So i can’t sleep tonight, it’s after midnight and i’m up working on making a necklace. I thought it a good thing at the time, and it was. But my mind is dancing all over with thoughts of other things and not even really on the necklace. Like “oh my goodness, did i mess up my leg? I really don’t have money to waste on an x-ray if it’s not broke really.” Then there are the thoughts about finally finding work but not having started yet and i know i just need to wait a bit longer but I’m one of those that wants to jump in and do it right away and if i can’t do it then i give up. I’m trying desperately to break that cycle.

    Also thinking about my plan for my jewelry stuff. Going to try and sell off as much as possible between the two vendor sales and then from there either gift items or try and sell them online or something. Then i switch over to my weight…. oh my! I am so angry at myself about this! I lost so much weight for a year and now it’s all back and then some! I’m like seriously sitting here crying about it. 😦  I don’t have good thoughts about myself…. and every time i try to change it with exercise or my eating habits i sabotage myself into failure.

   Then I see a verse of the day and it’s from Psalm 119 I’ve started to take the verse of the day and use it as a hook for myself to go read a part of the Bible i haven’t read before, and this is one of the ones i haven’t read before. It’s crazy long so i’m not going to post it here. It has 25 stanzas and each one has a “letter” of the Hebrew Alphabet as it’s header.  It’s pretty neat! But i sat there starting to read this i started thinking “this is me…. some thousand years ago a person wrote this and felt like i do”

     The meltdown of it is this…. We need to follow the commands that God placed into the Bible for us to read and follow. Even when bad things are happening to us…. even when we ourselves are a stumbling block we need to follow those commands/commandments. They are not just a suggestion. And there is more to them then just the “honor your mother and father”…. There’s more to it than just “Do not commit murder.” ..We need to research it and find out how God sees these commands and how HE wants us to follow through with them.

    THis is where i think convictions play a role too. Each person has their own convictions. I myself know that i can not drink alcohol really at all….I can not watch a lot of R rated movies with sex in them… I can not watch or hear about things that have realistic witchcraft or supernatural things in them (i can only watch the first 3 Harry Potter  movies…after that it’s a no go) .   See these are just a few of mine…. but i know that my friends and the people i see around me have different ones then me. They are going to follow some of these commands just a bit differently than me. And that’s ok…. in the end what matters is if we are following God’s will for ourselves.

Anyways….just my thoughts on this and that….



The World…


    So I’m super excited to be looking into going back into the work world. I think this is what i was trying to do when i started my Jewelry business….  Don’t get me wrong I’ve really enjoyed it a lot!!  But the past few days i’ve sat down, did the numbers, the pros and cons, and so on. And i’ve come to the decision to wave the white flag. I’ll still have my Facebook page up and do orders if someone wants something but I’m no longer going to go to Vendor events or keep stock on hand. It’s been over a year…. it’s time.

   I’ve also told myself that i’m getting rid of my scale…well put it away anyways… i’m no longer going to look at it! It’s just depressing me. Instead i’m going to work out at least 5 days a week, go walking every day, and work on my eating habits….Also going to look into finding a Dance studio closer to us if possible so Hubbie and i can go back to dancing! I love it!  And i think that’s part of it… I need to work on doing things i enjoy…but also not let them rule me….like sitting around with a book…it’s good but not to do it all the time and never get moving.

  I read an interesting passage this evening that kinda going along with the many things i’ve been thinking about lately. I’ll share it….


 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.”  -James 4:1-3

    It’s a pretty intense passage. I don’t think I have fought or quarreled about the things I’ve wanted…. or have i?  I had to sit back and think about that and then I realized i had! I fought with my husband, I’ve thought mean thoughts about others, and i’ve had arguements with my own self over this whole business thing!  It’s the same for the next part too… it may say Kill….and it probably did mean that but for me it’s not literal…. it’s metaphorical…it goes to my thoughts and anger. Don’t forget that it says in the Bible that  “‘You must not murder. If you commit murder, you are subject to judgment.’[c] 22 But I say, if you are even angry with someone,[d] you are subject to judgment!” – Matthew 5:21-22. 

   As i sat and thought about what to do i realized with this decision to start my own business i never did the most important thing…I never asked God about it…not seriously anyways. See God loves giving us our hearts desires…but we must do it in His timing and ask for His help.  I didn’t do that! So i guess i doomed it myself.  Because it says that we need to have the right motives at heart as well when we ask… again i don’t think i did. I just wanted it for myself and for my earthly wants.

    I have to say that in looking for a job now that i have a lot of peace about it… sure i’m nervous and excited but i also feel peace. I do want it so that i can get out and away every now and then…. but i also want it to help out teachers, to help out my family, and to teach. I have still done a lot of work in looking at other places… but everything keeps leading back to a “yes” so far with subbing at the schools.

     So for now i’m happy with this path I’m on… never know God might send me on a different one yet but It’s been interesting where He’s heading me right now. It’s always fun and interesting when i find a verse that makes me think and helps me make decisions!

Anyways….. just my thoughts for today!


Judgement…Part 2


       Tonight as i was driving home i saw a car pulling off to the side of the road. I watched as an elderly gentleman got out. If it hadn’t been so close to being dark and also i had seen him sooner i probably would’ve stopped and asked if he needed help. It got me thinking about some other verses in James.

      It’s so easy to say in your mind…”oh yes! I’m going to help that person!” or to say “well i tithe and help in my church so i’m good”…I’m working on becoming more plugged into my Church that i go to, but i’m also working on reaching out past that as well. When you’re in a safe place it’s easy to help or offer to help a person. But if you’re in an unknown area…driving in the near dark with your child with you….well it’s a little bit harder to reach out.

     By no mean do i mean to be foolish and do something that would lead to you being harmed. Like….following someone into a dark alley…or talking to a stranger that pulls up to you in a parking lot close to dark and you’re alone and only 13yrs old….yeah DON’T DO THOSE THINGS!!! Haha!!

Here are those verses….


“14 What good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don’t show it by your actions? Can that kind of faith save anyone?15 Suppose you see a brother or sister who has no food or clothing,16 and you say, “Good-bye and have a good day; stay warm and eat well”—but then you don’t give that person any food or clothing. What good does that do?

17 So you see, faith by itself isn’t enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless.”                         – James 2:14-17



           Such plain and simple words…. If  we say that we are a Follower of Christ than our actions need to say that. This includes doing good deeds. So if i sit back and say “oh i just can’t stop due to my eye sight and someone else will stop” each time i see someone in need of help, then how am i going to be able to spread God’s word? How am I going to show my Faith to anyone?

But it’s more then that as well. If i sit in Church or the Doctor’s Office, or even at my kids’ school and i hear someone is having a hard day and i just say “it’ll get better” and not sit with them, talk, but mainly listen to them and be a shoulder for them then i’m just as guilty as a person that did not reach out to say a Homeless person.

         This whole passage just screams to me to remember that we all need to be that shoulder, that hand that reaches out to help… because if you think about it…if Jesus hadn’t done just that where would we be today? Man, I don’t even want to imagine that! It’s a very scary thought. It also reminds me that i need to be teaching this to my children. They can be so spoiled and greedy at times and it makes me sad.

So I just need to pull out these verses and not only teach them what they say but to teach them by DOING it too.

Just my thoughts and ramblings on these verses……..


Back! and Progress….


       It’s been awhile… but it was a good break! On this break I focused on a lot of issues that i have been struggling with. Mainly my Depression, Self Worth, and Driving Anxiety. But i also started to work on an addiction that i just recently found out i had. Well i had an idea that i probably had it but had no idea how to work on it as there was no real group or anything for it. Well I finally told my counselor about it and she gave me a book and from that book i learned there was a workbook for it, I ordered it and i have been working through it with my counselor and let’s just say that when you try to get rid of one addiction another seems to come to the front of the line!

      One of these days I’ll be comfortable saying what my addiction is but for now just know it’s a struggle, and it’s not fun at all.

    But enough of that!! Let’s talk of good things… Like for the first time in 3 years i finally drove from my home to a location that is 20 minutes away (i drive kinda slow) and back with no other adult in the vehicle with me!!! I”m just totally stoked that I did it finally! I learned that i seem to have a slight (and i mean slight) case of PTSD or so the Doctor says so about driving. When he first told me i was like, “but i’m not in the army, i haven’t had anything major happen to me! Sure i had a muscle spasm and little accident right on top of each other but could that really trigger PTSD?”  He told me yes, specially in someone who is already struggling mentally with a lot of other things. And i was. So new meds and finally pushing myself off that imaginary ledge of “can i do this?” and I did it!!

       Now it truly is exciting that i did this but to my mind… i didn’t. That imaginary ledge also had another name, “Am I Going To Trust God?” That ledge…that question…that was scary! It tied into my Self Worth issues. I didn’t think God thought i was important. I didn’t think I mattered. I didn’t think I was the treasure, princess, or child that God wanted in His Kingdom. I mean if I had all this insecurity of “does my husband want me?”, “my kids don’t want me”, “No one wants to be my friend really,” how could God want me? I sunk myself into the Bible and really started to read it. Then we had a sermon about “are you a Fan or Follower of Jesus?” I really looked at the difference between the two, and saw where i had been. You can say you are a follower all you want but if you are not living it then all you are is talk and no action. You’re a Fan and Not a Follower!

       I started to let down my guard around God and started going to Him for everything, I started putting myself out there more….I started trying to make friends again, I started putting effort into my physical appearance, I started to reach out to help or do projects i normally wouldn’t think to do. It has been wonderful! I still struggle though, I still think of myself in a negative light some mornings, so I open my Bible and it now automatically opens to the book of James…The whole Book to me talks of being a Fan or Follower…how we should be acting and so on and to me it’s just a comforting Book to Read.

And so with that my verse for today comes from there….


 Dear brothers and sisters,when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.  For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.  So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.” James 1:2-4

The first verse can be a hard one to read…he doesn’t say “only these kind of troubles” nope… he says ANY KIND! We have a bad day? We should see this as an opportunity for joy! Now there are some things that should be grieved and processed before getting to the Joy…but I think we should look for that Joy in all things! Like my experience for example…when i’ve gone to recovery groups or to counseling they didn’t automatically say “well you should be seeing the joy in this right now!” No…they worked me through the stages of grief, anger, and so on and now finally I’m seeing the Joy and the good that has come out of these situations. And i think THIS is what they meant, they didn’t say BE Joyful…no they said “Consider It An Opportunity!” Meaning it will be coming, just not right away. SO I think we can be able to see the Joy in somethings right away even though they seem bad and sometimes it might take some healing first before we can finally feel that Joy.

 In the second verse it talks about our Faith being tested. It has taken me a long time to know that it is NOT God that is testing me! God is not tempted, He will NOT tempt you! I finally know who is tempting me…Satan. He wants us to fail, He wants us to fall on our faces…and I’ve done so, many times! The thing is, I think we can do the second part “..endurance has a chance to grow” when we pick ourselves up, call it what it was (Satan or our own Human selfishness) and work hard to not only to get back on the right path but to make sure we are not tripped up like that again. Some times we need help with this. We need a friendly person to come along side us to remind us to be watchful and to put God first and not our human nature.

Third verse reminds us to let it grow, we shouldn’t ever stop trying to better ourselves, our Faith, and our knowledge of God’s word. It says that if we are fully developed then we’re perfect and needing nothing. My thoughts on this is if we are perfect then we are no longer on this earth. So from this I get the idea of while we are living we need to be constantly watchful, constantly learning, constantly growing in our Faith. By this i mean we seek God in the morning, at lunch, and before bed…. and all those times in between. Making sure to read the Bible at some point in the day, and to reach out to others that are around us. I can be just as bad as anyone else with this. Lives get busy, children’s needs need to be met, there’s work, there’s that evil Facebook with all it’s cool games and people with pictures on it. Haha!!

What i get from all this is that we all struggle, it’s what we do with those struggles that mean the most. No one is perfect! Christians’ are NOT perfect…I personally know that i am broken…and because i know that i know i need God and because i need Him I know that i need to work on me every day.

        I hope you enjoyed reading this, hope it may have helped someone or at least got you thinking.


Getting It Right…


     This morning i woke in a very bad mood, totally ticked off with my husband. What’s funny is i was mad at him for something that had happened in my dream and he wasn’t guilty of at all. Ha Ha!!  Isn’t it just crazy that even before we open our eyes Satan is already there doing his tricks and making sure we can’t enjoy what God has for us?

So here i was just stewing and getting madder and starting to pick a part everything from last night and setting up what i was going to say and do and all this kinda stuff and then BAM! I see the verse i wrote down last night to do today. And boy do i need to sit down and meditate on this one! So let’s get to it!!


    The verse for me today is Psalm 86:11….maybe you already know it, it’s one of those “famous verses”, but for those of us that don’t here we go:

“Teach me your ways, O Lord,
    that I may live according to your truth!
Grant me purity of heart,
    so that I may honor you.”

   Ok, don’t know about you guys but seriously just reading it was like a wake up call! It makes me sit up straighter and want to read it over and over again! It makes me feel my heart and soul cry out and say “YES! I want that!!” Let’s break it down though so i don’t miss anything.

“Teach me your ways, O Lord….” I look at this and want to put “your” in all caps! This first part just really nails it in. Put lets look at the context a bit. For this i went back to the two previous verses:

All the nations you made
    will come and bow before you, Lord;
    they will praise your holy name.
 For you are great and perform wonderful deeds.
    You alone are God.”

    For me, with this information i can now know WHY i would want to learn from God! Look at that first part. Nation YOU MADE, will come and BOW before YOU! Here we know that HE made us…with the next two parts we know that we will want to praise HIM. Then lastly that last line tells us that He can do all things and only HIM ALONE can do this.

     Ok back to verse 11. Well with that knowledge we now know the why, If He can do all that, if He made us, then of course we would desire to learn from HIM!

“…so that I can live according to your truth!”  When i read this it gave me a second reason for wanting to learn from Him. If I am learning from God then in my mind it would be a lot easier to live a good and right life. It goes back to yesterday’s verse. As long as we are in HIM, learning, reading, taking the time to soak it all up then everything falls into place spiritually. Does this mean you’ll win the lottery? Or your marriage will be magically fixed? Sadly no. BUT you will have a new way of seeing things. It’ll no longer be up to you solely, you’ll have someone fighting right along with you! Now this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t keep trying to better yourself…not at all! Keep working on YOU! Only YOU can change YOU! But leave the other person to God. It works out so much better! Trust me… I totally understand!

     Ok I’m starting to ramble again Ha!  Let’s move on to the next part.

“Grant me purity of heart…” Here this tells me that no one has purity of heart….no one. we must ask for it, it must be GRANTED to us! This also tells me that I need this in order to live in His truth and learn from him. That purity of heart if a really be key for us!

And lastly “…so that I may honor You.”  This is important to me…In the end all of this together is to HONOR HIM!  What if we were to read this verse like this:

I honor you, by asking for a pure heart, living according to your truth, and learning your ways!

Look at that! To me doing these three things i bring God so much Honor! Not only do i bring Him honor, but i get to be closer to Him and soak in more knowledge and be prepared to face the day in a whole new light!

    How can i put this in my life today? Well going back to the beginning of this post….instead of letting Satan have my first thoughts this morning, i could’ve sat down and said “God give me a pure heart today! Let my THOUGHTS and WORDS and ACTIONS honor you! Teach me Lord to give these hurts over to YOU as soon as i wake each morning!”  Oh if i had started my day like that, my day would and can bring me so much JOY!

I hope that this may have Blessed you in some way! These are just my thoughts… they don’t make them right, or wrong… they are just my thoughts.


The Sickies…Plus the new beginning


    The allergy season is always hard on our household. My husband and middle child are in a constant allergy med haze, my oldest and I tend to not show signs until it is too late and we have a respiratory infection, and then our youngest goes from allergies to teething fun every few days.  As a mom you sometimes have these thoughts of  “Man, I should buy stock in cough medicine (or allergy)”. During this season i think this often, just a fun little thought of “buy right before allergy season and then sell right after…we’d be set!” Ha Ha!


     All this to say that this morning’s goal of waking up and starting into my new routine got sidelined a bit due to oldest staying home sick and the youngest not feeling well so he was up and being a normal toddler (think key word is destructive). I often describe cleaning with M awake like “Brushing your teeth while eating oreos”, in other words…pointless. LOL!  When he’s not feeling well it is a lot worse. S seriously praying this passes quickly and he’s back to his happy fun self again soon.


  Ok enough of that, let’s begin! The verses for today are Ephesians 1:18-19, I use the NLT version so i’ll put that here.

18 I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called—his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance.[g]

19 I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him.”

So going through this phrase by phrase and seeing how it applies to us and what it could mean more deeply.

“I pray your hearts will be flooded with light…”

Though i prefer to read for myself the New Living Translation, it is nice to go to the NIV version and see how it is worded there so i don’t miss something. It reads “I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened”.  Ok wow. So light and enlightened are meaning the same for me here (wisdom, knowledge, understanding). But look at the NIV version. It has “eyes of your heart”, this makes me go huh, my heart doesn’t have eyes, so what could he be really meaning. I think here he is meaning the desires of our hearts be opened to the Lords wisdom and understanding. Our understanding is so limited with our human brains that we want and need to allow God’s understanding to come into our hearts so that we are more open minded and understanding to the things around us. (remember this is just me trying to understand…there is no right answer here)

In the very next words “…so that you can understand the confident hope…” gives me an AHA! moment. Ok so light could also re a reference to what kind of understanding, meaning we don’t want just any old kind of knowledge…but GOOD, PURE, RIGHT understanding. THen if we have that then we can understand “Confident Hope”.  Confident, well some other words to mean that is “positive”, “self-assured”, “assertive”, etc.  To be confident it means you know you have it. Ok so if we look at it this way ” I pray that your heart has good open minded understanding so that you know that you have Hope” wow. Reading it that way makes me feel so much better! i KNOW i have Hope. Awesome!

“…he has given to those he called..” Now with this added to it it now shows to me that i can’t have this understanding unless HE has given it to me. Without HIS understanding we can not be confident in having Hope. Oh that makes me a little sad. If this had been my teenage self reading this i would’ve felt defeated, knowing i could not do it myself, i would need to lean on HIM for this. I was a strong willed, independent little girl…hearing i needed to wait and relay on someone else would’ve rubbed me the wrong way! So good thing i didn’t hear it till now! Now this gives me joy, knowing i DON’T have to do this alone. There is someone waiting to have my back and to help me. Again…wow! Love this!


“…his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance.”  Oh now that is awesome. So if we are his children…we are his rich and glorious inheritance…oh that is so sweet! To me this means that this understanding can not be taken away…it’s set.  The only way i could get rid of this is if i myself set this off to the side and tell him “i don’t need you, i can do it myself” That makes me feel safe and secure in this knowledge. What about you?

Ok last verse. Let’s do this and then I’ll write out all together what i think it means and how it’s special to me.

I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him.”  This feels like a complete thought or phrase so lets go back to the NIV version and see if it’s a little different. “and his incomparably great power for us who believe.”   A little less wordy and seems to sum it up nicely! SO here we can also understand and KNOW that we can have great power through HIM for those of us that can be called His Children. So not only will we get his knowledge but also his power to help us through our daily lives so long as we stay with him and allow Him into our hearts.

What a great and wonderful promise! To apply this to my life I’m hoping to dig deeper into His Word every day i can so that i can find and apply more of these promises!  We’ll see what new verses i find in my reading later today that i can post for tomorrow.


Hope you enjoyed this! If not please feel free to tell me how it can be better. (unless you’re just going to be rude…then please feel free to practice the “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all” rule.)



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   Today i’m sitting on my bed crying as i type this….it seems to be my constant state of being. I have no idea if what i type helps others, but i do know it helps me. Today i need the help of releasing all these words to here so that hopefully i can process them or just move on.

   I’m so heartbroken about who i am, what i’m doing with my life, and how my marriage is going. And because i’m going to talk about my marriage i’m not going to share it to the normal feeds like i do.

   I see myself as always being this majorly messed up person with eye issues, anxiety issues, being sad, and having a bit of a temper. It’s never going to get better. Though I am now going to counseling, i just don’t see how it’s going to change anything.

   See put of my issues comes from things in my past but they also come from here and now. I feel unwanted, unloved, and like I’m just here to watch the kids and clean house. It seems to be the roller coaster ride of my marriage. I tried talking to H last night…tried telling him how I’m feeling like we’re just two roommates and theres nothing else really there. H then says “well, i got my rent money”.  I guess he meant it as a joke but to me it’s a slap in the face… nothing is truly mine as he pays for everything, I have my van in my name but it’s breaking down…which means a loan probably and that means it’ll be under his name. It also hurts as when he stepped out on our marriage he came home one night and when i told him to get out he said very plainly “i don’t have to it’s my home, i pay for it”….at that point i just crumbled inside…like seriously i had been screaming, but as soon as he said that i got quiet, and i just said “yes, it’s all yours” and i began to pack my bags with the few things i could claim.  Now apparently i didn’t leave leave…as i’m still here, but it was very close.

    Days like today i wish i had…but yet i don’t. I mean I love my Husband… it’s there in the deep parts of my heart, I love him, but the pain and loneliness i feel just makes me wish i had. Though i know if i had finding another spouse wouldn’t fix it… i’m not going to magically find that perfect someone and we’ll live happily ever after. There is no perfect….and there is no happily ever after. If you’re reading this and you’re single and you think like this…. sorry but wake up and smell the sewers…there ain’t no roses. If you think “oh she’s just saying that because her marriage is messed up” Think again! I can point to members of my family, some friends, and even some neighbors…they are either in a marriage like mine or have married many times trying to find “perfect”…they’ll tell you the same thing i just did. It ain’t real!

      This is another part that bugs me… H will believe or at least acknowledge a professional or things said by other people more readily than anything i suggest or say. It has gotten to the point at times where i will give an idea and then say it was “so and so”‘s idea and he’ll go with it right away and love it and yayness happens. I know lying is bad and a sin and i’ll probably get my butt kicked when i get to Heaven for it all…but i just want my opinion to matter, to matter to my husband…you know the person that is supposed to be MY partner? So H had been out of town… he comes back and i have a cold sore (i get them often in winter when everyone is sick and have so since i was a child). Now cold sore are this annoying thing, they are a form of herpes it’s one that is so common most people have it and don’t know or are like me and know and try their best to not spread them.

    So here i am making sure no one drinks from my glass, make sure not to kiss my kids (as a mom it’s almost automatic to kiss their cheek ), or kiss my husband.  Well while it was healing i bit my lip, same area and really hard too, to the point it was bleeding. Well..it all finally heals except the bite area and since it’s in the same location it looks like i still have a cold sore. H will not believe that i don’t have it anymore and i think he thinks i’m purposely trying to “infect him”. Ok this is what makes me so mad… seriously if you have cold sores the virus that causes them is in your system ALL THE TIME, seriously! the only reason they show up is because if you are stressed, sick, or some other issue …it’s going to lower your immune system to where the sores can then form. We always have the virus though…though true you can’t spread it unless you have a sore visible! Now my cold sore has been healed for over a week now…even the bite area is healed but just my luck it’s left a scar…a permanent red area on my lip where it had been. H now still refuses to kiss me. I seriously feel like a Leper that is diseased and gross and disgusting. Totally not helping with my depression or the feeling of not being wanted in this marriage.

    This wednesday i go back into the counselor and i want to just walk in, sit down, and say “i can’t do this anymore.” I want a husband that thinks i’m pretty and says it… even says it when it’s not true…I want a husband that shows some kind of emotion that says i matter to him. I even gave him a challenge to tell me “You’re Pretty” each day just once… i didn’t care if he meant it but i need to hear those words for the one person who matters. Not from guys in the store saying that and then asking if i’m married.   I don’t want to keep living this way. We’re finally listing our house… we’re finally moving and all of a sudden it just all doesn’t matter to me. Heck even the kids don’t matter….. i mean i love them but yet all i want is for them to go away. They just seem to remind me that all i’m good for is sex and making babies and that’s it…. I’m not worthy of love or being cherished or anything.

And i guess that is why this is labeled Hopelessness….. I have no hope anymore.


No More….?

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So I used to be one of those cool Christians…. I didn’t shove the Bible down your throat, I didn’t point out others flaws i just really thought those flaws were none of my business, and i helped people…. oh man did i help people! I helped them to the point i let them destroy my teen years and some of my early adult years.

As the years have passed a strange thing has happened, I stopped being compassionate, i became more and more irritable around people.  When someone asked me to help them i started to look at them as a plague and not a person. I started to have a “NO MORE” attitude around everyone.

Whats funny is that i was watching Dr. Who with my kid (yes i watch it i still don’t agree with many episodes but i’ll watch some) and we came to the episode labeled “The Day of the Doctor”. The Doctor has a choice… kill everyone or let the whole thing blow up…not very good choices in my book. But he came to these choices as he said NO MORE to see everything falling apart around him. Like him i can put a finger on the day i stopped being compassionate to everyone. October 15th 2012.  I stopped loving people… i stopped loving myself….. and i didn’t want to deal with the reasons behind it “NO MORE”.

Some days… like today… I miss the old me. I do. I miss caring for people, I miss getting together with people, and most of all I miss feeling good about helping people and getting nothing in return. Now this woman i am is bitter, hates a good handful of her neighbors (specially that one that honks their horn at all times day or night), see people as “yeah you say just to call you for help but when that call comes it aint happening”, or seeing them as “i want to be your friend but i’m going to go do group gatherings with tons of other ladies and not even think about asking you if you want to join in”….I’m sorry that one really gets me…..

You know that’s the other thing i hate about myself now…it used to not bug me what others did… but now the almost constant Facebook montage of photos showing me that i do’t fit into any group of friends in any way just finally hit that button… and now i’m bitter… i hate people…. I seriously want nothing to do with them…. I don’t want to help people anymore since i know no one will really help when i need it.

Days like today all i want to do is complain (hence this lovely post) and cry “BooHoo to me and so on and so forth and etc.” I’ve become a horrible Christian… i say i’m working on myself but really I’m not sure if it’s working if the more i do these support and recovery groups make me hate people and myself more? Sure i don’t explode anymore really at my kids… but i think i’m imploding on myself more and that’s messing up my thought process.

Anyways a long post about nothing more then me complaining about me and the fact that i’m a bitter old woman that hates people. HAHHAHA!

Anyone else feel that way some days?


Defeated and Excited…

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   So this month has been hard. We are still trying to make our house list worthy. And that is frustrating as i know once the painting and bathroom are done that the Realtor could very much sell our home. But i have a feeling someone will not agree and say “oh but we need to do more and it’s not perfect”….no it won’t be perfect, it never was perfect and never will be perfect… we need to move on.

   On top of that bill company did a sneaky under handed move and i wish i could yell at them but all it would do is….welll nothing. It would do no good, they are deaf to complaint and they are a huge company so doing anything else would be a waste.

   It really wouldn’t have matter but i was given an opportunity to start another branch of a cousin’s business where i’m at and it would hopefully mean a little income here and there, and that’s why i’m so excited! I’ve never had my own business and didn’t have a whole lot of know how to go about it but all of a sudden here i am and everything seems to be falling into place, but the mess up with the bill messed up the buying of start up stuff for my business. I wanted to cry. Like seriously i hate crying but i do it at a drop of the hat… i think that’s why i hate it so much. That and i think it’s a sign of weakness. So it was just a bummer and all it was a hiccup in the end i was able to buy some stuff, but it felt a little hollow after all that.

  Then i look at our budget and realize i can get a few things for the kids for the start of school but than that’s it… i won’t be able to supply extras or anything else like a normally do at the beginning of the school year and i just feel like a failure… i feel like i failed the kids and that they will be pointed at and made fun of because of me and that the Teachrs will be mad at me as well.

   I just feel like this huge failure all around that i really don’t have anything for me to do but the kids and housework… I lot of my friends have jobs of some kind even if it’s just an at home job. I guess i felt lacking. I so hope this business venture pans out and i’m super excited to start it. So that’s why i have all these warring feeling going on. So excited to get going and sell some stuff…but on the other hand i’m so bummed about the state of things NOW!

It’s hard having all these things in my head and not be able to feel comfortable talking with someone about it all… but i feel totally ok to post it here for all of you to read LOL!

Anyways a glimpse of what is up lately here. Can anyone else relate to this?


Movie: Mom’s Night Out….

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   The other night i sat down and watched Mom’s Night Out. LOVE this movie! I can sit down and laugh and cry with this movie WITH my kids! They of course don’t understand the humor behind it…but i do.


   My two favorite parts are when Ally is talking with Bones in the Police Station and the ending scene with Ally and her husband at the bowling alley. Both of them touch my heart in special ways.

   For the scene with Bones, Ally is seating there and telling him how she’s messed everything up and how she is the worst mom and that her kids could’ve had better then her. Bones goes on this long and deep story about his mom and God. The best line is “Ally you just need to be the best YOU you can be and let God do the rest”. OH! Profound! How often as Moms do we sit and rip ourselves up into tiny little pieces? How often do we sit there and compare ourselves to that mom that “looks” like she has it all together? (Because let’s face it no women with kids has it all figured out…no way!) How often do we sit there and judge another mom on how she did something wrong? On and on the list goes. We compare, judge, and badmouth ourselves and others so much it’s a wonder we have time for anything else..especially raising our kids.

   Here’s an example: A Christian radio station that i listen to posted on their Facebook page today a funny video of two toddlers being caught in the act of spreading dry baking flour all over the house and the mom is videoing her reaction and the mess and she’s not flying off the deep end and screaming at them. The comments that i read made me sad. Things like “where was she?” “how irresponsible of this mother!” “I’d never let my kids do that!” “She should’ve been watching her kids better!” Oh it broke my heart! People….. it’s FLOUR! It will clean up…. it’s NOT toxic! A special memory of something that yes the kids shouldn’t have done and the mom making into something funny was instantly turned into this debate about how SHE messed up and was a horrible person.

It all goes back to that line… be the best YOU you can be. no one else. YOU! and only YOU! don’t try to change a person… it’s not going to work….give advice if it’s being asked for…but otherwise we all need to stop and work on ourselves and make us the best we can be before we decide to crucify someone about THEIR choices. (this goes for family things as well!)

The second scene…where Ally’s husband Sean is trying to tell her how he sees what being a mom is… she’s going on about it’s hard, difficult, crazy…. and so on. But finally she let’s him finish and he says “Being a mom is IMPORTANT”. Oh wow…  Again we are so quick to sit here and complain about how hard and difficult being a mom is… but really it’s the most important thing in the world.  They throw in the saying “the person that rocks the cradle rules the world”. It’s true. Without moms we wouldn’t be here. These tiny people depend on us… they love us no matter what! (yes even teenagers or preteens that scream they hate you…they love you as well!) They look to us on how to behave, how to dress, how to cook, how to live life! Even when we’re not looking they are and they are learning from us on how to be a human being. our role in their lives are sooooo important! Now don’t get me wrong… moms and dads are not perfect some of them give up… trust me i know! Don’t let that shape you…let it TEACH YOU!

   Oh how i love this movie! The teachings you can pick up from it… the great laughs you can let go and know that someone else has been down that road! I love the fact that it’s a good wholesome movie with nothing nasty in it and seems to be a #1 on a lot of peoples lists! Wish movie companies would get the hint and make more movies like this one!

Anyways… just wanted to share this fun little thing… was a great break from moving craziness!