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   So i can’t sleep tonight, it’s after midnight and i’m up working on making a necklace. I thought it a good thing at the time, and it was. But my mind is dancing all over with thoughts of other things and not even really on the necklace. Like “oh my goodness, did i mess up my leg? I really don’t have money to waste on an x-ray if it’s not broke really.” Then there are the thoughts about finally finding work but not having started yet and i know i just need to wait a bit longer but I’m one of those that wants to jump in and do it right away and if i can’t do it then i give up. I’m trying desperately to break that cycle.

    Also thinking about my plan for my jewelry stuff. Going to try and sell off as much as possible between the two vendor sales and then from there either gift items or try and sell them online or something. Then i switch over to my weight…. oh my! I am so angry at myself about this! I lost so much weight for a year and now it’s all back and then some! I’m like seriously sitting here crying about it. 😦  I don’t have good thoughts about myself…. and every time i try to change it with exercise or my eating habits i sabotage myself into failure.

   Then I see a verse of the day and it’s from Psalm 119 I’ve started to take the verse of the day and use it as a hook for myself to go read a part of the Bible i haven’t read before, and this is one of the ones i haven’t read before. It’s crazy long so i’m not going to post it here. It has 25 stanzas and each one has a “letter” of the Hebrew Alphabet as it’s header.  It’s pretty neat! But i sat there starting to read this i started thinking “this is me…. some thousand years ago a person wrote this and felt like i do”

     The meltdown of it is this…. We need to follow the commands that God placed into the Bible for us to read and follow. Even when bad things are happening to us…. even when we ourselves are a stumbling block we need to follow those commands/commandments. They are not just a suggestion. And there is more to them then just the “honor your mother and father”…. There’s more to it than just “Do not commit murder.” ..We need to research it and find out how God sees these commands and how HE wants us to follow through with them.

    THis is where i think convictions play a role too. Each person has their own convictions. I myself know that i can not drink alcohol really at all….I can not watch a lot of R rated movies with sex in them… I can not watch or hear about things that have realistic witchcraft or supernatural things in them (i can only watch the first 3 Harry Potter  movies…after that it’s a no go) .   See these are just a few of mine…. but i know that my friends and the people i see around me have different ones then me. They are going to follow some of these commands just a bit differently than me. And that’s ok…. in the end what matters is if we are following God’s will for ourselves.

Anyways….just my thoughts on this and that….

Frog

No More….?

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So I used to be one of those cool Christians…. I didn’t shove the Bible down your throat, I didn’t point out others flaws i just really thought those flaws were none of my business, and i helped people…. oh man did i help people! I helped them to the point i let them destroy my teen years and some of my early adult years.

As the years have passed a strange thing has happened, I stopped being compassionate, i became more and more irritable around people.  When someone asked me to help them i started to look at them as a plague and not a person. I started to have a “NO MORE” attitude around everyone.

Whats funny is that i was watching Dr. Who with my kid (yes i watch it i still don’t agree with many episodes but i’ll watch some) and we came to the episode labeled “The Day of the Doctor”. The Doctor has a choice… kill everyone or let the whole thing blow up…not very good choices in my book. But he came to these choices as he said NO MORE to see everything falling apart around him. Like him i can put a finger on the day i stopped being compassionate to everyone. October 15th 2012.  I stopped loving people… i stopped loving myself….. and i didn’t want to deal with the reasons behind it “NO MORE”.

Some days… like today… I miss the old me. I do. I miss caring for people, I miss getting together with people, and most of all I miss feeling good about helping people and getting nothing in return. Now this woman i am is bitter, hates a good handful of her neighbors (specially that one that honks their horn at all times day or night), see people as “yeah you say just to call you for help but when that call comes it aint happening”, or seeing them as “i want to be your friend but i’m going to go do group gatherings with tons of other ladies and not even think about asking you if you want to join in”….I’m sorry that one really gets me…..

You know that’s the other thing i hate about myself now…it used to not bug me what others did… but now the almost constant Facebook montage of photos showing me that i do’t fit into any group of friends in any way just finally hit that button… and now i’m bitter… i hate people…. I seriously want nothing to do with them…. I don’t want to help people anymore since i know no one will really help when i need it.

Days like today all i want to do is complain (hence this lovely post) and cry “BooHoo to me and so on and so forth and etc.” I’ve become a horrible Christian… i say i’m working on myself but really I’m not sure if it’s working if the more i do these support and recovery groups make me hate people and myself more? Sure i don’t explode anymore really at my kids… but i think i’m imploding on myself more and that’s messing up my thought process.

Anyways a long post about nothing more then me complaining about me and the fact that i’m a bitter old woman that hates people. HAHHAHA!

Anyone else feel that way some days?

Frog

Defeated and Excited…

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   So this month has been hard. We are still trying to make our house list worthy. And that is frustrating as i know once the painting and bathroom are done that the Realtor could very much sell our home. But i have a feeling someone will not agree and say “oh but we need to do more and it’s not perfect”….no it won’t be perfect, it never was perfect and never will be perfect… we need to move on.

   On top of that bill company did a sneaky under handed move and i wish i could yell at them but all it would do is….welll nothing. It would do no good, they are deaf to complaint and they are a huge company so doing anything else would be a waste.

   It really wouldn’t have matter but i was given an opportunity to start another branch of a cousin’s business where i’m at and it would hopefully mean a little income here and there, and that’s why i’m so excited! I’ve never had my own business and didn’t have a whole lot of know how to go about it but all of a sudden here i am and everything seems to be falling into place, but the mess up with the bill messed up the buying of start up stuff for my business. I wanted to cry. Like seriously i hate crying but i do it at a drop of the hat… i think that’s why i hate it so much. That and i think it’s a sign of weakness. So it was just a bummer and all it was a hiccup in the end i was able to buy some stuff, but it felt a little hollow after all that.

  Then i look at our budget and realize i can get a few things for the kids for the start of school but than that’s it… i won’t be able to supply extras or anything else like a normally do at the beginning of the school year and i just feel like a failure… i feel like i failed the kids and that they will be pointed at and made fun of because of me and that the Teachrs will be mad at me as well.

   I just feel like this huge failure all around that i really don’t have anything for me to do but the kids and housework… I lot of my friends have jobs of some kind even if it’s just an at home job. I guess i felt lacking. I so hope this business venture pans out and i’m super excited to start it. So that’s why i have all these warring feeling going on. So excited to get going and sell some stuff…but on the other hand i’m so bummed about the state of things NOW!

It’s hard having all these things in my head and not be able to feel comfortable talking with someone about it all… but i feel totally ok to post it here for all of you to read LOL!

Anyways a glimpse of what is up lately here. Can anyone else relate to this?

Frog

Happiness….

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   So today, on Facebook, Dave Ramsey’s page posted an article that i read and it sounded good… and then as i kept reading i just had this feeling of “wait, what? that ain’t right!”  (here is the article http://christywright.com/2015/06/5463/?ectid=fb.dr.nf )

   Ok so it starts out about this slogan a company had… about how you don’t flirt when he looks good…but when you do.

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First off if you’re married you are to be only flirting with your spouse and she kinda makes it seem like it’s ok to just flirt with anyone. That makes me mad! If you flirt with a married person it is in NO WAY INNOCENT!!!!!! You hurt many people when you do that! You get the guy thinking about something else…. you tempt him! Of course you’ll be saying “well if he really loves her it won’t matter”…. ok if you dangle a steak in front of an animal long enough they are going to go for it. DUH! You hurt that wife… she starts to think about how unworthy of love she must be, how she must be ugly, how she must of messed up, and on and on it goes… the reverse can be said about men too…they worry about these same things! If there are kids involved they wonder too about how they must not have been good enough or done things right. NEVER FLIRT WITH A MARRIED PERSON!!!!  If a married person hits on you…shame on them and you tell them they are sick and go your way.(sorry pet peeve…stepping down from my soapbox)

  Then as you go on back to the article you read more about how you don’t do such and such if another person feels a certain way but when YOU do. Well wow… so i guess i shouldn’t take care of my kids unless i feels good? but then she puts a little spin in there about how that and some other things are supposed to be our responsibilities and need to do them despite how we feel… but wait…she just said…. I started getting confused at this point.

And then she goes back into talking about how we need to take care of ourselves and that it shouldn’t be a luxury item but a sure thing.

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Oh yes we do need to take care of ourselves…but not to become happy… to to sit here and go “ok i’ll be happy if…” there is a lot of ways that can end badly. I grew up with that mind set…. things will make me happy no one else is going to make me happy… GOD doesn’t care if i’m happy…He’s an angry God…a Vengeful God….I can’t go to him for my happiness.

I’m finally learning that is not true… He is a Caring and Loving God… He is fair and just…yes things don’t make sense when they first happen sometimes but later on they will. There is that good and evil out there… we have FREE WILL granted to us…we can choose to be happy by things or be happy with moments and Faith.

Some of my happiest times are not with things but more with the memories i have with my kids… the little signs here and there that God IS there watching out for me….and with my spouse figuring things out together.

So i guess what i’m getting at is that sure yes we need to take car of ourselves like she said… but don’t make that you’re number one way to get your happiness as you’ll be really disappointed in the long run with that.

Anyways… just my thoughts on that….

Frog

Witchcraft and Magic….

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   I know some people will read this and get huffy and say i’m not right. But let me remind you that again this is not about anyone being right or wrong… it’s about me being able to write down my thoughts that bother me or just share something of myself and maybe touch someone that might be going through the same thing.

   So we’ve all been teenagers… or we are one now….but the point is when you’re a teenager you do things to learn for yourself what they might be like. Well witchcraft and magic was one of those things for myself. So let me tell you my background on it and a story-ish type thing… and i’ll put my 2 cents out there about what i think about it from there.

   So I grew up in a Christian home… everyone went to Church…everyone prayed at dinner… everyone knew that Jesus was the Son of God in our home. But there was some things lacking… and it sent me on a search.

   I found some people that i thought actually liked me…it was a lie of course and i know that now but then i thought it real. They were into drinking, sex, drugs, crazy enough praying, casting out demons, and making sure we all went to church. Crazy right? I wanted to fit in though so i started smoking, drinking, participating in “exorcisms”, and of course Church. Right before all this my mom had been in a car accident you know one of those ones you shake your head and go “wow and she lived??!” There were many things that happened that caused my heart to break and wonder if i was loved. So i hooked up with these guys.

   That summer i tried going and doing things my way…my Grandmother who was my best friend had just died….i was 15 yrs old…i was crushed! I hated the world…i was lost… i needed to grieve and didn’t know how. Unfortunately someone took advantage of that… and then another…long story short…i never went back there. But i looked for ways i could hurt some one. We had gotten a computer….it opened the world to me.

Now a bit more background… my father always told us… don’t mess with witchcraft and magic…you have no idea what you would be dealing with and you couldn’t stand the consequences. Back to the new awesome computer…i decide tha what he’s been telling me all my life is silly and not real, can’ hurt me right? So i surf and look things up… i read. i study. I’m an idiot. HA!

The week (mind you it was just one week) that i did all of this i  had nightmares… night terrors… whatever you want to call them i would wake screaming or couldn’t wake from dreams that felt like i was dying. One of these dreams still “haunts” me… in it i’m sleeping on the couch, an old relative of mine is there she’s staring straight at me from across the room, the look is like death itself. I look down and there is a book on the coffee table in front of me… it looks very old and ugly… i think it might have blood on it. Then she starts walking towards me and i can’t breathe…. she tells me to follow her and she heads up the stairs that are right beside me. I woke at this point screaming my head off and scary enough i’m sleeping on the couch and it feels like she’s still there! I think this is the one my parents come out to see what the crazy is going on.

At this point my Dad tells me who she is…what she was (a witch i guess) and that i should never follow her. At this point it all becomes very real to me. I stop everything and try my best to forget everything. But it’s left me with a problem. I no longer have this innocence that i had before. It’s hard to explain… but i can’t watch horror flicks anymore, I can’t watch a lot of real life actors playing around with magic and witchcraft as it makes me edgy and scared… i have nightmares that make Stephen Kings movies and books look like sweet fairy tales.

As i grew up i learned more…. the more you look at it there are two sides to every coin…there is good… and there is evil. I’m not going to quote scripture or anything like that… but i could….really though it boils down to this…if all the good in the world is done by God…doesn’t that mean that all the bad and seeing into things would be done by Satan?

  And i don’t know about you but i’m not mess with the one in charge of all the bad.

Not sure if this made any sense… or if it’ll help anyone… but it’s been on my mind all day and it just feels good to put it down and now i can walk away from it.

Frog

Marriage…

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   Marriage is hard! Why didn’t anyone tell me this?! hmmm maybe they did and i thought ” of course it’s hard for you but it won’t be for me!” Yeah i was a naive little thing!

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  My husband and i have been officially married now for 8 years! EIGHT YEARS! Good grief where has the time gone? We didn’t get a “Honeymoon” period at all… i was a single mom and at the time “J” was only 2 and a half years old… we had to jump right into the game. We did! We moved from Indiana to Texas and i was over the moon happy! I didn’t have friends there and there were so many bad memories that i was just excited to be rid of the place. I knew i would miss my family but didn’t realize how much! That first year of marriage was ok. We welcomed our second child, we moved, we found a babysitter in our area, you know that kinda stuff. The second year was the pits! My husband’s work needed him to travel and what was supposed to be a 2 month thing turned into a SIX MONTH thing… So for six months my husband was somewhere else….he came home for a few days once a month during that time. I learned to take care of the kids and finances the best i could… i did chores and just about  everything. I felt totally alone…like i was a single parent again…but i wasn’t. I was in this limbo of sorts trying to figure things out.

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   Finally he came home for good and we got out of our rental and moved to where we are now… i thought hey everything is going to be awesome now! HA! oh man was i in for another kicker! Things fell downward fast after this. We resented each other for different things… he wanted susie homemaker…i wanted someone to be by my side and help me. He wanted to have another kid right away… i wanted to wait and get things figured out before that. The resentment built, anger simmered and then boiled. Words were yelled, doors slammed, and night where i slept on the couch because i didn’t want to be near this person. It got to a point where my health just started going down the tubes too… it was horrible. Then the lightning stuck… it was awful! I couldn’t breathe…. i wanted to throw up but couldn’t… my heart was ripped out of my chest…and then i said things i regret to this day but i wanted him to hurt! I wanted him to have his heart and mind to hurt as badly as mine did at that point and time. I took my ring off and told him “i’m done”. I was walking away i had my foot out the door but he pleaded for us to try again. I said i would think about it.

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   A week later while he was on his what would be his last trip for quite some time, i was just broken down and didn’t know what to do. They had just started showing our Church service online and i hopped on there to watch hoping for some answers or peace of some kind. The guy in charge of it said “if you have anything you need special prayer for or need advice please feel free to message myself or one of the other hosts”. I did it…i sent a message saying what was going on and i just didn’t know what to do from there. He immediately messaged back and it lead to my husband and i sitting in his office, once he got back, listening to him and him to us… then he offered to help us with some counseling! Our church has a Counseling Center in it… and he hooked us up with them and we started attending. It wasn’t fun or pretty, She asked us hard questions and made us talk civilly to one another. During all this i got a kick in the stomach news that i needed to have a hysterectomy but we wanted one more kid… so we tried and tada!  Of course when you’re pregnant and trying to work through emotional things it’s bad. but it worked out fine, it took a long time, but we are finally on a good road.

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   Now i share all this not to humiliate my husband or myself but to say “look this is how bad it was… this is where we came from..but this is not where we are at anymore.”  I think Hollywood has made it seem ok to divorce your spouse as soon as you have a little hiccup in your marriage or if you just “don’t feel in love” it’s ok to leave that union. It’s not ok… i mean that’s why the vows say what they say. “Not to be taken lightly” “Speak now or forever hold your peace” “let no man break apart” I mean these vows are serious!

   I do say there are things that warrant a divorce and i’m not here to point a finger and say “shame on you”, nope, not what i’m doing. I’m hoping that someone out there that is thinking about getting married see this and goes “man well am i really ready for this?” or maybe someone out there is going through a really hard time and maybe they need to hear this too. So that’s why i write this out tonight.

Now here is what i have learned. Marriage is work. You can’t just keep living the life you have been doing… now it’s time for you to think of the other person more then yourself. Putting them as number one in this relationship (if you are a follower of Christ, He should always be number one and then your spouse, just saying) and trying to learn that person. What makes them happy, sad, mad? Read the 5 Love Languages Book that is out there…umm another one is Love and Respect… and Fall in Love Stay in Love. All three of these books helped our marriage when it was falling apart… but maybe they can help someone out there before that point.

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   Do not under any circumstance go into marriage thinking “oh that’s bad but i’m sure over time i can change that person”. NO! I’m sorry but all you will do is hurt yourself, that person, and the relationship will probably crumble. In a marriage you can only work and change YOU! that’s it… no one else. That whole free will thing… yeah that is totally there.

  Get into a support group of some kind. I think having a healthy support group of people is a good key for marriage too. If you go to Church look for a sunday school class, we call it life group, or if you don’t go to church find a Church that offers classes open to the public. I know ours has many classes, recovery groups, and so on open for the public… they just want to make sure you get plugged in or get help if you need it.

  Lastly… counseling! Very good thing to do before and after getting married. Even if it’s just for a Marriage Checkup. It gets that third person in there to help mediate and ask questions you may not have thought about. Look for a councilor that helps you but is not pushy, or lets one person walk all over the issue. Also be careful of those councilors that try to run your marriage for you. They are to give advice and steer both of you onto a more healthy path… not tell you how to live every day.

Again i hope this helps someone. I’m not an expert at all… i’m not a councilor..I’m just a woman that’s been there and done that and wants to share so it might help someone else out there.

Frog

Depression….

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  Depression…. man, i can go weeks even months feeling “normal” and then BAM! I’m feeling like the world hates me and no one really wants to hang out with me…. again. I’ve been asked by Doctor’s and now some Counselors when i think it all began. Thinking on it at first i thought “well i’ve always had it”…then they made me just stop a moment and think…hmmm yeah no i think it was around the time of 3rd grade a lot of things happened during that year and after. Things that scarred me for life and things that just should’ve never happened. Though sometimes i wonder about 1st grade… to be honest i can remember kindergarten but first grade the only memory i have is of me crying in my mom’s arms saying “don’t leave me she’s so mean!” outside the classroom. So yeah i wonder. But then it could be i’m nearing 30 and just my brain going. ….Like now and me rambling about this instead of the topic.

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     You know there is a difference between sadness and depression. Depression is a sadness so deep and consuming that you can’t think or breathe without wanting to just end it..give up…throw in that towel.  I’ve learned to shake it out of my head though. Going for walks, exercising, praying, reading and occupying my mind. Oh there are weeks where it grips me so hard i can’t shake it and normally those are the weeks that i close myself off from people more so then normal. There are different types of Depression too… most common is Seasonal (happens mainly during winter as things are dead and gray for so long it just effects certain people more so), then for ladies there is a depression that can take hold of us right before and during that horrible week for us.  Then there is also a bunch of others out there as well… i highly recommend looking them up and seeing if maybe you fit one or more. Sometimes Doctors are quick to say it’s one type when it could be more.

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  It’s hard when you’re depressed and all you want to do is have fun or spend time with your kids and all you can do is think about is bad things. Then you think about all the things you’ve missed out on and again those feelings of failure and shame come up and it just makes it all the more difficult to crawl out of this horrible feeling.

   Recently i got a whole lot of numbers from some awesome women that encouraged me to text or call when i felt this way… oh but man is it hard to pick up that phone and text those words to someone… “yeah hi i’m texting to tell you i can’t do this and i need someone to talk to because i’m a failure”. Oh i know that’s not the truth…but that is what my mind whispers to me and i just don’t want to feel that on top of my already messed up feelings so i just trying to do it myself. Which is bad… very bad! The more we try to do it ourselves the more we push the world and God out of our lives and say “i have to do it myself! No one can help me!” It puts strain on friendships and other relationships all together. I have now slowly started to just be real with my spouse… “Hunnie, I’m just feeling really down today”…you can’t believe how much of a break through that is for me!

     I’m going to be real right here and right now….I have tried to hurt myself multiply times… one time i almost succeeded. And i want to say…if you are in that area… if you are hurting yourself, let me tell you something that i didn’t hear often enough…

Don’t do that anymore…you matter so much! I know you feel alone and lost and like there is no light at the end of the tunnel anymore…but listen to those of us that have been there and done that…you matter! You are loved! You are special and beautiful! There is only one you and the world would be a horrible place with out you! Hang on to someone…message me…seek council and help… oh there are just so many of out there that have been right there and we will reach out to you! 

  Depression is not a laughing matter, it’s something real…and dangerous… and horrible to deal with. Give someone a hug or just a couple of those words i wrote up there ….we could all benefit from those words being said to us on a daily basis.

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  These are just some of my thoughts on this matter… and some of what has gone on in my life. I hope to go back and touch more on these topics again as i get more comfortable writing and letting people know my thoughts.

Frog

Just…Kids!

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   You know i love my kids. I really do! But on days like today all i want to do is escape! I want to run away and be free to have fun or clean to my heart’s content without it being ruined 5 seconds later! I’m not sure if it matters what gender they are…but yeah i have 3 boys. They are awesome! Some days i wish i had a daughter so i wasn’t so outnumbered but i think God knew what he was doing when he gave me nothing but boys. I was a tomboy growing up and only now am i starting to get “girly” but i will still look up a cool new bug, read stories about sharks and dinosaurs, and play with Legos.

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    If you didn’t know this then beware… there is NO PAIN LIKE STEPPING ON A LEGO PAIN! No i’m dead serious here… those things are evil! There is a comedian that does a shtick about them…look up Tim Hawkins and Legos. Hilarious! … and unfortunately TRUE! Now see my boys get Legos every year for birthday and Christmas, this past weekend i packed up every last Lego i could find and put it in and box and taped it shut… i told them that that box is now set for moving and they could not open it. Funny but i was cleaning today and found another handful of LEGOS! They are everywhere! My kids think it’s funny and that i’m a horrible parent for packing their Legos up. I think i’m super smart as this is the first time we are moving and have to sell a place first and i just can’t keep up with them and get this place in shape…so every toy but 3 for the older ones and a handful of toddler toys were packed up and set aside. YAY! Less cleaning! HA! Walked into the living room this evening and the toddler had destroyed all my work and the older ones just sat there and watched!

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     I love my kids… i can’t say that enough! But i seriously wonder if they sit down and plot how they are going to drive me crazy! I have my oldest “J” who is nearing those “teen years”, I have “E” who is just a couple years behind “J” and has anger issues (my own fault), and then we have “M” who is the toddler….and lets just say the other two were a breeze compared to him! Don’t let the cuteness fool you! He has a destruction rate of an EF5 Tornado and a mean streak like that of a Rattler! But i wouldn’t trade him or his brothers for anything. They brighten my life and make me think outside the box. They make me stay spontaneous and remember to have fun with people, because i have a bad mindset of people i would rather sit down with a book and read for hours on end, they remind me to not sit there but go!

    But sometimes i wonder if i’m doing this parenting thing right. All these new rules about “oh you can’t discipline your child that way!” or “why would you let your child do that?” just make you feel like a failure 100% of the time! There is just no real winning! I don’t give my kids a lot of chores… i don’t even really give them daily chores. I usually end up saying on some random day “hey can you go clean your room please?” which 2 hours later turns into “i asked you to clean your room nicely now get in there and clean!” I’m trying to work on this as i want my kids to know that there are things they must do on their own, no one is going to hand them anything. But then i want them to know that they can ask for help and receive it …at least from me.

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     Finding that healthy balance is hard! Right now i’m reading some books that are helping me and they are all by the same person…First one was Made to Crave, second was Unglued, and Third (which i have ordered but have read the first chapter and it’s awesome!) is the book called The Best Yes… all these books are written by Lysa TerKeurst. She is an amazing writing..mainly because she is real. She is a Christian writer…. but i have heard from non Christians that they even like them. So i highly recommend checking them out. (i wasn’t paid to say that either!) Parenting is hard and i’m just glad i found something that clicks with me and seems to be helping me find that healthy balance.

    So if you have ever sa there and wondered “wow this kids are driving me crazy!” don’t worry you’re not alone! Our kids are Blessings….but they sure can toe that line!

  I hope this helps someone!

Frog