There is a 5 letter word that scares me to my core….. Trust.
I have to be careful or my bitterness that i am working through will pop up and i’ll make it all about those people. But really my problem with Trust comes from my fear of God. Not the good respectful kinda fear, but the “God must hate me” or “God is doing all this bad stuff to me”.
See I’m terrified that if i let go and hand full control over to God, He’s going to tell me that my desires are no good and they will never happen. Things like being able to own and actually ride a horse, being able to have a working and functioning farm, being free from debt, having a nice home (i love my current home, i just want to make it more entertaining friendly). I’m worried I’ll never know what it’ll be like to live with my husband without children, as I desire for all of my kids to move out, but have a feeling my oldest may not be able to with his issues.
Why can’t i “Trust” God with these things? I mean i know that He is better equipped to handle all of these! But my mind says that “I” know better than Him. Which is just silliness! Me…knowing more than God…the Creator of EVERYTHING! Hahahaha!
But it’s hard… that word…. T. R. U. S. T., will He help me? Will He love me? Will He guide me and still let me have a few desires of my heart? I want to be happy, not the human type equivalent of happy, but the deep down soul freeing. light shinning, peace oozing happiness that the Bible talks about. That even during the hardest times, though they will hurt, that i will have that deep down peace to wrap myself in and feel God’s love radiating over me.
I know in my heart that it’s not God that has to prove Himself to me… but myself proving that i can give all control over to God Himself, and continue to do so no matter what my brain says. To help with that i have some great verses painted on canvases around my home to remind me…it’s not God that needs to step it up…but myself.
God is always standing beside us…. He has His hand reached out to us, with safety and comfort woven into a blanket to wrap around us the moment we take that first step towards Him and grab a hold of His hand.
As always, I hope my words help you dear readers, may they never be a stumbling block for you.