Marriage is hard! Why didn’t anyone tell me this?! hmmm maybe they did and i thought ” of course it’s hard for you but it won’t be for me!” Yeah i was a naive little thing!
My husband and i have been officially married now for 8 years! EIGHT YEARS! Good grief where has the time gone? We didn’t get a “Honeymoon” period at all… i was a single mom and at the time “J” was only 2 and a half years old… we had to jump right into the game. We did! We moved from Indiana to Texas and i was over the moon happy! I didn’t have friends there and there were so many bad memories that i was just excited to be rid of the place. I knew i would miss my family but didn’t realize how much! That first year of marriage was ok. We welcomed our second child, we moved, we found a babysitter in our area, you know that kinda stuff. The second year was the pits! My husband’s work needed him to travel and what was supposed to be a 2 month thing turned into a SIX MONTH thing… So for six months my husband was somewhere else….he came home for a few days once a month during that time. I learned to take care of the kids and finances the best i could… i did chores and just about everything. I felt totally alone…like i was a single parent again…but i wasn’t. I was in this limbo of sorts trying to figure things out.
Finally he came home for good and we got out of our rental and moved to where we are now… i thought hey everything is going to be awesome now! HA! oh man was i in for another kicker! Things fell downward fast after this. We resented each other for different things… he wanted susie homemaker…i wanted someone to be by my side and help me. He wanted to have another kid right away… i wanted to wait and get things figured out before that. The resentment built, anger simmered and then boiled. Words were yelled, doors slammed, and night where i slept on the couch because i didn’t want to be near this person. It got to a point where my health just started going down the tubes too… it was horrible. Then the lightning stuck… it was awful! I couldn’t breathe…. i wanted to throw up but couldn’t… my heart was ripped out of my chest…and then i said things i regret to this day but i wanted him to hurt! I wanted him to have his heart and mind to hurt as badly as mine did at that point and time. I took my ring off and told him “i’m done”. I was walking away i had my foot out the door but he pleaded for us to try again. I said i would think about it.
A week later while he was on his what would be his last trip for quite some time, i was just broken down and didn’t know what to do. They had just started showing our Church service online and i hopped on there to watch hoping for some answers or peace of some kind. The guy in charge of it said “if you have anything you need special prayer for or need advice please feel free to message myself or one of the other hosts”. I did it…i sent a message saying what was going on and i just didn’t know what to do from there. He immediately messaged back and it lead to my husband and i sitting in his office, once he got back, listening to him and him to us… then he offered to help us with some counseling! Our church has a Counseling Center in it… and he hooked us up with them and we started attending. It wasn’t fun or pretty, She asked us hard questions and made us talk civilly to one another. During all this i got a kick in the stomach news that i needed to have a hysterectomy but we wanted one more kid… so we tried and tada! Of course when you’re pregnant and trying to work through emotional things it’s bad. but it worked out fine, it took a long time, but we are finally on a good road.
Now i share all this not to humiliate my husband or myself but to say “look this is how bad it was… this is where we came from..but this is not where we are at anymore.” I think Hollywood has made it seem ok to divorce your spouse as soon as you have a little hiccup in your marriage or if you just “don’t feel in love” it’s ok to leave that union. It’s not ok… i mean that’s why the vows say what they say. “Not to be taken lightly” “Speak now or forever hold your peace” “let no man break apart” I mean these vows are serious!
I do say there are things that warrant a divorce and i’m not here to point a finger and say “shame on you”, nope, not what i’m doing. I’m hoping that someone out there that is thinking about getting married see this and goes “man well am i really ready for this?” or maybe someone out there is going through a really hard time and maybe they need to hear this too. So that’s why i write this out tonight.
Now here is what i have learned. Marriage is work. You can’t just keep living the life you have been doing… now it’s time for you to think of the other person more then yourself. Putting them as number one in this relationship (if you are a follower of Christ, He should always be number one and then your spouse, just saying) and trying to learn that person. What makes them happy, sad, mad? Read the 5 Love Languages Book that is out there…umm another one is Love and Respect… and Fall in Love Stay in Love. All three of these books helped our marriage when it was falling apart… but maybe they can help someone out there before that point.
Do not under any circumstance go into marriage thinking “oh that’s bad but i’m sure over time i can change that person”. NO! I’m sorry but all you will do is hurt yourself, that person, and the relationship will probably crumble. In a marriage you can only work and change YOU! that’s it… no one else. That whole free will thing… yeah that is totally there.
Get into a support group of some kind. I think having a healthy support group of people is a good key for marriage too. If you go to Church look for a sunday school class, we call it life group, or if you don’t go to church find a Church that offers classes open to the public. I know ours has many classes, recovery groups, and so on open for the public… they just want to make sure you get plugged in or get help if you need it.
Lastly… counseling! Very good thing to do before and after getting married. Even if it’s just for a Marriage Checkup. It gets that third person in there to help mediate and ask questions you may not have thought about. Look for a councilor that helps you but is not pushy, or lets one person walk all over the issue. Also be careful of those councilors that try to run your marriage for you. They are to give advice and steer both of you onto a more healthy path… not tell you how to live every day.
Again i hope this helps someone. I’m not an expert at all… i’m not a councilor..I’m just a woman that’s been there and done that and wants to share so it might help someone else out there.