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   So i can’t sleep tonight, it’s after midnight and i’m up working on making a necklace. I thought it a good thing at the time, and it was. But my mind is dancing all over with thoughts of other things and not even really on the necklace. Like “oh my goodness, did i mess up my leg? I really don’t have money to waste on an x-ray if it’s not broke really.” Then there are the thoughts about finally finding work but not having started yet and i know i just need to wait a bit longer but I’m one of those that wants to jump in and do it right away and if i can’t do it then i give up. I’m trying desperately to break that cycle.

    Also thinking about my plan for my jewelry stuff. Going to try and sell off as much as possible between the two vendor sales and then from there either gift items or try and sell them online or something. Then i switch over to my weight…. oh my! I am so angry at myself about this! I lost so much weight for a year and now it’s all back and then some! I’m like seriously sitting here crying about it. 😦  I don’t have good thoughts about myself…. and every time i try to change it with exercise or my eating habits i sabotage myself into failure.

   Then I see a verse of the day and it’s from Psalm 119 I’ve started to take the verse of the day and use it as a hook for myself to go read a part of the Bible i haven’t read before, and this is one of the ones i haven’t read before. It’s crazy long so i’m not going to post it here. It has 25 stanzas and each one has a “letter” of the Hebrew Alphabet as it’s header.  It’s pretty neat! But i sat there starting to read this i started thinking “this is me…. some thousand years ago a person wrote this and felt like i do”

     The meltdown of it is this…. We need to follow the commands that God placed into the Bible for us to read and follow. Even when bad things are happening to us…. even when we ourselves are a stumbling block we need to follow those commands/commandments. They are not just a suggestion. And there is more to them then just the “honor your mother and father”…. There’s more to it than just “Do not commit murder.” ..We need to research it and find out how God sees these commands and how HE wants us to follow through with them.

    THis is where i think convictions play a role too. Each person has their own convictions. I myself know that i can not drink alcohol really at all….I can not watch a lot of R rated movies with sex in them… I can not watch or hear about things that have realistic witchcraft or supernatural things in them (i can only watch the first 3 Harry Potter  movies…after that it’s a no go) .   See these are just a few of mine…. but i know that my friends and the people i see around me have different ones then me. They are going to follow some of these commands just a bit differently than me. And that’s ok…. in the end what matters is if we are following God’s will for ourselves.

Anyways….just my thoughts on this and that….

Frog

The World…

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    So I’m super excited to be looking into going back into the work world. I think this is what i was trying to do when i started my Jewelry business….  Don’t get me wrong I’ve really enjoyed it a lot!!  But the past few days i’ve sat down, did the numbers, the pros and cons, and so on. And i’ve come to the decision to wave the white flag. I’ll still have my Facebook page up and do orders if someone wants something but I’m no longer going to go to Vendor events or keep stock on hand. It’s been over a year…. it’s time.

   I’ve also told myself that i’m getting rid of my scale…well put it away anyways… i’m no longer going to look at it! It’s just depressing me. Instead i’m going to work out at least 5 days a week, go walking every day, and work on my eating habits….Also going to look into finding a Dance studio closer to us if possible so Hubbie and i can go back to dancing! I love it!  And i think that’s part of it… I need to work on doing things i enjoy…but also not let them rule me….like sitting around with a book…it’s good but not to do it all the time and never get moving.

  I read an interesting passage this evening that kinda going along with the many things i’ve been thinking about lately. I’ll share it….

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 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.”  -James 4:1-3

    It’s a pretty intense passage. I don’t think I have fought or quarreled about the things I’ve wanted…. or have i?  I had to sit back and think about that and then I realized i had! I fought with my husband, I’ve thought mean thoughts about others, and i’ve had arguements with my own self over this whole business thing!  It’s the same for the next part too… it may say Kill….and it probably did mean that but for me it’s not literal…. it’s metaphorical…it goes to my thoughts and anger. Don’t forget that it says in the Bible that  “‘You must not murder. If you commit murder, you are subject to judgment.’[c] 22 But I say, if you are even angry with someone,[d] you are subject to judgment!” – Matthew 5:21-22. 

   As i sat and thought about what to do i realized with this decision to start my own business i never did the most important thing…I never asked God about it…not seriously anyways. See God loves giving us our hearts desires…but we must do it in His timing and ask for His help.  I didn’t do that! So i guess i doomed it myself.  Because it says that we need to have the right motives at heart as well when we ask… again i don’t think i did. I just wanted it for myself and for my earthly wants.

    I have to say that in looking for a job now that i have a lot of peace about it… sure i’m nervous and excited but i also feel peace. I do want it so that i can get out and away every now and then…. but i also want it to help out teachers, to help out my family, and to teach. I have still done a lot of work in looking at other places… but everything keeps leading back to a “yes” so far with subbing at the schools.

     So for now i’m happy with this path I’m on… never know God might send me on a different one yet but It’s been interesting where He’s heading me right now. It’s always fun and interesting when i find a verse that makes me think and helps me make decisions!

Anyways….. just my thoughts for today!

Frog

Back! and Progress….

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       It’s been awhile… but it was a good break! On this break I focused on a lot of issues that i have been struggling with. Mainly my Depression, Self Worth, and Driving Anxiety. But i also started to work on an addiction that i just recently found out i had. Well i had an idea that i probably had it but had no idea how to work on it as there was no real group or anything for it. Well I finally told my counselor about it and she gave me a book and from that book i learned there was a workbook for it, I ordered it and i have been working through it with my counselor and let’s just say that when you try to get rid of one addiction another seems to come to the front of the line!

      One of these days I’ll be comfortable saying what my addiction is but for now just know it’s a struggle, and it’s not fun at all.

    But enough of that!! Let’s talk of good things… Like for the first time in 3 years i finally drove from my home to a location that is 20 minutes away (i drive kinda slow) and back with no other adult in the vehicle with me!!! I”m just totally stoked that I did it finally! I learned that i seem to have a slight (and i mean slight) case of PTSD or so the Doctor says so about driving. When he first told me i was like, “but i’m not in the army, i haven’t had anything major happen to me! Sure i had a muscle spasm and little accident right on top of each other but could that really trigger PTSD?”  He told me yes, specially in someone who is already struggling mentally with a lot of other things. And i was. So new meds and finally pushing myself off that imaginary ledge of “can i do this?” and I did it!!

       Now it truly is exciting that i did this but to my mind… i didn’t. That imaginary ledge also had another name, “Am I Going To Trust God?” That ledge…that question…that was scary! It tied into my Self Worth issues. I didn’t think God thought i was important. I didn’t think I mattered. I didn’t think I was the treasure, princess, or child that God wanted in His Kingdom. I mean if I had all this insecurity of “does my husband want me?”, “my kids don’t want me”, “No one wants to be my friend really,” how could God want me? I sunk myself into the Bible and really started to read it. Then we had a sermon about “are you a Fan or Follower of Jesus?” I really looked at the difference between the two, and saw where i had been. You can say you are a follower all you want but if you are not living it then all you are is talk and no action. You’re a Fan and Not a Follower!

       I started to let down my guard around God and started going to Him for everything, I started putting myself out there more….I started trying to make friends again, I started putting effort into my physical appearance, I started to reach out to help or do projects i normally wouldn’t think to do. It has been wonderful! I still struggle though, I still think of myself in a negative light some mornings, so I open my Bible and it now automatically opens to the book of James…The whole Book to me talks of being a Fan or Follower…how we should be acting and so on and to me it’s just a comforting Book to Read.

And so with that my verse for today comes from there….

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 Dear brothers and sisters,when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.  For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.  So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.” James 1:2-4

The first verse can be a hard one to read…he doesn’t say “only these kind of troubles” nope… he says ANY KIND! We have a bad day? We should see this as an opportunity for joy! Now there are some things that should be grieved and processed before getting to the Joy…but I think we should look for that Joy in all things! Like my experience for example…when i’ve gone to recovery groups or to counseling they didn’t automatically say “well you should be seeing the joy in this right now!” No…they worked me through the stages of grief, anger, and so on and now finally I’m seeing the Joy and the good that has come out of these situations. And i think THIS is what they meant, they didn’t say BE Joyful…no they said “Consider It An Opportunity!” Meaning it will be coming, just not right away. SO I think we can be able to see the Joy in somethings right away even though they seem bad and sometimes it might take some healing first before we can finally feel that Joy.

 In the second verse it talks about our Faith being tested. It has taken me a long time to know that it is NOT God that is testing me! God is not tempted, He will NOT tempt you! I finally know who is tempting me…Satan. He wants us to fail, He wants us to fall on our faces…and I’ve done so, many times! The thing is, I think we can do the second part “..endurance has a chance to grow” when we pick ourselves up, call it what it was (Satan or our own Human selfishness) and work hard to not only to get back on the right path but to make sure we are not tripped up like that again. Some times we need help with this. We need a friendly person to come along side us to remind us to be watchful and to put God first and not our human nature.

Third verse reminds us to let it grow, we shouldn’t ever stop trying to better ourselves, our Faith, and our knowledge of God’s word. It says that if we are fully developed then we’re perfect and needing nothing. My thoughts on this is if we are perfect then we are no longer on this earth. So from this I get the idea of while we are living we need to be constantly watchful, constantly learning, constantly growing in our Faith. By this i mean we seek God in the morning, at lunch, and before bed…. and all those times in between. Making sure to read the Bible at some point in the day, and to reach out to others that are around us. I can be just as bad as anyone else with this. Lives get busy, children’s needs need to be met, there’s work, there’s that evil Facebook with all it’s cool games and people with pictures on it. Haha!!

What i get from all this is that we all struggle, it’s what we do with those struggles that mean the most. No one is perfect! Christians’ are NOT perfect…I personally know that i am broken…and because i know that i know i need God and because i need Him I know that i need to work on me every day.

        I hope you enjoyed reading this, hope it may have helped someone or at least got you thinking.

Frog

My Favorite Verse…

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     Today I’m taking a break from blogging devotional verses. Think i might take a break tomorrow too. I am going to share with you my favorite verse that i go to when i’m having an anxiety attack or just feeling very afraid.  It means so much to me that i painted it onto my nightstand. It’s in the garage now but as soon as i figure out where i want it it’s coming back inside. Here’s a Photo of it.

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 May not be the most awesome design in the world, but it works for me. 🙂

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Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
    Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
    I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

    “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.”  To me this is yet another reminder from a different author that we are not to be afraid. No if ands or buts. We are NOT to be afraid. I remember someone once telling me that God did not give us a spirit of fear…He gave us a spirit of joy and PEACE. When i read that first part it just hammers in that fact more so. 🙂

      But it does tell us why we are not to be afraid. Because He is with us. How sweet is that? But i also see it as i AM with you…. sternly reminding us that now matter what he’s not leaving us.

    “Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.” So for discouraged i see that as frustrated or annoyed. We shouldn’t be frustrated or annoyed with whatever we might be facing in our lives….but the next part is a bit of a twist i think. “for I am your God” Well for me this reminds me that it’ll be easier to NOT be afraid or discouraged, frustrated, or annoyed when we call God OUR God…as in we’ve asked Him into our lives not just as a guest but as the master at the wheel.  We need to remember this part.  People are so quick to use God like a genie and grant their wishes. I’m just as guilty about this. It’s so easy to just say “God help me with this…” and then move on and do things just like we did before. Not so good. 😦

      “I will strengthen you and help you.” If we have Him as our God then we can count on Him to give us the strength…but also Peace, Joy, Love, Wisdom, and so on to deal with anything that we might have going on in our lives. He will help us, He’s going to be there to help us emotionally, spiritually, and possibly even physically if the need is there. It’s not going to come in the form of what we think it should be though, so i think that though it says He’s going to be there and do these things we need to also have our minds and hearts open to that help.

         “ I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”  If He is going to hold us up with His right hand then boy we don’t have anything to worry about at all! Think of it this way if your favorite hero comes and tells you that they are going to protect you with their right hand then you’d know that you’re all set right? I mean God is saying the same thing right here. “victorious”  Yes He’s won so many battles…. just look in exodus and such about the Israelites and getting to the promise land. He helped them so much! He even cleared the way for them in many areas. Everywhere in the Bible it talks of His victories… so we have proof and evidence that if He says that He’s going to hold us up and help us then He’s going to do it and He’s going to WIN! Just remember that it’s HIS will we need to be following…not ours.

Well there you go. My favorite verse. 🙂 Hope you enjoyed it! These are just my thoughts and ramblings..I’m no professional!

Frog

Paralyzed By Fear..

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    Have you ever been paralyzed with fear? I have been..  Many times as a child, as a young adult, and then later on as a mother.  There are so many things that can paralyze us from going forward… as i have gotten older they seem to get worse and actually stick with me. When i was a kid things like this would stop me in the moment but then the next thing you knew i’d be running around again like nothing happened. I guess because i never really sat down and processed them that it’s catching up to me now.

       What are some of the things that can bring us fear?  For myself I listed mine down and I’ll share them with you.

     My Fears

  • the fear of never truly being loved by my husband
  • Never being seen as beautiful by anyone
  • Never being seen as important
  • never being able to driver long distance again
  • that i will never be able to trust my husband to help me no matter what
  • That God truly does not see me as Important.

 

It’s a pretty intense list… at least to me it is. Specially that last one! Here i am…a Christian, I see myself as a daughter of God and I try to follow His commands. But i still don’t feel like He sees me as Important. I know that until i work through this one none of those others will budge. I know that until I get right with God my every day life is going to be a struggle. Because you can’t say that you follow God and still try to do everything on your own. It just turns into a mess that way.

Today’s verse is about God’s promise to be with us….and more. Let’s go….

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“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
    I have called you by name; you are mine.
When you go through deep waters,
    I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
    you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
    you will not be burned up;
    the flames will not consume you.” Isaiah 43:1b-2 NLT

It’s a bit long but I think all of it is important.

“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you…”  Whenever I see the words “Do not” in the BIble i see the not in all caps. So in the first part the author is telling us to NOT be afraid. Easier said than done right? Then it goes on to say “for i have ransomed you”. Well who ransomed us? You have to look a little bit further back to the beginning of verse 1 to know that this is the Lord speaking. So the Lord is saying HE has ransomed us…. Ok so ransom means that someone gives money or something else of value to get that person or thing back from someone bad. To me this means God has given someone bad (probably Satan) something of great value to make sure HE got us back. 

“…I have called you by name; you are mine.”  To me that first part means that He has called us out, He knows us, not just knows about us…but He knows us personally and intimately. And that last part…”YOU ARE MINE!!” Said with authority, and probably with love as well. There is no doubt what He is wanting to say here.  

When you go through deep waters,  I will be with you.”  I think this means that we don’t have to worry about having too many demands and pressures of the world. Because He will be with us holding us up. 

When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown.”  To mean this means even when things get rough and overwhelming to us He’ll be there again holding us up and making sure to take on the load Himself as well.

When you walk through the fire of oppression,  you will not be burned up…”  Again He’s saying that no matter how much is weighing you down or trying to consume you it will not effect you because He won’t let it. Don’t you you love how when He wants to make sure you get the point He’ll have the author write them down in threes? All three of those lines are saying the same thing but a little different each time to make sure we are paying attention and knowing that HE will be there for us no matter what!

the flames will not consume you.”  Sums it all up right here. Nothing can consume us….no flames…nor worries… nor fears will touch us as long as we are with HIM each day in prayer, trust, reading the Bible, and even our actions. 

This verse is hard for me… I’ll admit it. It’s hard giving up and letting go of the edge of the pool and swim out knowing someone will be there to grab us and help us if we need it. We want to know, we want to control, and we want a certainty….We can’t have that certainty until we let go of those first two i think and I think i’m going to be working on those from now on.

I hope you enjoyed reading this!

Frog

The Start of Fears…

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   Now this isn’t a post about how Fears starts…nope! This is a post about how i received a cool devotional in the mail yesterday that i had forgotten about. It’s a 30 Day Devotional about FEARS! Woohoo! I mean seriously…this is totally for me! It still amazes me that I went from being a woman with no fears about driving, loving it to pieces really, to a woman that can’t drive past her son’s school about 2 miles away without flipping out. It’s a constant heartache and headache for myself and my family.

So this and some other fears spurred me to buy/donate to get this devotional that i saw on the Proverbs 31 Ministeries’ website. After i wrote yesterday’s post, I knew i wanted to keep going forward but i was floundering for what to write about. Nothing seemed to jump out at me or say “write about me” when i read things. I felt like i was forcing it.

Anyways…then the devotional came and i got hit in the head with an idea of taking the main verse for the devotionals and writing or breaking them down so i could better understand them. 🙂  So that is what I am going to do for the next month or so.  Enjoy!

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I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. 13 For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.” Phillipians 4:12-13

Let’s see…

I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything…”  To me the word “live” is said with an exclamation mark. “I know how to LIVE!” It’s like the author is saying he has found the secret to life… how to make it wonderful no matter what. So you already get a glimpse of what this verse is all about. Then it talk about “on almost nothing”, so this is talking about not having anything, being poor or destitute. To me i think this is telling us that the author understands these problems and is telling us “save it, I’ve been there and experienced that…you can’t tell me that i don’t understand, because i DO”. In other words…Leave your excuses at the door. Ha! 

But then he mentions “or with everything”. So is he trying to say that having everything is not all that it’s cracked up to be? Is he saying that we don’t know how to live when we don’t have to worry? I kinda think he means both of those. There’s that silly saying “More Money, More problems” and i think that fits here….I’ve never seen a truly happy rich person. Have you? If you have please tell me… i’d love to meet them and ask them questions. But i digress, we have two opposite ways of living and the author states he knows how to LIVE (probably meaning how to be thankful) in both of these situations.

I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little.”  Well here he is stating with authority that, yes he does know exactly what to do. But look closely, he doesn’t say he KNOWS, nope he says “i have LEARNED”. To me this means that there was probably a lot of trial and error… probably emphasize that error part. I love how he puts “the secret of living”. I think it’s his way of making us lean in and make sure we don’t miss this next part. 

For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.”   Well there you go. Right there in black and white is the secret to living. Take a look at the word “through” … he doesn’t say with…but THROUGH Christ. To me, I think this means that as long as we go to God first and don’t expect our way to be done that He will be there and help us. But only if we seek Him and petition HIM before each day. I think it also means we may not always like the answer either…He may tell us to wait or that awful “NO” word….But even if that is the case He’s still going to give us that peace to keep going. 

That last part just helps confirm that. “who gives me STRENGTH”…No matter what, an anxiety attack on the highway, or a lost spouse or child or friend, or a marriage falling a part, or an abusive situation, or just a bad day at work…. NO MATTER WHAT!! He will give us the strength to deal with, to get away from, or to grieve the loss. He’ll be right there shouldering our fears and our pain. He’ll be there even when things are going right..to enjoy and celebrate those as well.

I don’t know about you but reading that and understanding that makes me feel a hundred times better and all warm and gooey inside….like smores….mmmm.  God’s promises are like Smores. I think i might copyright that and slap it on a t-shirt to wear every day! LOL!

 

Hope you enjoyed this!

Frog

Broken But Not…

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    As I’ve stated in previous blog posts, my husband and I went through a really difficult time several years ago. We are finally working on it and seems to be working. But there was a time i was just BROKEN!! I cried for days…loudly, quietly…I did so while screaming into my pillow, I shamed him and myself with hateful words and bitter venom. All it did was tear us more a part. I was hurting and i didn’t know how to talk with him anymore.

Well one night as a last ditch effort we went to a group thing called ReEngage…It seemed ok and so we joined and started to work. Then during one of the group session parts they played this song by Casting Crowns called Broken Together. ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RhxELo-uD3c ) <this is the official music video for it>  I thought how true this is! The whole song is about being broken and chasing dreams and fairy tale endings but really in the end aren’t we just two broken people trying to make it work?

Then this last month i watched an online study about marriage by Andy Stanley called IMarriage.(you can find it on youtube too)  Wow was it an eye opener! What stayed with me the most was when he said something about how if a desire of our heart is causing us pain and anxiety we need to go to the Lord and say to HIM..”Lord, this desire is important to me. It’s causing me so much pain. I’m giving it to you.” He states at one point that God wants to grant us the desires of our hearts but we need to bring them to him daily and wait on HIS time.

The reason i bring these two things up is because i realized i had desires, I would hint at them or turn them into expectations for my husband to fill up and do.. see the problem? I was bringing them to the wrong person! This led to a lot of brokenness. I still  today have these desires and still feel broken in this area….but it’s different now…i KNOW who to bring it to this time, and it’s the one person who truly knows and understands brokenness!

And with that it brings us to our verse which is about Brokenness. 🙂 see what i did there? LOL!

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   The verse i have today is Galations 2:20 NLT version:

“My old self has been crucified with Christ.[a] It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

Let me start with that first sentence. “My old self has been crucified with Christ…” To me that word crucified really sticks out. To truly understand this word i went back to Luke 22-23 and John 18-19 to read about Jesus’ Crucifixion. If you’re not familiar with those chapters, read over them..it’s very enlightening. SO through that reading i learned how painful that way of dying is. When i hear that my old self or “old way of life” has been “crucified” with Christ…it just tells me that the transition is not going to be fun and games. People might yell at you, make fun of you, bosses may give you a hard time, loved ones may shun you….but this is WITH Christ. He’s done it already…he was ridiculed, beaten, broken, and most of all…loved ones turned their backs on HIM. No one but Jesus could understand the pain we may go through!

“…It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me..” Again I’m drawn to certain words, “no longer I who live” ….wow. Now i don’t think this means who we are dies….no no. We’ll still have those heart desires, we’ll still feel the draw of our passions like music, drawing, numbers, computers…no what i think they are talking about here is all the bad stuff. Our sins of our past, the overwhelming desire to do wrong, the way we used to look at the world or just people that were around us. Once all of that is gone then Christ (Holy Spirit) can come in and be there with us always. Whispering to us when making decisions, lifting us up when we feel like falling, but most of all being there so that we are NEVER truly alone! That makes me feel so much better knowing that I’ll never truly be alone again!

So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God” This here i feel like it is summed up in the last part… trusting in the Son of God….By trusting in Him i will be able to go through life a lot better.

And lastly… “..who loved me and gave himself for me.”  I believe this goes into the common verse of “He loved us so much He gave His one and only Son to die for us.” Not only did God love us so much but Jesus HIMSELF loved us sooooo much that He went through that painful process physically, emotionally, and mentally for US. I mean…who else would do that for me? We say things like “I’d die for you” but do we mean it? Most of the time…NO.

      So in a nut shell… because Christ was crucified I can know that i will have help to live this earthly life until the day He calls me home. Now I know you all are probably wondering what this has to do with my brokenness and marriage i had talked about in the beginning of this. But don’t you see…. if i had had this verse when i was broken and crying, i would’ve know that i wasn’t alone… that Christ knows what my pain feels like and wants to comfort me? Oh how this would’ve saved me so many nights of pain. Oh how this will help me in the future to know that these heart desires are just as important to God as they are to me and that He will be with me through the pain and hurt until the time they may be answered.  Just gotta also remember that my answer may not be 100% what i WANT it to be.

Frog

Hopelessness…

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   Today i’m sitting on my bed crying as i type this….it seems to be my constant state of being. I have no idea if what i type helps others, but i do know it helps me. Today i need the help of releasing all these words to here so that hopefully i can process them or just move on.

   I’m so heartbroken about who i am, what i’m doing with my life, and how my marriage is going. And because i’m going to talk about my marriage i’m not going to share it to the normal feeds like i do.

   I see myself as always being this majorly messed up person with eye issues, anxiety issues, being sad, and having a bit of a temper. It’s never going to get better. Though I am now going to counseling, i just don’t see how it’s going to change anything.

   See put of my issues comes from things in my past but they also come from here and now. I feel unwanted, unloved, and like I’m just here to watch the kids and clean house. It seems to be the roller coaster ride of my marriage. I tried talking to H last night…tried telling him how I’m feeling like we’re just two roommates and theres nothing else really there. H then says “well, i got my rent money”.  I guess he meant it as a joke but to me it’s a slap in the face… nothing is truly mine as he pays for everything, I have my van in my name but it’s breaking down…which means a loan probably and that means it’ll be under his name. It also hurts as when he stepped out on our marriage he came home one night and when i told him to get out he said very plainly “i don’t have to it’s my home, i pay for it”….at that point i just crumbled inside…like seriously i had been screaming, but as soon as he said that i got quiet, and i just said “yes, it’s all yours” and i began to pack my bags with the few things i could claim.  Now apparently i didn’t leave leave…as i’m still here, but it was very close.

    Days like today i wish i had…but yet i don’t. I mean I love my Husband… it’s there in the deep parts of my heart, I love him, but the pain and loneliness i feel just makes me wish i had. Though i know if i had finding another spouse wouldn’t fix it… i’m not going to magically find that perfect someone and we’ll live happily ever after. There is no perfect….and there is no happily ever after. If you’re reading this and you’re single and you think like this…. sorry but wake up and smell the sewers…there ain’t no roses. If you think “oh she’s just saying that because her marriage is messed up” Think again! I can point to members of my family, some friends, and even some neighbors…they are either in a marriage like mine or have married many times trying to find “perfect”…they’ll tell you the same thing i just did. It ain’t real!

      This is another part that bugs me… H will believe or at least acknowledge a professional or things said by other people more readily than anything i suggest or say. It has gotten to the point at times where i will give an idea and then say it was “so and so”‘s idea and he’ll go with it right away and love it and yayness happens. I know lying is bad and a sin and i’ll probably get my butt kicked when i get to Heaven for it all…but i just want my opinion to matter, to matter to my husband…you know the person that is supposed to be MY partner? So H had been out of town… he comes back and i have a cold sore (i get them often in winter when everyone is sick and have so since i was a child). Now cold sore are this annoying thing, they are a form of herpes it’s one that is so common most people have it and don’t know or are like me and know and try their best to not spread them.

    So here i am making sure no one drinks from my glass, make sure not to kiss my kids (as a mom it’s almost automatic to kiss their cheek ), or kiss my husband.  Well while it was healing i bit my lip, same area and really hard too, to the point it was bleeding. Well..it all finally heals except the bite area and since it’s in the same location it looks like i still have a cold sore. H will not believe that i don’t have it anymore and i think he thinks i’m purposely trying to “infect him”. Ok this is what makes me so mad… seriously if you have cold sores the virus that causes them is in your system ALL THE TIME, seriously! the only reason they show up is because if you are stressed, sick, or some other issue …it’s going to lower your immune system to where the sores can then form. We always have the virus though…though true you can’t spread it unless you have a sore visible! Now my cold sore has been healed for over a week now…even the bite area is healed but just my luck it’s left a scar…a permanent red area on my lip where it had been. H now still refuses to kiss me. I seriously feel like a Leper that is diseased and gross and disgusting. Totally not helping with my depression or the feeling of not being wanted in this marriage.

    This wednesday i go back into the counselor and i want to just walk in, sit down, and say “i can’t do this anymore.” I want a husband that thinks i’m pretty and says it… even says it when it’s not true…I want a husband that shows some kind of emotion that says i matter to him. I even gave him a challenge to tell me “You’re Pretty” each day just once… i didn’t care if he meant it but i need to hear those words for the one person who matters. Not from guys in the store saying that and then asking if i’m married.   I don’t want to keep living this way. We’re finally listing our house… we’re finally moving and all of a sudden it just all doesn’t matter to me. Heck even the kids don’t matter….. i mean i love them but yet all i want is for them to go away. They just seem to remind me that all i’m good for is sex and making babies and that’s it…. I’m not worthy of love or being cherished or anything.

And i guess that is why this is labeled Hopelessness….. I have no hope anymore.

Frog

Dreams…

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   You ever have a dream that scares you so bad you should wake up, but instead you keep having that dream until someone comes in and does something to the room around you?

   I have these every now and then and they terrify me! I’m always scared that i’ll get stuck in that dream and no one will come in and change something in the room (like turn on or off a light, or move something around, or just move around the room) and I’ll never wake up from it. Kinda like when River Song is stuck in the Tardis doing something over and over again..think it’s the Pandorica Episode. (oh yeah i just totally made a Dr. Who reference…it’s an ok show..there are many things i don’t like about it but that’s a different blog post!)

   But seriously! Dreams are scary. Nightmares are worse. Night Terrors are like a whole other level of freaking out.

Why can’t i have a normal dream scene? Why do my dreams have to be totally out there and make me wonder if i’m crazy? I remember all my nightmares too. I can sit here and one word will bring up a nightmare that goes along with it. Death…creepy dude in alley trying to kill me, Aliens…they are taking over my home town, Child…..severed head guy… i mean the list goes on and on…. But i can’t remember the good dreams. The ones that make you smile when you wake up…the ones that make you want to turn over and go back to sleep and just enjoy it a bit more. Nope can’t remember those! d

   I don’t know why my mind will only remember the bad dreams…I also don’t know why it lets me have Night Terrors once in a blue moon. Don’t know what Night terrors are? They are where you wake up from a Nightmare and believe you are still in that dream when you are not. This is a truly scary thing! Seriously.. Being trapped in a dream is one thing but to wake up and still feel trapped it’s like your mind is being ripped in two!  You can feel it struggle to understand what’s really going on and all you want to do is hold on to your head and scream but you’re stuck watching things around you trying to make to dream end or move forward.

If you have these problems… i’m so sorry! I feel your pain…i do! I’ve been there… i’ll be there again soon..possibly even tonight you just never know with this stuff!

You’re not alone if you struggle with this. The biggest help is to find someone you can just talk to about it and have them listen. I have learned that as soon as i wake up if i just tell my husband or later in the day call my mom and tell them the dream it doesn’t hold on to me quite as strongly and i’m able to go on about my day a lot better!  Make sure it’s someone safe though someone that’s not going to gossip or call you crazy every time. That’s not going to help! And don’t call yourself crazy (preaching to the choir here) that’s just going to tear you down more.

I hope this helps someone out there….

Thanks for reading!

Frog

Happiness….

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   So today, on Facebook, Dave Ramsey’s page posted an article that i read and it sounded good… and then as i kept reading i just had this feeling of “wait, what? that ain’t right!”  (here is the article http://christywright.com/2015/06/5463/?ectid=fb.dr.nf )

   Ok so it starts out about this slogan a company had… about how you don’t flirt when he looks good…but when you do.

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First off if you’re married you are to be only flirting with your spouse and she kinda makes it seem like it’s ok to just flirt with anyone. That makes me mad! If you flirt with a married person it is in NO WAY INNOCENT!!!!!! You hurt many people when you do that! You get the guy thinking about something else…. you tempt him! Of course you’ll be saying “well if he really loves her it won’t matter”…. ok if you dangle a steak in front of an animal long enough they are going to go for it. DUH! You hurt that wife… she starts to think about how unworthy of love she must be, how she must be ugly, how she must of messed up, and on and on it goes… the reverse can be said about men too…they worry about these same things! If there are kids involved they wonder too about how they must not have been good enough or done things right. NEVER FLIRT WITH A MARRIED PERSON!!!!  If a married person hits on you…shame on them and you tell them they are sick and go your way.(sorry pet peeve…stepping down from my soapbox)

  Then as you go on back to the article you read more about how you don’t do such and such if another person feels a certain way but when YOU do. Well wow… so i guess i shouldn’t take care of my kids unless i feels good? but then she puts a little spin in there about how that and some other things are supposed to be our responsibilities and need to do them despite how we feel… but wait…she just said…. I started getting confused at this point.

And then she goes back into talking about how we need to take care of ourselves and that it shouldn’t be a luxury item but a sure thing.

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Oh yes we do need to take care of ourselves…but not to become happy… to to sit here and go “ok i’ll be happy if…” there is a lot of ways that can end badly. I grew up with that mind set…. things will make me happy no one else is going to make me happy… GOD doesn’t care if i’m happy…He’s an angry God…a Vengeful God….I can’t go to him for my happiness.

I’m finally learning that is not true… He is a Caring and Loving God… He is fair and just…yes things don’t make sense when they first happen sometimes but later on they will. There is that good and evil out there… we have FREE WILL granted to us…we can choose to be happy by things or be happy with moments and Faith.

Some of my happiest times are not with things but more with the memories i have with my kids… the little signs here and there that God IS there watching out for me….and with my spouse figuring things out together.

So i guess what i’m getting at is that sure yes we need to take car of ourselves like she said… but don’t make that you’re number one way to get your happiness as you’ll be really disappointed in the long run with that.

Anyways… just my thoughts on that….

Frog