The Seals…



I have learned that right now God is trying to teach me something. So I’m spending a crazy amount of time in the Word (as much as my kids will let me), surrounding myself with worship music. I find He whispers to me more through songs on the radio, I think He knows this is my Love Language with Him. Not in some weird, loosing my mind kinda way. HA! But it’s how i can hear words of encouragement the most.

Anyways this has given me time to dive into the 3 final seals, remember the first 4 are the Horsemen, now we see glimpses into Heaven and Earth at the same time from here. It can be confusing as to where the Author(John) is at every now and then. But one thing is for sure, I don’t want to be on Earth after the Seals are done.

This could get into a debate about when the Tribulation is going to happen. Let me point you to the beginning again Rev1:19 “Write down what you have seen—both the things that are now happening and the things that will happen.” Some of this has already happened, so the Tribulation can not happen at the beginning, now can it? Maybe at the beginning of the severe suffering? Maybe… But I think I lean to it happening more towards the middle. 


When I left off last time we talked about this The Rider “Death” and “Hades/the Grave” his companion had been released onto the earth. I mean what could be worse than that?

The 5th Seal is broken, nothing bad happens here. The souls that had been martyred cry out to the Lord from at the foot of the alter, asking when they will be avenged. They are given White Robes…ok i have to be honest, i pictured in my head white snuggies and bunny slippers, in the middle of all this terrible things my mind wanted me to picture something silly. I’m sure they are stunningly white, the kind of robes that maybe priests or royalty wore at one time.

But their question is also answered, they are told to rest for a bit longer (snuggie, seriously hahaha), but the reason why is a sobering one. “until the full number of their brothers and sisters[f]—their fellow servants of Jesus who were to be martyred—had joined them.” uhmm…. what? As i read this line i had a feeling of ice water being poured over me. If you’ve never experienced that… you become instantly wake, alert, and your whole body goes into shock (spasms). Yet more need to be martyred.

I knew when i gave my life to Christ that this might be asked of me one day. No one wants to die, not this way especially.  Last night as i was driving, i was thinking about this. I knew it, I knew trials would be given to me…. i KNEW that by being a FOLLOWER of Christ life would be harder, but yet so fulfilling if i just let go of that “steering wheel of control”.  It was a pretty “light bulb moment” for me, i guess i haven’t given Him full control just yet, gonna work on that.



The 6th Seal is broken by the Lamb that was Slain. As it is broken an earthquake great in size happens, then the sky begins to change. I love the imagery John brings into this. It says the Sun was as dark as Black Cloth, the Moon as red as blood. Then the stars start to fall to earth like figs shaken from their tree in a strong wind. (i looked up videos on youtube, pretty neat!…and scary) He goes on to say that “the sky rolled up like a scroll, the mountains and islands moving”, if you’re not sure how that looks i imagine thinking along the lines of a play curtain moving out of the way and the props shifted for the main show to start.

It swings to the people on earth, EVERYONE, no matter skin, station, or anything all hide in caves and BEG for death, crying “the Day of the Lambs Wrath has come!” Ya’ll seriously, at one point our outward appearance or money status is not going to matter…we’re all going into those caves and going to BEG for death before the Lamb has His wrath.

Before the last Seal is broken we see a scene where an Angel comes and tells the 4 standing at the 4 corners to wait. He is going to put the seal of the Living God on the chosen, or the 144,000 that we’ve heard about. If you haven’t these are the 12,000 persons from each of the 12 tribes of Israel.

After this we cut back up to Heaven, were a great crowd in white robes and waving palm branches. It says that these have washed their robes in the blood of the Lamb, now they are white. But it also states where they came from… the tribulation, “the suffering”. ahhh we haven’t heard of this happening but it does state that these people/souls are from that time. The most we know is that this happens before the 7th Seal is broken. That’s it. We can make ourselves go crazy trying to figure it out but remember God is the only one that knows the “true” time.

He breaks the 7th Seal, there is utter silence through out Heaven. At first i thought this said through out the Heavens and Earth…but no just the Heavens. But is the Heavens go quiet that is still going to be a very unsettling time. Which they give an amount of time here, one half hour. For 30 minutes (Earth or Heaven time not sure) there won’t even be a pin dropping up there. We see 7 angels come to the throne and are given trumpets. But before that another comes holding an incense burner.

He is given a great amount of incense to mix with God’s people’s prayers, and at the Golden Alter they are poured out as the smoke ascends to God who is above the alter. But he’s not done, he takes the fire that is on the alter and puts it into the incense burner. From there the angel throws it on to the earth. Immediately there are bellows of thunder and crashes of lightning, and another terrible earthquake.  It doesn’t say that the Earth catches fire but…. that’s still pretty intense!!


You would think that’s it. done. all the bad stuff is now gone. NOPE! Don’t forget that those angels with the 7 trumpets are there. And they are waiting…. for what? I read a little further and it looks like something is going to happen after each one. Fun!! 🙂

I want to say that from here there is no time given for WHEN things happen but there are times given for HOW LONG they are to happen. I thought that interesting and they are pretty exact too.

I hope this stirs some interest into you for reading Revelation and getting you’re own thoughts about it.






Today I did a bit of a detour, I knew i needed to. So i looked up what the Bible says about Conflict. I put into biblegateway search “conflict”. Every reference to that word i looked it up. I read the context, I looked around in other verses. I needed to hear these words. I needed to look at them and have them wash over me and judge my heart. I wanted to make sure if i needed to right something that i did so, but in a Bible honoring way.  (Galatians 6:1-9)

So the first places it brought up was Proverbs. And it hit me square in the eyes, after reading more i realized Proverbs states clearly what the Attributes of a Quarrelsome person are. I’ll list some:

*Plots Evil– i took from the verses that this is thinking over and over again about it, and seeking revenge, or trying to get your way out of something. Proverbs 6:14

*False Witness– from what i read it pointed at lies, twisting events, again trying to get the outcome you want. Proverbs 6:19

*Hatred– i had to look up the definition for this word. “an intense dislike, abhorrence, wishing ill will, loathing”. Wow. that’s a pretty harsh thing. Proverbs 10:12

*Hot Tempered– Ok i cringed at this one because i have this problem a lot, I’m much better but things still set me off. This from context meant “quick to anger”, “letting anger simmer under the surface”. Proverbs 15:18

*Perverse/Gossip– I had to look these up as well  P-“(of a person or their actions) showing a deliberate and obstinate desire to behave in a way that is unreasonable or unacceptable”, and G-“casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true.” In the Bible it states that this type separates people. Proverbs 16:28

*Greedy– I took this as wanting more, thinking “starved” I think we all know what greed looks like, nothing satisfies us…we crave and don’t care for the consequences. Proverbs 16:28

*Anger– self explanatory right? Definition is “a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.” Proverbs 29:22

blue man

Wow. I’m so guilty of many of these a lot of times. Who isn’t? Anger, Greed, and Gossip is so easy and even smiled upon anymore these days. It is such a temptation! Some of the other verses that showed up also helped and one of them we had just gone over in Sunday School Sunday, Galatians 5:17 :

 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want.”

Our words, actions, thoughts need to align with one thing, one person…. Our Holy Father. If he puts something on our hearts we need to wake up and pay attention to it! We need to dive into this book called the Bible and see what HE says before putting into action what Jesus would have us do. Look at Jesus’ actions, how did he react to a similar issue? We need to think and not just let emotions rule us. The Flesh is going to want us to be selfish every time.

I am so guilty of this! But i need to be careful. For me personally I have learned that this is a good foothold for Satan in my life. I need to be careful of how long i dwell on things, because in the end Satan wants me to feel worthless, unwanted, and separated from God. And a good way for that to happen is to tell myself it is completely my fault and it would be just better if i removed myself. Which is not what God wants.

I found a verse that touched on that subject and made my heart sing, when i have this feeling I know that God is talking to me. He’s reaching down and wrapping His arms around me as He points to my heart and says “Here, My Daughter, these are My words to you right now, it may hurt but I LOVE YOU, and want you to grow.”

I am not sorry that I sent that severe letter to you, though I was sorry at first, for I know it was painful to you for a little while. Now I am glad I sent it, not because it hurt you, but because the pain caused you to repent and change your ways. It was the kind of sorrow God wants his people to have, so you were not harmed by us in any way. 10 For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death.”     2 Corinthians 7:8-10

Ouch…it did hurt. It hurt a lot. As i read these words tears flowed down my face, I talked with God about how I was angry because i didn’t think i did wrong, I told Him that i was tired of conflict rearing up right when i start feeling safe to let my guards down. I told Him that i was sorry for my carelessness, I’m so flippant with my words, when i need to guard my tongue more. I confessed my sarcasm, and asked Him to search my heart if I had any sins that needed addressing that He show me and we both work on them together…Him forgiving and teaching, Me repenting and learning.

This morning typing this out i put in my soundproof headphones, put on my worship music and soaked in it. As i type this only uplifting words are being poured into my mind and soul. Songs have been coming onto my radio list that i normally don’t get, like Francesca Battistelli “He Knows My Name” & “Write Your Story”, 7eventh Time Down “The One I’m Running To”, Hawk Nelson “Diamonds”, Newsboys “Born Again”.They all seemed to scream to me:



I’m going to keep going to Him for everything. I’m sure I’ll mess up again but I’m going to learn, and grow, and shout from the rooftops how He is working in me. I can’t wait to see what plan he has for me. I know it’s going to be amazing.

Sorry for being so intense today but this is what he’s put on my heart. I hope it speaks into you dear reader  and brings you growth and peace.  I encourage to look up the verses in the Bible translation that speaks to you and read them.  Here are a couple more that spoke to me that i didn’t go into: Habakkuk 1:3, Hebrews 10: 32, also the book of Matthew has a lot of good ones too.


The Four Horsemen..



I have been doing morning Bible Study for myself. I’m not a morning person! But I find that my whole day is kinda off if i don’t spend a good 20 minutes of quiet reflection first thing. So like before I’m still in the book of Revelations. It’s a pretty heady book to study first thing in the morning! This morning i could only read a small portion as it was pretty intense!!

So last time i talked about the 7 churches and that God’s appearance is mentioned. This time I went over the 7 Seals of the Scroll.

The only person worthy to break these Seals, was the Slain Lamb (Jesus).

Let me say this disclaimer: “I believe that Jesus was not just a carpenter, prophet, good person… I believe that he was/is the one and only Son of God…I believe He was blameless, and died for us.”

Ok now that we got that covered. The first part of the Seals is the Four Horsemen.

The White Horse

I learned that there are many different ideas on what this Rider means, he could be the Anti-Christ, could be an angel to bring victory to God, some say Pestilence (disease). But i don’t agree with that last one…since itng along with one of the other Horsemen.  I kinda am torn between the first two. I do know that this Rider is given a Crown. To me that means he is given authority, he doesn’t already have it. It says the Rider carries a Bow and wins many battles.  We’re left with the question “what kind of battles? Good or Bad?” All we know for sure is that this Rider is a Conqueror. My thoughts is that it’s for the Good, why would this one do something that another Horseman will do? Just my thought.

The Red Horse

Ok I think we can all agree that this one is war. The Rider carries a sword, and the horse is Fiery Red, I can picture it a coppery Chestnut horse with flames coming from it’s mane,tail, and hooves.  Again it says this Rider is “Given” authority. This time to TAKE peace. In the NIV translation is says that “to make people kill each other”. That’s a sobering thought. I remember that my thought was that in this time right now it would not take much for this to happen. Everyone seems to be on a hairpin trigger and easily set up. It does state that this would be happening EVERYWHERE. Not just in one or two locations.

The Black Horse

This one took me looking at two translations to figure out, since I use mainly NLT, I got a NIV as well to consult. The Rider holds a Scale, I picture one like at the hall of justice, so I’m thinking judging? Nope. If you read further is talks about barley and wheat being a full day of wages. Also not to waste oil and wine. Though it doesn’t say the name, we start to get a picture of Famine. Prices will sky rocket, the necessities of food will become more precious then money.

The Pale Horse

In NLT it says “saw a horse whose color was pale green“, maybe a ghostly green like you see in horror movies. But i thought that interesting. It’s not just a “pale” horse, but a pale GREEN horse. This is the only Rider that has a companion, and it’s not a good thing. It is also the only one that is named.  Death. And his chum the Grave, some translations says “Hades”. They were also given authority. This is where we start seeing numbers for deaths. One Fourth. That is a pretty high number. I looked it up, right now there are 7.8 BILLION people in the world. and there are people being born and dieing every day. But we’ll use that number for this. So 1/4th of the population would be…1.95 BILLION people. They would be killed by sword, famine, disease, and wild animals. That last one made me shake my head.

(My Baby done up with all 4 colors)Gypsyh


Are these all going to happen at once? Are they going to happen a little bit at a time over years, days? Minutes? We’re not given a glimpse into that answer. Remember no one… not even Jesus himself knows the hour it’s to all happen. Only God.

I do have to say that studying these made me look at the news in a different way. It also helped me to rein in my future thoughts, I need to be living in the here and now. Beacuse tomorrow is never promised.

For now this is as far as I’ve dug deep. Still got the 5th and 6th seals…and the 7th. Just gonna say, it doesn’t get better.

Hope these thoughts help someone, maybe it sparks an interest, maybe it makes you think a little bit more. Whichever, I’m glad i could share these thoughts with you.



My Testimony…

I know that my Testimony has kinda woven it’s way in here, but I’ve been encouraged to write it out, condense it a bit, Get a good flow and stuff. So… since many of you have been following me for quite awhile, thought it would be perfect to practice here.  So here it goes…


For the first 9 years everything was pretty normal. I mean, we lived with my grandparents, there were typical family drama, but nothing super crazy. Then one day it all changed in the third grade.  A boy who was offended by something my sister did, came to me at recess one day and out of no where told me that he wanted to kill my sister.  I was 9, I didn’t know how to process this, and my friend that was with me shoved me away from him and dragged me to a teacher as soon as possible.

There was a lot of stuff that happened after that, it got so bad that the police got involved.  The way the adults handled it left scars of mistrust of authority figures, of not feeling safe, and feeling so alone as no one talked with me about how to process the threats i received.  I was broken. Shortly after my sister got baptized and thinking this is what i needed, gave myself to Christ and got baptized in the year 1994.

I had thought this would fix everything, nope! We moved to a new town and just 2 almost 3 years later my mother was in a horrible car accident. She was in the ICU for a week I think, that time was super fuzzy.  Seeing her laying there was…scary, traumatic, and devastating. It happened on a Black Friday on her way to work, she didn’t come home till almost Valentines day.  During all of this was some emotional roller coasters physically and mentally for myself as well.  I stopped going to Church, I was angry, and hurt.

As my mom healed at home, I thought things would get better, just a year and a half later, a few days after my 15th birthday my grandmother passed away. This hit me so hard as she was my best friend. She taught me so much. I know she had her faults, but to me she was that one person in my family i could go to. I lost her…. no one helped me to process this either, just shove it down and move on. No one knew that i had had an argument with her just the week before about the type of people i was hanging around and that when she passed away i thought it was MY fault she had died.

I started acting out at this point, I went and stayed days on end with the kids that called themselves “Christians” while the slept around, abused each other, and shared drugs. I started drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes to fit in. Then one night some of the boys got into my journal and read that i was open to the physical, one of the boys who was way older took this to mean “i say yes no matter if i even say no”.  What hurt the most is that just a couple hours later, he was snuggled up with a different girl right in front of me.  To add insult to everything he and his ex wrote me a letter stating why he did it, that it was laughable that i thought he would even think about being with me for real, and that i would probably never have a real relationship do to me being so “fat” and worthless, so i should be thankful for this one time.

My parents did not know how to handle this, mom gave me books. It started my addiction to Romance/sex novels.  Right after this we got a computer and the internet, which opened the doors to AOL chatrooms, which led to phone sex, which led to more destructive behavior.  Then i started to meet the guys from online.  One i met started a very sick and twisted relationship on both our accounts. During this is when I cried out to God and He answered with a “NO” to ending my life. My parents shipped me off to college and that just opened the door for me to run off whenever to meet guys.  Through all of this I still called myself a Christian, if I was with religious men I’d go to church with them and do all I was supposed to do. But I did not trust God anymore, The guy I met in college was the furthest thing from the Faith as possible, thinking that was safer. It had to be better since those who claimed to be Christians were no better then me.

I quit college, and shortly after that and leaving the guy i had been with I found out I was pregnant and my twist relationship guy came back into my life. When I had my son at first i pretty much let my parents raise him, but slowly I started seeing things i didn’t like. I met a guy at my work, though i was still in toxic relationships and doing dangerous behavior…something about this guy drew me to him like a magnet.  I actually started going back to Church on my own, taking my mom and son with me. I started to leave relationships, and the chatrooms i enjoyed, and no longer smoking or drinking.

Both the gentleman and myself still were very broken  though, at one point it felt like i was in yet another toxic relationship but with him this time…i couldn’t handle it again, not again. I was so sick of being used and using others….I tried to end my life. It was not the first time…but the other were just mainly thoughts and nothing truly attempted…this time was different.  I took all of my sister’s 800mg ibuprofen i had on me (8 total). I thought my son was better off without me. Everyone would be better off without me. But God had other plans yet again for me. There was consequences though…. I won’t know if I killed a baby or not till the day I’m in Heaven. It tore me up, to wake up and know that God spared me, but I may have sacrificed a child in all of this.

There was a lot of ups and downs from there. But that gentleman and I are now married today. We moved across the country from our families, and though it was hard, it was the best thing for us.  We went to Church, we relied on each other, but we were still very broken. We both had addictions. They slowly tore at us both, along with expectations that were unattainable, and unmet by each other.  We both stepped out of our marriage. I did so in my mind, reading sex novels and thinking about what it would be like with someone else.

Finally, one night after just feeling totally defeated by this continued cycle of craziness, I talked with a Pastor online for our current Church we attended. He didn’t turn away, He leaned in and said…”I’m going to help you.” Those words were a life line!  Through this we started to work on our brokenness, after 2 years of counseling, recovery groups, we were better but we knew something still needed to be done.  I started to go to counseling on my own. We worked on my anxiety which had gotten totally out of control through all this.  I started studying the word more, I paid attention to services more, and started to clean up my actions.  I started my volunteering adventure, trying different types through the church or outside of it.  The one that helped the most was with the Horse Rescue. Everything seemed to fall into place for it, and through one on one counseling I was able to work on my addictions and so much more.

In this past year I have learned to lean into God in a new and amazing way! I enjoy going to Church, we have a new Sunday School class that is amazing and has truly helped me to step it up, I’m more confident then i was, and I am working hard and starting to enjoy waking before everyone else to spend a half hour reading, studying, and sometimes talking with God about what He is teaching me.  I still struggle… I still slip up… I’m still learning. But standing here and looking back…, I see how far God has pulled me out of that muck i put myself in and I’m truly amazed.

Look at what He has done for me! I was what the Bible would call a Harlot, an Adultress, I tried to take my own life, I justified my addictions as nothing serious….i was so broken.

So if you feel like “God can’t save me, I’ve done awful things!”…. you’re wrong. We are horrible sinners….only God is amazing at Forgiving!

Let me know what you think…. too wordy? not enough detail? Maybe it helped you…. feel free to leave a comment and say hi too!






So recently I started a study on my own of Revelations.  This book is hard! I think because no one but God is to know the exact hours for the Second Coming. But I’m also learning so much!!

Did you know that all the cities for the “Seven Churches” had major earthquakes that demolished them? The only one with intact pillar/towers and with the now a days city thriving right with the ruins is the city of Philadelphia, Turkey.  All of the Churches are on the west coast of the country of Turkey. The six other cities have now a day towns but they are built up away from the ruins and some of their names have even changed.

Here’s a little of what i learned about each Church:

Ephesus- No longer had Agape Love towards God, If did not repent God would remove their Lamp stand (very serious!)

Smyrna- Had False Jews, Would suffer, but Rich in Christ!

Pergamum- Home of Satan’s Throne, Followers were Faithful, But were Tolerating pagan teachings.

Thyatira- Followers were constantly improving but they were allowing a false prophet to sway people to sin

Sardis- Reputation for being alive (maybe partying), but they are dead to following Christ, God said they had deeds unfinished

Philadelphia- The one God Loved (Rev. 3:9), has the synagogue of Satan, they will have an open door that none can close

Laodicea- Rev 3:15 (we need to decide!) , Lukewarm, wishy washy, They valued possessions over God

Just the first 3 chapters of this book and all the historical things i dug up is WOW! But what truly was cool in finding was when i started to read Chapter 4, in my Bible it is labeled “Worship In Heaven”, Did you know it describes the appearance of God in there? Not Jesus…but God!

Right at the beginning, Jesus is telling John to come through the door and then:

At once I was in the Spirit, and there before me was a throne in heaven with someone sitting on it. And the one who sat there had the appearance of jasper and ruby. A rainbow that shone like an emerald encircled the throne.

Revelation 4:2-3

Ok…this is not Jesus they are talking about, I know this because in the very next chapter it says:

 Then I saw a Lamb, looking as if it had been slain, standing at the center of the throne, encircled by the four living creatures and the elders. The Lamb had seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven spirits[a] of God sent out into all the earth. He went and took the scroll from the right hand of him who sat on the throne.

Revelation 5: 6-7

So right there…. The Lamb is Jesus, and the one who sat on the throne is God the Father…. Isn’t that cool???!!!! God’s appearance is like that of Jasper..a Orangish Red Stone with Dark Brown veins running through it. red-jasper


And Ruby…not to be confused with garnet! Ruby has a brighter look with pink highlights…garnet is a darker, deeper red with black or brown lowlights.


And a Rainbow (all the colors) that shone like an emerald!


look how vibrant that is! It’s not even cut yet!

It sounds so amazing! I still hold to he looks like us in shape… we are made in his image after all….

After that there is an explanation on the 24 elders, 7 lamp stands, and 4 creatures called Seraphim…pretty cool descriptions of them. My one thought is how do they do it up there in Heaven and not have a headache from all the Glorious singing? Would be so nice to have here, specially with my kids! 🙂

You know…this is just what I have read, how I think it means. But feel free to look it up and give your thoughts on it!!

(i googled jasper,ruby,emerald….these photos belong to whoever…not to be used for anything else)


Thanks for Reading!




I’m a Pushover….



I love giving gifts!!! It seriously makes me happy when I can give to others. Christmas time always feeds into that.

This year though, we really had no funds to do “Christmas gifts” for the kids, I felt awful! But then we got some “Santa” boxes in the mail, and then grandparents sent a few things, and lastly we got a Christmas Bonus and I was so happy! I went out and bought the kids presents and my DH got his, I was still thinking on mine when 2 bills come out when they weren’t supposed to. GRR!!! But i said ok, I’ll keep thinking on it and then we’ll budget for it later.

Then the kids started in on their attitudes, Throwing fits, telling us that they don’t have to…. I was so sad, this was NOT how we raised our kids.  Then three nights before Christmas I had ENOUGH! I said….”that’s it! All of mom and dad’s gifts we got you are going back!!!” Not the ones family sent as that would’ve been rude…but man it was tempting!! I did it right then and there too, unwrapped them and took them to the store before it closed. That and before I chickened out.

See even though I’ve taught my kids respect for others, even though I’ve tried to steer them the right way; they still have a will of their own. But mostly i contradicted myself by always saying “YES” to them when we’re at stores, or going out to eat, or just going out. “I” did this. I thought by giving in to my impulse of loving to give gifts would help my kids know i loved them. Technically it might, but the wrong way, because now they know you’re answer is yes. Now they know that if they push enough, you’ll given in.  Oh I so hated learning that about myself!!!

Then the other day I read this verse:

“There is still one thing you haven’t done,” he told him. “Go and sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”  At this the man’s face fell, and he went away sad, for he had many possessions.  Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the Kingdom of God!” This amazed them. But Jesus said again, “Dear children, it is very hard to enter the Kingdom of God. In fact, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!” Mark 10:21-25

   I read this and I knew i had to do better with my kids. I can no longer be a pushover!!! I don’t want them to have this struggle, like this young man in the Bible, when they grow up and move out. That terrifies me!  So we are working on packing things up to give away. We are working on “you do chores without a temper tantrum and you’ll get a “commission” for that work.”   I’m hoping it’s not too late to fix what I’ve done, but we shall see.

Being a parents is fun and crazy! Haha! I know i can’t be perfect, only one parents is truly perfect… and I hope that all of my children learn to know Him and call Him their Father, and Leader in their lives.


Crying Out to the Lord…



Psalm 102:1-3

 Hear my prayer, Lord;

    let my cry for help come to you.
Do not hide your face from me
    when I am in distress.
Turn your ear to me;
    when I call, answer me quickly.

 For my days vanish like smoke;
    my bones burn like glowing embers.”


I encourage you sometime to sit down and read all of Psalm 102, the note in my Bible says:

A prayer of an afflicted person who has grown weak and pours out a lament before the Lord.

How often is the pain so intense you know nothing else but to scream…long and loud until you’re hoarse, until you are completely spent?

I was there once. I don’t talk of it often for fear of someone calling me crazy, but left face it ….we’re ALL crazy at this point.

When I was a teen, I knew that being sad all the time was not normal, I knew something was off with me, but i didn’t know what it was or how to deal with it; So I self soothed with bad influences, alcohol, smoking, garbage reading.  I acted out in many ways…some very dangerous…some very painful. One Night I just could not take it ANYMORE!!!  I screamed in my mind, “Lord!! Just KILL ME ALREADY!! DO IT!! YOU HATE ME I KNOW IT!! I CAN’T DO THIS! JUST END ME AND STOP IT ALL!!!”

blue man

    I kid you not, IMMEDIATELY I heard in my head and heart a booming thunderous voice telling me “Noooo!” It was firm, steadfast, comforting, and absolutely terrifying all at once. I felt like someone had just put their arms around me and held me. I of course acted like anyone else would, i got up and looked around and started freaking out a bit….. you would too….right?

I knew this was the Lord telling me comforting me in my despair, but I was scared to share as i was told over and over again that hearing voices is bad and I’d be taken away. So i pushed it down and only took it out when either i felt safe or for when i felt low.

I still feel scared at sharing, but then i remember this verse:

let my cry for help come to you.
Do not hide your face from me
    when I am in distress.
Turn your ear to me;
    when I call, answer me quickly.

He’s going to answer us, He’s going to do it quickly, IMMEDIATELY, when we are in grief and despair. Sometimes it might be in the roaring voice of authority, or it might be in a whisper of our hearts, soft and gentle.


     Winter time is extra hard on me, though I’m now on meds that help, it can still be overwhelming and crushing depression. I still get told a lot to “pray”, to “get over it”, to “not be so negative”, or to “get a thicker skin”.  Believe me I’ve done all those things, and though it’s gotten better it’s still a battle for me. Depression is like getting over drugs, you don’t say you’re cured, you say “i’ve been “X” amount of time sober.”  Because you know that at anytime you could slip, and have to start over again.

So I take one step at a time, I take one month at a time…. I smile and hug my friends even when i just want to cry, I force myself out of bed every morning now before everyone else and my prayer is the same, “Lord, help me love others, help me to smile, help me to cling to you through out this day”. Just starting my day with just reading His word first thing in the morning has started to help me put a good foot forward.


I hope this reaches out to someone else in need of hearing this, that they are not alone. This is me hugging you dear friend!!! You’re NOT alone, I’m here to show you that, God is here waiting for you, He wants to hold you and show you what true happiness and friendship looks like.

Praying for all of you that look at this page and may you have a BLESSED Merry Christmas!!!



I’m in Love…


    You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. ~~ John 15:16


I saw this verse posted on Facebook a couple days back and i have to say… I’m in Love.

I’ve been so busy with that new job and the kids and just life, that i was loosing sight of a lot of things.  I finally had a moment where i had to choose, Family or Work. I think i chose the right one. 😉 Family. I quit my job, and when my boss tried to guilt me into staying i told her i didn’t care and was leaving. But between you and me, I DID care. I felt bad for leaving my co-workers and a job that i had truly loved, but felt under new management it was sucking the life outta me!


        As i was leaving that day a conversation i had had with a coworker came up in my mind of having a paper that said we had the smarts. Namely…a college degree.  I started looking into online college classes and what might fit for me, with the support of my husband.  Due to past poor choices my college of my choosing was not an option, but I’ve been accepted into an awesome Community College and can’t wait to start classes in January for the Spring Semester.

Now you’re probably looking at this and going…what does this have to do with that verse? Let me tell you.  God CHOOSE me! He wants me to be a light unto Him…. and by finally being still and listening to Him…I feel I am FINALLY on the path that He has for me! Now that i feel like I’m finally heading in the right direction and listening to Him…i can claim this promise for me! “and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you.”  Ya’ll…what a sweet and awesome promise to carry in our hearts! If we are following God, TRULY following Him and His plan for us… whatever we ask. WOW!

Now don’t think this will happen right that minute, God’s not a genie…  We have to remember that when we ask we still have to wait on the Lord for His timing. It can happen fast…or it can happen slowly of a period of time. This is so hard for me as I’m just like everyone else….i want it NOW! But look what God has given me over the years:

A Family, A Home, Two of my dreams (living in Texas, and a horse), A Second Chance at so many things (school, love, and church family)

I am so Blessed!


I hope you enjoyed a quick read from me,




What do you do when you realize the people around you are taking advantage of you? Or when others are around they compliment  you, but as soon as they leave they give you backhanded insults?  What should we do when that old “doormat” feeling comes up at home? with family? at work?

As a Christian, I know that I am to love ALL. No questions. No if ands or buts. It was not a suggestion in the Bible… it was a COMMAND!   A lot of people get confused about this. That because you love someone you have to “LIKE” them too.  Wrong! Ok think of it this way… Do you have a sibling, parent, uncle….whatever that you love them but at times you just can NOT stand them? Yeah? Ok it’s like that. I love my neighbor…but i don’t particularly like them…specially when they stare at me and whistle at me in a demeaning kinda way. I still love that person. If he were to come over asking for help you bet i’d be helping him!!

The thing is…it’s been getting harder and harder to Love no matter what. The Love and Like are meshing up and becoming a ball of frustration and strong dislike. It’s easy to get that way anymore. Someone gets offended, you mess up, or forgiveness is thrown away.

While thinking on all that has happened this past week, going over the conversations, looking at what my actions where and those of others….I realize that there is an underlying FEAR.

That’s right… I’m talking about it again. Because seriously FEAR is SUCH a big part of our human nature!

We can all let that evil word hook into us, wind us all up and tangle us so deep in it that those little words that those fears whisper to us start to sound true. Legit. Concrete. REAL.

We’ll stand there and we’ll shout or sputter “but she..” “but he..” and sometimes that can be true…but most of the time it’s our Fear of..rejection, not being right, not being in control, not being loved…and so on.  So we’ll take those on. We’ll become control freaks. We’ll become “doormats” so we’ll be loved.


You might be thinking… where is she going with all of this? What does this FEAR…have to do with LOVE? So I’ll tell you.

You can not LOVE properly…if you have FEAR totally.


I’ll give you an example.

X has a fear of rejection, so when Y has someone come over and they seem to not like X that fear keeps X from reaching out. X can not Love, or be all they are meant to be, because fear is keeping X prisoner.

All of this to say… it’s hard! It’s hard to keep a smile on your face and love those around you when fear is running amok. love

Thanks for reading!!



God’s Blessings..

A lot can happen in 10 months!  I was working hard at my job till i realized financially this was not going to work for our family.  It was not paying for our kids’ childcare at all, and then the youngest started having issues at the Daycare and I wouldn’t find out until it was their last straw.  Which was very frustrating for us.  In the end we pulled “M” out of Daycare, I stepped away from my job and started to stay home again, but looking for a better working job for our family this time.

I have to say I was NOT pleased about staying home again. In my mind I’ve given my kids many years to have me 100% of the time, it was finally my turn to do something that could help my family but also be for me.  Man, God has shown me what it means to wait for His timing!  But during this time God has also heard the cries of my heart.  Never think that He doesn’t hear you! He does… but again it must be HIS timing!

The first answer to one of my Heart Cries was…. I can drive! Well I could before but if  you’ve read these you know of my anxiety and how severe it had been.  Today I can drive all over the place now, no longer relying on anyone else, not limited in distance at all. This allowed me to start volunteering at a Horse Rescue.  My counselor at that time encouraged me to find something that was “giving to others”, one late night i was surfing and found out that there was a rescue not far from our new place, I filled out that volunteer application and step out of my comfort zone! I have to say it was the best thing ever! Not only did i find a great group of giving and amazing people, but i finally was able to be around horses and enjoy them!

Which brings me to the second cry of my heart… Owning my own horse. Ever since I saw an Amish Buggy coming down my street lost and looking for directions when i was little, I have been bitten by the horse loving bug! We were never able to own farm animals while growing up so I contented my animal loving nature with cats and dogs. (my mom had to keep telling me to stop feeding the strays as they were taking over our outside at one point) I still had that horse love simmering on the back burner, With encouragement from a friend and then my counselor, I stepped off into the unknown and loved on these horses that had been abused or neglected or not wanted anymore. We clicked… we had a lot in common so it wasn’t that hard. 🙂 Then with the encouragement of that same friend and the Director of the Rescue just this last month I adopted my first horse!!! She is everything I had hoped for and more! (excuse her muddiness…she loves to play in it)


                 I still have heart cries…. including getting a job that will help us as a family but now also help our animals too… but I’m learning how much sweeter it is to wait for God’s timing for these Heart Cries.

Life is still a roller coaster, there’s ups and downs… my family and friends are all experiencing heartache in the health department in some way,  the world still beats at us and is unforgiving at times, and yes my kids are still driving me crazy! But I know God has a plan for me and it’s looking pretty awesome!  It reminds me of one of my fav scripture art i did up…


How true…..



Hope you all enjoyed!