So i’ve been trying to write another blog post and it just was NOT sounding right. So i saved the draft and let myself just relax and think. I realized i wanted my view heard, I wanted it to be recognized and acknowledged. That’s just not going to happen in the world we live in today. And that’s ok.

Today i read a devotional by Lysa Terkuerst about being that one that didn’t get invited. Wow…she said clearly how I have felt most of my life. BUt she went on and talked about how we can not let that define us. It’s not our identity….  And i realized that’s exactly what I have been doing. I’ve let it’s define me….I no longer see myself as “Monica, art lover, animal lover, caring person, and just a little zany” but I see myself as “monica, girl not invited, not cared about, in the way, and isn’t worth much.”

      This is such a painful way to see yourself. No worries, I’m working on not seeing myself in this light anymore. It’s a slow road. But it brings me to something that hit me today and that is: How we see ourselves often influences how we treat other people.

       Let that sink in for a moment. And here’s the verses I read that helped me see this.


“My dear brothers and sisters,[a] how can you claim to have faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ if you favor some people over others?

For example, suppose someone comes into your meeting[b] dressed in fancy clothes and expensive jewelry, and another comes in who is poor and dressed in dirty clothes. If you give special attention and a good seat to the rich person, but you say to the poor one, “You can stand over there, or else sit on the floor”—well, doesn’t this discrimination show that your judgments are guided by evil motives?

Listen to me, dear brothers and sisters. Hasn’t God chosen the poor in this world to be rich in faith? Aren’t they the ones who will inherit the Kingdom he promised to those who love him? But you dishonor the poor! Isn’t it the rich who oppress you and drag you into court? Aren’t they the ones who slander Jesus Christ, whose noble name[c] you bear?

Yes indeed, it is good when you obey the royal law as found in the Scriptures: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”[d] But if you favor some people over others, you are committing a sin. You are guilty of breaking the law.

10 For the person who keeps all of the laws except one is as guilty as a person who has broken all of God’s laws. 11 For the same God who said, “You must not commit adultery,” also said, “You must not murder.”[e] So if you murder someone but do not commit adultery, you have still broken the law.

12 So whatever you say or whatever you do, remember that you will be judged by the law that sets you free. 13 There will be no mercy for those who have not shown mercy to others. But if you have been merciful, God will be merciful when he judges you.” James 2:1-13


I know this is a lot so i’m just going to talk about how i feel about these verses and what i got from them.

To me this whole thing tells me that i can not put one person above another…in my home, in my work area, in public, in private…. and so on. I should not make ANYONE more important than another of my human companions. Yes we should show respect to our bosses and leaders (still working on this) but they are NOT more important than say my next door neighbor.This goes for that person that may not have invited you to an event. Just because they didn’t invite you don’t let that person become more important than others…including yourself.

The last part really struck me… if we do not show mercy then God is not going to show US mercy! To me i figured this means forgiveness as well. If i don’t forgive all the people that have hurt me then i’m not showing mercy…I’m letting all those feelings fester inside of me and God is going to judge me on that! That’s a scary thought!! I think this includes all those little times that i had a pang or fit of jealousy that i wasn’t included. We are not to envy…jealousy is in a sense just another name for Envy. So it is something i definitely need to work on!

So…in a sense…no matter who we are, how much money we have, how many friends we have or don’t have….we’re all the same…we’re all important to the same degree to God and we should treat each other the same way. If we let our jealousy/envy, or our hurts rule us than we’re not going to be able to do the main command from the Lord….. “Love One Another, As I have LOVED YOU!”

Anyways…. I know i didn’t touch on all of the verses in this one and i will later on I promise. 🙂 The Book of James is totally worth it.

Just what i’ve been thinking about and learned about.



Broken But Not…


    As I’ve stated in previous blog posts, my husband and I went through a really difficult time several years ago. We are finally working on it and seems to be working. But there was a time i was just BROKEN!! I cried for days…loudly, quietly…I did so while screaming into my pillow, I shamed him and myself with hateful words and bitter venom. All it did was tear us more a part. I was hurting and i didn’t know how to talk with him anymore.

Well one night as a last ditch effort we went to a group thing called ReEngage…It seemed ok and so we joined and started to work. Then during one of the group session parts they played this song by Casting Crowns called Broken Together. ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RhxELo-uD3c ) <this is the official music video for it>  I thought how true this is! The whole song is about being broken and chasing dreams and fairy tale endings but really in the end aren’t we just two broken people trying to make it work?

Then this last month i watched an online study about marriage by Andy Stanley called IMarriage.(you can find it on youtube too)  Wow was it an eye opener! What stayed with me the most was when he said something about how if a desire of our heart is causing us pain and anxiety we need to go to the Lord and say to HIM..”Lord, this desire is important to me. It’s causing me so much pain. I’m giving it to you.” He states at one point that God wants to grant us the desires of our hearts but we need to bring them to him daily and wait on HIS time.

The reason i bring these two things up is because i realized i had desires, I would hint at them or turn them into expectations for my husband to fill up and do.. see the problem? I was bringing them to the wrong person! This led to a lot of brokenness. I still  today have these desires and still feel broken in this area….but it’s different now…i KNOW who to bring it to this time, and it’s the one person who truly knows and understands brokenness!

And with that it brings us to our verse which is about Brokenness. 🙂 see what i did there? LOL!


   The verse i have today is Galations 2:20 NLT version:

“My old self has been crucified with Christ.[a] It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

Let me start with that first sentence. “My old self has been crucified with Christ…” To me that word crucified really sticks out. To truly understand this word i went back to Luke 22-23 and John 18-19 to read about Jesus’ Crucifixion. If you’re not familiar with those chapters, read over them..it’s very enlightening. SO through that reading i learned how painful that way of dying is. When i hear that my old self or “old way of life” has been “crucified” with Christ…it just tells me that the transition is not going to be fun and games. People might yell at you, make fun of you, bosses may give you a hard time, loved ones may shun you….but this is WITH Christ. He’s done it already…he was ridiculed, beaten, broken, and most of all…loved ones turned their backs on HIM. No one but Jesus could understand the pain we may go through!

“…It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me..” Again I’m drawn to certain words, “no longer I who live” ….wow. Now i don’t think this means who we are dies….no no. We’ll still have those heart desires, we’ll still feel the draw of our passions like music, drawing, numbers, computers…no what i think they are talking about here is all the bad stuff. Our sins of our past, the overwhelming desire to do wrong, the way we used to look at the world or just people that were around us. Once all of that is gone then Christ (Holy Spirit) can come in and be there with us always. Whispering to us when making decisions, lifting us up when we feel like falling, but most of all being there so that we are NEVER truly alone! That makes me feel so much better knowing that I’ll never truly be alone again!

So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God” This here i feel like it is summed up in the last part… trusting in the Son of God….By trusting in Him i will be able to go through life a lot better.

And lastly… “..who loved me and gave himself for me.”  I believe this goes into the common verse of “He loved us so much He gave His one and only Son to die for us.” Not only did God love us so much but Jesus HIMSELF loved us sooooo much that He went through that painful process physically, emotionally, and mentally for US. I mean…who else would do that for me? We say things like “I’d die for you” but do we mean it? Most of the time…NO.

      So in a nut shell… because Christ was crucified I can know that i will have help to live this earthly life until the day He calls me home. Now I know you all are probably wondering what this has to do with my brokenness and marriage i had talked about in the beginning of this. But don’t you see…. if i had had this verse when i was broken and crying, i would’ve know that i wasn’t alone… that Christ knows what my pain feels like and wants to comfort me? Oh how this would’ve saved me so many nights of pain. Oh how this will help me in the future to know that these heart desires are just as important to God as they are to me and that He will be with me through the pain and hurt until the time they may be answered.  Just gotta also remember that my answer may not be 100% what i WANT it to be.



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   Today i’m sitting on my bed crying as i type this….it seems to be my constant state of being. I have no idea if what i type helps others, but i do know it helps me. Today i need the help of releasing all these words to here so that hopefully i can process them or just move on.

   I’m so heartbroken about who i am, what i’m doing with my life, and how my marriage is going. And because i’m going to talk about my marriage i’m not going to share it to the normal feeds like i do.

   I see myself as always being this majorly messed up person with eye issues, anxiety issues, being sad, and having a bit of a temper. It’s never going to get better. Though I am now going to counseling, i just don’t see how it’s going to change anything.

   See put of my issues comes from things in my past but they also come from here and now. I feel unwanted, unloved, and like I’m just here to watch the kids and clean house. It seems to be the roller coaster ride of my marriage. I tried talking to H last night…tried telling him how I’m feeling like we’re just two roommates and theres nothing else really there. H then says “well, i got my rent money”.  I guess he meant it as a joke but to me it’s a slap in the face… nothing is truly mine as he pays for everything, I have my van in my name but it’s breaking down…which means a loan probably and that means it’ll be under his name. It also hurts as when he stepped out on our marriage he came home one night and when i told him to get out he said very plainly “i don’t have to it’s my home, i pay for it”….at that point i just crumbled inside…like seriously i had been screaming, but as soon as he said that i got quiet, and i just said “yes, it’s all yours” and i began to pack my bags with the few things i could claim.  Now apparently i didn’t leave leave…as i’m still here, but it was very close.

    Days like today i wish i had…but yet i don’t. I mean I love my Husband… it’s there in the deep parts of my heart, I love him, but the pain and loneliness i feel just makes me wish i had. Though i know if i had finding another spouse wouldn’t fix it… i’m not going to magically find that perfect someone and we’ll live happily ever after. There is no perfect….and there is no happily ever after. If you’re reading this and you’re single and you think like this…. sorry but wake up and smell the sewers…there ain’t no roses. If you think “oh she’s just saying that because her marriage is messed up” Think again! I can point to members of my family, some friends, and even some neighbors…they are either in a marriage like mine or have married many times trying to find “perfect”…they’ll tell you the same thing i just did. It ain’t real!

      This is another part that bugs me… H will believe or at least acknowledge a professional or things said by other people more readily than anything i suggest or say. It has gotten to the point at times where i will give an idea and then say it was “so and so”‘s idea and he’ll go with it right away and love it and yayness happens. I know lying is bad and a sin and i’ll probably get my butt kicked when i get to Heaven for it all…but i just want my opinion to matter, to matter to my husband…you know the person that is supposed to be MY partner? So H had been out of town… he comes back and i have a cold sore (i get them often in winter when everyone is sick and have so since i was a child). Now cold sore are this annoying thing, they are a form of herpes it’s one that is so common most people have it and don’t know or are like me and know and try their best to not spread them.

    So here i am making sure no one drinks from my glass, make sure not to kiss my kids (as a mom it’s almost automatic to kiss their cheek ), or kiss my husband.  Well while it was healing i bit my lip, same area and really hard too, to the point it was bleeding. Well..it all finally heals except the bite area and since it’s in the same location it looks like i still have a cold sore. H will not believe that i don’t have it anymore and i think he thinks i’m purposely trying to “infect him”. Ok this is what makes me so mad… seriously if you have cold sores the virus that causes them is in your system ALL THE TIME, seriously! the only reason they show up is because if you are stressed, sick, or some other issue …it’s going to lower your immune system to where the sores can then form. We always have the virus though…though true you can’t spread it unless you have a sore visible! Now my cold sore has been healed for over a week now…even the bite area is healed but just my luck it’s left a scar…a permanent red area on my lip where it had been. H now still refuses to kiss me. I seriously feel like a Leper that is diseased and gross and disgusting. Totally not helping with my depression or the feeling of not being wanted in this marriage.

    This wednesday i go back into the counselor and i want to just walk in, sit down, and say “i can’t do this anymore.” I want a husband that thinks i’m pretty and says it… even says it when it’s not true…I want a husband that shows some kind of emotion that says i matter to him. I even gave him a challenge to tell me “You’re Pretty” each day just once… i didn’t care if he meant it but i need to hear those words for the one person who matters. Not from guys in the store saying that and then asking if i’m married.   I don’t want to keep living this way. We’re finally listing our house… we’re finally moving and all of a sudden it just all doesn’t matter to me. Heck even the kids don’t matter….. i mean i love them but yet all i want is for them to go away. They just seem to remind me that all i’m good for is sex and making babies and that’s it…. I’m not worthy of love or being cherished or anything.

And i guess that is why this is labeled Hopelessness….. I have no hope anymore.


Lost and Rejection….

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   Over the past three weeks i think i have learned who my real friends are. and it has made me so heart heavy!

So for the last 3 weeks only one person has called and checked up on me about all the crumby things that have happened while my husband has been out of town. One. *insert super incredibly sad face* Oh i’ve had many people ask how my husband is doing ….”oh hes doing fine.. stressed but fine.” And then went on to something else. Leaving me feel rejected and unlovable. Oh i know it could be the fact that i’m insanely tired, in tons of pain (dropped a tool box on my foot and then hit ankle on something metal and now that is swollen), depressed, and totally and utterly overwhelmed.


   I would love to just pour out everything that has gone wrong in the past 3 weeks alone to someone and just know that i have that shoulder to cry on and know that they are there for me but i don’t have that. My mom has been staying with me to help out and to also sew my Halloween Costume. She has been awesome and though we had some bad moments we worked them out and kept going. But where are all those people that say they are there for me?

   I told myself that i just need to break down and bawl my head off tonight and then go from there. Need to release some of this negative energy that i’m bottling up i guess.

   I read dome verses follow a lady on FB that has daily inspiration posted and for a while it helped but now all i see is that i’m lost… I want God in my life…but i dont feel him in this area of my life and it hurts… oh how it hurts!! I feel like that baby animal that went around saying “Are you my Mommy?” but instead going “Are you my Friend?”

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   You know i could probably get through this is things in my marriage was great or even just good…. but they are not…things are crumby….i don’t know what i’m doing and where i’m going in that part of my life either I just feel so incredibly lost!!!!

I’m one of those people that i’ll sit down and tell you everything if you just give me a sign that you care and want to hear. But then i also talk too much when i’m nervous. I fidget and shift around when i have something to say but really don’t want to hurt people’s feelings and try to be quiet. I call myself all kinds of negative and ugly names when i start feeling bitter and angry… I now have no misgivings that i am not pretty… at all. Like seriously….I don’t see myself as pretty on the inside or the outside anymore.  Maybe i have too high of expectations. Maybe i wanted too much out of marriage.

   I just wanted someone that would be there for me, Stand up for me, Think and treat me like the princess God calls me, Someone that no matter how i looked thought i was Beautiful, Someone that wanted to b my teammate in everything including the whole parenting thing.

maybe i was just in fantasy land.. unrealistic.


Maybe counseling needs to be restarted up…..i have no idea anymore. Think i’ll go do that crying thing and go from there.


No More….?

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So I used to be one of those cool Christians…. I didn’t shove the Bible down your throat, I didn’t point out others flaws i just really thought those flaws were none of my business, and i helped people…. oh man did i help people! I helped them to the point i let them destroy my teen years and some of my early adult years.

As the years have passed a strange thing has happened, I stopped being compassionate, i became more and more irritable around people.  When someone asked me to help them i started to look at them as a plague and not a person. I started to have a “NO MORE” attitude around everyone.

Whats funny is that i was watching Dr. Who with my kid (yes i watch it i still don’t agree with many episodes but i’ll watch some) and we came to the episode labeled “The Day of the Doctor”. The Doctor has a choice… kill everyone or let the whole thing blow up…not very good choices in my book. But he came to these choices as he said NO MORE to see everything falling apart around him. Like him i can put a finger on the day i stopped being compassionate to everyone. October 15th 2012.  I stopped loving people… i stopped loving myself….. and i didn’t want to deal with the reasons behind it “NO MORE”.

Some days… like today… I miss the old me. I do. I miss caring for people, I miss getting together with people, and most of all I miss feeling good about helping people and getting nothing in return. Now this woman i am is bitter, hates a good handful of her neighbors (specially that one that honks their horn at all times day or night), see people as “yeah you say just to call you for help but when that call comes it aint happening”, or seeing them as “i want to be your friend but i’m going to go do group gatherings with tons of other ladies and not even think about asking you if you want to join in”….I’m sorry that one really gets me…..

You know that’s the other thing i hate about myself now…it used to not bug me what others did… but now the almost constant Facebook montage of photos showing me that i do’t fit into any group of friends in any way just finally hit that button… and now i’m bitter… i hate people…. I seriously want nothing to do with them…. I don’t want to help people anymore since i know no one will really help when i need it.

Days like today all i want to do is complain (hence this lovely post) and cry “BooHoo to me and so on and so forth and etc.” I’ve become a horrible Christian… i say i’m working on myself but really I’m not sure if it’s working if the more i do these support and recovery groups make me hate people and myself more? Sure i don’t explode anymore really at my kids… but i think i’m imploding on myself more and that’s messing up my thought process.

Anyways a long post about nothing more then me complaining about me and the fact that i’m a bitter old woman that hates people. HAHHAHA!

Anyone else feel that way some days?



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   You know i’ve talked about my depression. It feeds this Loneliness feeling at times. It gets to the point where i don’t really feel depressed anymore just lonely. Which is weird… I’m never alone….I’ve always got my kids or husband around me if not them then friends ….and if I have none of those I’m still not alone as i have my Faith and know that God is with me.

But i still feel all alone and unwanted!!!!!!!!!


   This passed few weeks i’ve felt like i can’t say or do many things right in other’s eyes…. many of my family and friends seem to be mad at me or tell me my opinions, thoughts, and dreams do not matter. Each time makes me want to go back into my shell and just curl up and not go out. I can be in a room filled with people and i feel utterly and desperately alone.

   I went to a gathering many weeks ago…my husband was off with some guys and i was kinda stuck being with the kids….only one person came up to me and engaged conversation…Others wanted me to come to them but i couldn’t… i had to watch the kids. So i spent most of the time on my own with only kids to talk with. When we left my husband seemed angry at me and i didn’t understand why and as we got going it seemed to get worse. I just couldn’t seem to get things right. I spent the time driving home crying quietly and no one knew.

            I’ve been trying to tell my family how i feel but i really don’t think they understand.

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   I’ve been praying a lot for a best friend…. someone that will be there for me…check in on me, lift me up, be real with me, hang out with me, ….you know all those things best friends are supposed to be?  and someone i can do the same for.  I have plenty of friends… and acquaintances but really i don’t have anyone that does the list above. And that of course doesn’t help at all.

  We’re still working on moving and i know that is wearing on everyone…. And now i’m trying to start up an at home business and I’ve kinda started to just throw all of me into that and just ignore all the anger and stares from my family…The only one happy to see me seems to be M. The other two are getting lose to those teen years so the hormones and testosterone is crazy. too.

So there you go… what i’m dealing with… it hasn’t been fun.

oh and if you do want to check out my business it’s on Facebook. Look up Glitz N Glam Texas (the mother company is in Florida)



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   You ever have a dream that scares you so bad you should wake up, but instead you keep having that dream until someone comes in and does something to the room around you?

   I have these every now and then and they terrify me! I’m always scared that i’ll get stuck in that dream and no one will come in and change something in the room (like turn on or off a light, or move something around, or just move around the room) and I’ll never wake up from it. Kinda like when River Song is stuck in the Tardis doing something over and over again..think it’s the Pandorica Episode. (oh yeah i just totally made a Dr. Who reference…it’s an ok show..there are many things i don’t like about it but that’s a different blog post!)

   But seriously! Dreams are scary. Nightmares are worse. Night Terrors are like a whole other level of freaking out.

Why can’t i have a normal dream scene? Why do my dreams have to be totally out there and make me wonder if i’m crazy? I remember all my nightmares too. I can sit here and one word will bring up a nightmare that goes along with it. Death…creepy dude in alley trying to kill me, Aliens…they are taking over my home town, Child…..severed head guy… i mean the list goes on and on…. But i can’t remember the good dreams. The ones that make you smile when you wake up…the ones that make you want to turn over and go back to sleep and just enjoy it a bit more. Nope can’t remember those! d

   I don’t know why my mind will only remember the bad dreams…I also don’t know why it lets me have Night Terrors once in a blue moon. Don’t know what Night terrors are? They are where you wake up from a Nightmare and believe you are still in that dream when you are not. This is a truly scary thing! Seriously.. Being trapped in a dream is one thing but to wake up and still feel trapped it’s like your mind is being ripped in two!  You can feel it struggle to understand what’s really going on and all you want to do is hold on to your head and scream but you’re stuck watching things around you trying to make to dream end or move forward.

If you have these problems… i’m so sorry! I feel your pain…i do! I’ve been there… i’ll be there again soon..possibly even tonight you just never know with this stuff!

You’re not alone if you struggle with this. The biggest help is to find someone you can just talk to about it and have them listen. I have learned that as soon as i wake up if i just tell my husband or later in the day call my mom and tell them the dream it doesn’t hold on to me quite as strongly and i’m able to go on about my day a lot better!  Make sure it’s someone safe though someone that’s not going to gossip or call you crazy every time. That’s not going to help! And don’t call yourself crazy (preaching to the choir here) that’s just going to tear you down more.

I hope this helps someone out there….

Thanks for reading!


Defeated and Excited…

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   So this month has been hard. We are still trying to make our house list worthy. And that is frustrating as i know once the painting and bathroom are done that the Realtor could very much sell our home. But i have a feeling someone will not agree and say “oh but we need to do more and it’s not perfect”….no it won’t be perfect, it never was perfect and never will be perfect… we need to move on.

   On top of that bill company did a sneaky under handed move and i wish i could yell at them but all it would do is….welll nothing. It would do no good, they are deaf to complaint and they are a huge company so doing anything else would be a waste.

   It really wouldn’t have matter but i was given an opportunity to start another branch of a cousin’s business where i’m at and it would hopefully mean a little income here and there, and that’s why i’m so excited! I’ve never had my own business and didn’t have a whole lot of know how to go about it but all of a sudden here i am and everything seems to be falling into place, but the mess up with the bill messed up the buying of start up stuff for my business. I wanted to cry. Like seriously i hate crying but i do it at a drop of the hat… i think that’s why i hate it so much. That and i think it’s a sign of weakness. So it was just a bummer and all it was a hiccup in the end i was able to buy some stuff, but it felt a little hollow after all that.

  Then i look at our budget and realize i can get a few things for the kids for the start of school but than that’s it… i won’t be able to supply extras or anything else like a normally do at the beginning of the school year and i just feel like a failure… i feel like i failed the kids and that they will be pointed at and made fun of because of me and that the Teachrs will be mad at me as well.

   I just feel like this huge failure all around that i really don’t have anything for me to do but the kids and housework… I lot of my friends have jobs of some kind even if it’s just an at home job. I guess i felt lacking. I so hope this business venture pans out and i’m super excited to start it. So that’s why i have all these warring feeling going on. So excited to get going and sell some stuff…but on the other hand i’m so bummed about the state of things NOW!

It’s hard having all these things in my head and not be able to feel comfortable talking with someone about it all… but i feel totally ok to post it here for all of you to read LOL!

Anyways a glimpse of what is up lately here. Can anyone else relate to this?



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   So today, on Facebook, Dave Ramsey’s page posted an article that i read and it sounded good… and then as i kept reading i just had this feeling of “wait, what? that ain’t right!”  (here is the article http://christywright.com/2015/06/5463/?ectid=fb.dr.nf )

   Ok so it starts out about this slogan a company had… about how you don’t flirt when he looks good…but when you do.

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First off if you’re married you are to be only flirting with your spouse and she kinda makes it seem like it’s ok to just flirt with anyone. That makes me mad! If you flirt with a married person it is in NO WAY INNOCENT!!!!!! You hurt many people when you do that! You get the guy thinking about something else…. you tempt him! Of course you’ll be saying “well if he really loves her it won’t matter”…. ok if you dangle a steak in front of an animal long enough they are going to go for it. DUH! You hurt that wife… she starts to think about how unworthy of love she must be, how she must be ugly, how she must of messed up, and on and on it goes… the reverse can be said about men too…they worry about these same things! If there are kids involved they wonder too about how they must not have been good enough or done things right. NEVER FLIRT WITH A MARRIED PERSON!!!!  If a married person hits on you…shame on them and you tell them they are sick and go your way.(sorry pet peeve…stepping down from my soapbox)

  Then as you go on back to the article you read more about how you don’t do such and such if another person feels a certain way but when YOU do. Well wow… so i guess i shouldn’t take care of my kids unless i feels good? but then she puts a little spin in there about how that and some other things are supposed to be our responsibilities and need to do them despite how we feel… but wait…she just said…. I started getting confused at this point.

And then she goes back into talking about how we need to take care of ourselves and that it shouldn’t be a luxury item but a sure thing.


Oh yes we do need to take care of ourselves…but not to become happy… to to sit here and go “ok i’ll be happy if…” there is a lot of ways that can end badly. I grew up with that mind set…. things will make me happy no one else is going to make me happy… GOD doesn’t care if i’m happy…He’s an angry God…a Vengeful God….I can’t go to him for my happiness.

I’m finally learning that is not true… He is a Caring and Loving God… He is fair and just…yes things don’t make sense when they first happen sometimes but later on they will. There is that good and evil out there… we have FREE WILL granted to us…we can choose to be happy by things or be happy with moments and Faith.

Some of my happiest times are not with things but more with the memories i have with my kids… the little signs here and there that God IS there watching out for me….and with my spouse figuring things out together.

So i guess what i’m getting at is that sure yes we need to take car of ourselves like she said… but don’t make that you’re number one way to get your happiness as you’ll be really disappointed in the long run with that.

Anyways… just my thoughts on that….


Witchcraft and Magic….

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   I know some people will read this and get huffy and say i’m not right. But let me remind you that again this is not about anyone being right or wrong… it’s about me being able to write down my thoughts that bother me or just share something of myself and maybe touch someone that might be going through the same thing.

   So we’ve all been teenagers… or we are one now….but the point is when you’re a teenager you do things to learn for yourself what they might be like. Well witchcraft and magic was one of those things for myself. So let me tell you my background on it and a story-ish type thing… and i’ll put my 2 cents out there about what i think about it from there.

   So I grew up in a Christian home… everyone went to Church…everyone prayed at dinner… everyone knew that Jesus was the Son of God in our home. But there was some things lacking… and it sent me on a search.

   I found some people that i thought actually liked me…it was a lie of course and i know that now but then i thought it real. They were into drinking, sex, drugs, crazy enough praying, casting out demons, and making sure we all went to church. Crazy right? I wanted to fit in though so i started smoking, drinking, participating in “exorcisms”, and of course Church. Right before all this my mom had been in a car accident you know one of those ones you shake your head and go “wow and she lived??!” There were many things that happened that caused my heart to break and wonder if i was loved. So i hooked up with these guys.

   That summer i tried going and doing things my way…my Grandmother who was my best friend had just died….i was 15 yrs old…i was crushed! I hated the world…i was lost… i needed to grieve and didn’t know how. Unfortunately someone took advantage of that… and then another…long story short…i never went back there. But i looked for ways i could hurt some one. We had gotten a computer….it opened the world to me.

Now a bit more background… my father always told us… don’t mess with witchcraft and magic…you have no idea what you would be dealing with and you couldn’t stand the consequences. Back to the new awesome computer…i decide tha what he’s been telling me all my life is silly and not real, can’ hurt me right? So i surf and look things up… i read. i study. I’m an idiot. HA!

The week (mind you it was just one week) that i did all of this i  had nightmares… night terrors… whatever you want to call them i would wake screaming or couldn’t wake from dreams that felt like i was dying. One of these dreams still “haunts” me… in it i’m sleeping on the couch, an old relative of mine is there she’s staring straight at me from across the room, the look is like death itself. I look down and there is a book on the coffee table in front of me… it looks very old and ugly… i think it might have blood on it. Then she starts walking towards me and i can’t breathe…. she tells me to follow her and she heads up the stairs that are right beside me. I woke at this point screaming my head off and scary enough i’m sleeping on the couch and it feels like she’s still there! I think this is the one my parents come out to see what the crazy is going on.

At this point my Dad tells me who she is…what she was (a witch i guess) and that i should never follow her. At this point it all becomes very real to me. I stop everything and try my best to forget everything. But it’s left me with a problem. I no longer have this innocence that i had before. It’s hard to explain… but i can’t watch horror flicks anymore, I can’t watch a lot of real life actors playing around with magic and witchcraft as it makes me edgy and scared… i have nightmares that make Stephen Kings movies and books look like sweet fairy tales.

As i grew up i learned more…. the more you look at it there are two sides to every coin…there is good… and there is evil. I’m not going to quote scripture or anything like that… but i could….really though it boils down to this…if all the good in the world is done by God…doesn’t that mean that all the bad and seeing into things would be done by Satan?

  And i don’t know about you but i’m not mess with the one in charge of all the bad.

Not sure if this made any sense… or if it’ll help anyone… but it’s been on my mind all day and it just feels good to put it down and now i can walk away from it.