ok to leave that union. It’s not ok… i mean that’s why the vows say what they say. “Not to be taken lightly” “Speak now or forever hold your peace” “let no man break apart” I mean these vows are serious!

   I do say there are things that warrant a divorce and i’m not here to point a finger and say “shame on you”, nope, not what i’m doing. I’m hoping that someone out there that is thinking about getting married see this and goes “man well am i really ready for this?” or maybe someone out there is going through a really hard time and maybe they need to hear this too. So that’s why i write this out tonight.

Now here is what i have learned. Marriage is work. You can’t just keep living the life you have been doing… now it’s time for you to think of the other person more then yourself. Putting them as number one in this relationship (if you are a follower of Christ, He should always be number one and then your spouse, just saying) and trying to learn that person. What makes them happy, sad, mad? Read the 5 Love Languages Book that is out there…umm another one is Love and Respect… and Fall in Love Stay in Love. All three of these books helped our marriage when it was falling apart… but maybe they can help someone out there before that point.

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   Do not under any circumstance go into marriage thinking “oh that’s bad but i’m sure over time i can change that person”. NO! I’m sorry but all you will do is hurt yourself, that person, and the relationship will probably crumble. In a marriage you can only work and change YOU! that’s it… no one else. That whole free will thing… yeah that is totally there.

  Get into a support group of some kind. I think having a healthy support group of people is a good key for marriage too. If you go to Church look for a sunday school class, we call it life group, or if you don’t go to church find a Church that offers classes open to the public. I know ours has many classes, recovery groups, and so on open for the public… they just want to make sure you get plugged in or get help if you need it.

  Lastly… counseling! Very good thing to do before and after getting married. Even if it’s just for a Marriage Checkup. It gets that third person in there to help mediate and ask questions you may not have thought about. Look for a councilor that helps you but is not pushy, or lets one person walk all over the issue. Also be careful of those councilors that try to run your marriage for you. They are to give advice and steer both of you onto a more healthy path… not tell you how to live every day.

Again i hope this helps someone. I’m not an expert at all… i’m not a councilor..I’m just a woman that’s been there and done that and wants to share so it might help someone else out there.

Frog

Depression….

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  Depression…. man, i can go weeks even months feeling “normal” and then BAM! I’m feeling like the world hates me and no one really wants to hang out with me…. again. I’ve been asked by Doctor’s and now some Counselors when i think it all began. Thinking on it at first i thought “well i’ve always had it”…then they made me just stop a moment and think…hmmm yeah no i think it was around the time of 3rd grade a lot of things happened during that year and after. Things that scarred me for life and things that just should’ve never happened. Though sometimes i wonder about 1st grade… to be honest i can remember kindergarten but first grade the only memory i have is of me crying in my mom’s arms saying “don’t leave me she’s so mean!” outside the classroom. So yeah i wonder. But then it could be i’m nearing 30 and just my brain going. ….Like now and me rambling about this instead of the topic.

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     You know there is a difference between sadness and depression. Depression is a sadness so deep and consuming that you can’t think or breathe without wanting to just end it..give up…throw in that towel.  I’ve learned to shake it out of my head though. Going for walks, exercising, praying, reading and occupying my mind. Oh there are weeks where it grips me so hard i can’t shake it and normally those are the weeks that i close myself off from people more so then normal. There are different types of Depression too… most common is Seasonal (happens mainly during winter as things are dead and gray for so long it just effects certain people more so), then for ladies there is a depression that can take hold of us right before and during that horrible week for us.  Then there is also a bunch of others out there as well… i highly recommend looking them up and seeing if maybe you fit one or more. Sometimes Doctors are quick to say it’s one type when it could be more.

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  It’s hard when you’re depressed and all you want to do is have fun or spend time with your kids and all you can do is think about is bad things. Then you think about all the things you’ve missed out on and again those feelings of failure and shame come up and it just makes it all the more difficult to crawl out of this horrible feeling.

   Recently i got a whole lot of numbers from some awesome women that encouraged me to text or call when i felt this way… oh but man is it hard to pick up that phone and text those words to someone… “yeah hi i’m texting to tell you i can’t do this and i need someone to talk to because i’m a failure”. Oh i know that’s not the truth…but that is what my mind whispers to me and i just don’t want to feel that on top of my already messed up feelings so i just trying to do it myself. Which is bad… very bad! The more we try to do it ourselves the more we push the world and God out of our lives and say “i have to do it myself! No one can help me!” It puts strain on friendships and other relationships all together. I have now slowly started to just be real with my spouse… “Hunnie, I’m just feeling really down today”…you can’t believe how much of a break through that is for me!

     I’m going to be real right here and right now….I have tried to hurt myself multiply times… one time i almost succeeded. And i want to say…if you are in that area… if you are hurting yourself, let me tell you something that i didn’t hear often enough…

Don’t do that anymore…you matter so much! I know you feel alone and lost and like there is no light at the end of the tunnel anymore…but listen to those of us that have been there and done that…you matter! You are loved! You are special and beautiful! There is only one you and the world would be a horrible place with out you! Hang on to someone…message me…seek council and help… oh there are just so many of out there that have been right there and we will reach out to you! 

  Depression is not a laughing matter, it’s something real…and dangerous… and horrible to deal with. Give someone a hug or just a couple of those words i wrote up there ….we could all benefit from those words being said to us on a daily basis.

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  These are just some of my thoughts on this matter… and some of what has gone on in my life. I hope to go back and touch more on these topics again as i get more comfortable writing and letting people know my thoughts.

Frog

Just…Kids!

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   You know i love my kids. I really do! But on days like today all i want to do is escape! I want to run away and be free to have fun or clean to my heart’s content without it being ruined 5 seconds later! I’m not sure if it matters what gender they are…but yeah i have 3 boys. They are awesome! Some days i wish i had a daughter so i wasn’t so outnumbered but i think God knew what he was doing when he gave me nothing but boys. I was a tomboy growing up and only now am i starting to get “girly” but i will still look up a cool new bug, read stories about sharks and dinosaurs, and play with Legos.

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    If you didn’t know this then beware… there is NO PAIN LIKE STEPPING ON A LEGO PAIN! No i’m dead serious here… those things are evil! There is a comedian that does a shtick about them…look up Tim Hawkins and Legos. Hilarious! … and unfortunately TRUE! Now see my boys get Legos every year for birthday and Christmas, this past weekend i packed up every last Lego i could find and put it in and box and taped it shut… i told them that that box is now set for moving and they could not open it. Funny but i was cleaning today and found another handful of LEGOS! They are everywhere! My kids think it’s funny and that i’m a horrible parent for packing their Legos up. I think i’m super smart as this is the first time we are moving and have to sell a place first and i just can’t keep up with them and get this place in shape…so every toy but 3 for the older ones and a handful of toddler toys were packed up and set aside. YAY! Less cleaning! HA! Walked into the living room this evening and the toddler had destroyed all my work and the older ones just sat there and watched!

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     I love my kids… i can’t say that enough! But i seriously wonder if they sit down and plot how they are going to drive me crazy! I have my oldest “J” who is nearing those “teen years”, I have “E” who is just a couple years behind “J” and has anger issues (my own fault), and then we have “M” who is the toddler….and lets just say the other two were a breeze compared to him! Don’t let the cuteness fool you! He has a destruction rate of an EF5 Tornado and a mean streak like that of a Rattler! But i wouldn’t trade him or his brothers for anything. They brighten my life and make me think outside the box. They make me stay spontaneous and remember to have fun with people, because i have a bad mindset of people i would rather sit down with a book and read for hours on end, they remind me to not sit there but go!

    But sometimes i wonder if i’m doing this parenting thing right. All these new rules about “oh you can’t discipline your child that way!” or “why would you let your child do that?” just make you feel like a failure 100% of the time! There is just no real winning! I don’t give my kids a lot of chores… i don’t even really give them daily chores. I usually end up saying on some random day “hey can you go clean your room please?” which 2 hours later turns into “i asked you to clean your room nicely now get in there and clean!” I’m trying to work on this as i want my kids to know that there are things they must do on their own, no one is going to hand them anything. But then i want them to know that they can ask for help and receive it …at least from me.

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     Finding that healthy balance is hard! Right now i’m reading some books that are helping me and they are all by the same person…First one was Made to Crave, second was Unglued, and Third (which i have ordered but have read the first chapter and it’s awesome!) is the book called The Best Yes… all these books are written by Lysa TerKeurst. She is an amazing writing..mainly because she is real. She is a Christian writer…. but i have heard from non Christians that they even like them. So i highly recommend checking them out. (i wasn’t paid to say that either!) Parenting is hard and i’m just glad i found something that clicks with me and seems to be helping me find that healthy balance.

    So if you have ever sa there and wondered “wow this kids are driving me crazy!” don’t worry you’re not alone! Our kids are Blessings….but they sure can toe that line!

  I hope this helps someone!

Frog

Anxieties….

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Let me say… Anxieties are one of those subjects that people will sit there and say “oh just get over it! You are totally faking it!” To which i say hush up unless you have actually experienced having an anxiety attack i don’t want you’re opinion.

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   This is a very touchy subject for myself, personally, as I had fears…i was and still am afraid of the dark, heights, and planes. But 4 years ago while i was driving i had a major muscle spasm…scared me bad as it made me feel like i was having a heart attack and like i was going to pass out and never wake up. Then just 4 months later i get in a wreck… you know one of those stupid ones where you think “going to beat that light!” and so does the other person and BAM! Unfortunately i had my two oldest in my car with me at the time with both of these things and now if i’m by myself or just me and my kids I will have major anxiety attacks while trying to drive. I used to be able to drive all over the place and take myself to things and be FREE!! Now i depend on my husband a lot for getting places..and happy pills so i don’t go over the imaginary ledge.

Classics are the BEST!
Classics are the BEST!

It’s amazing how driving went from my thing for feeling free and calming down and just sheer enjoyment to my prison, cage, curse, and terrifying experience. To make this even worse i started having eye issues…i go to the eye Dr. and he informs me that i have Glaucoma…WHAT?! I’m not even 30 yet? How can this be? I thought this was something for when you were in your 60s or so? Apparently it’s a hereditary thing and can show up whenever it likes OR show up super early due to trauma. Well my grandpa on my dad’s side has it…yay me! So to add to my anxieties as night falls i can’t see well to drive. The darkness and the fast motion makes it hard for my eyes to focus 100% of the time and sometimes i have to close my eyes or i’ll get a massive headache.

At this time my husband is traveling a lot for work and i start having these weird chest pains that take my breath away, sometimes they are so bad i can’t catch my breath and start to hyperventilate. Then a sensation of the room spinning and then slowly getting dark starts and then i’ll snap out of it heart racing and feeling like i just came out of a short nap/fog. I couldn’t even begin to guess what this was and the Dr.s just kept saying it’s in my head and started labeling me as a Hypochondriac and shoving me off to the side. I go to a new Dr. and they say the same thing and write that nasty word down again. I finally got up the curage and told my Chiropractor what i was experiencing and he was like “well duh! you’re having anxiety attacks!” What? That’s a real thing? Funny that normal Dr.s had no idea what was going on but my “CHIROPRACTOR” did!

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    So i finally found a Dr. this last year that was nice and kinda in my face about some of my health things.

1. He gave me happy pills…nothing major…actually the smallest dose you can be on. and that seemed to take the edge off.

2. He pointed out that yeah i need to loose weight but here is how you can do that, first one to actually give me a plan to follow, all the others just said “do it” and then sent me on my way. (btw i’m down like 40lbs since going to him and though it’s kinda stopped i know that’s on me as i have been cheating on this plan OOPS!)

3. he pointed out if i get some of my health things under control and work on them they may go away or at least get better.

Finally someone that takes their job to heart and helps and gives you the tools to succeed!

In the past year my anxieties have been getting better though, I’m starting to tell myself things like “you can do this, just like riding a big bike” , “doesn’t’ matter who is driving,bad things can and will happen while you or your husband drive so might as well get out there” …you know a little pep talk before i get in the van. Now that we are trying to move again it has made me wonder…will this make my anxieties better or worse? I’m i going to find excuses to stay in my home and not leave? Am i going to drive my husband crazy with all these requests to drive me places? Will i loose friends due to these nasty little worries and panics? (Actually i think i’ve lost quite a few so far…not sure if this is the reason or what but yeah)

I’m not on here to give awesome advice… I’m not on here to get tons of followers or anything like that. (if i do hey that’s cool!) I’m on here to have something to write down my thoughts, concerns, and just what is going on in MY life…and see if maybe someone needed to see they are not alone.

Anyways… that’s a little bit about me and those nasty anxieties….. you know… i hope someone reads this and says “hey that is so me! I’m not alone! yay!”

Frog