I know that my Testimony has kinda woven it’s way in here, but I’ve been encouraged to write it out, condense it a bit, Get a good flow and stuff. So… since many of you have been following me for quite awhile, thought it would be perfect to practice here. So here it goes…
For the first 9 years everything was pretty normal. I mean, we lived with my grandparents, there were typical family drama, but nothing super crazy. Then one day it all changed in the third grade. A boy who was offended by something my sister did, came to me at recess one day and out of no where told me that he wanted to kill my sister. I was 9, I didn’t know how to process this, and my friend that was with me shoved me away from him and dragged me to a teacher as soon as possible.
There was a lot of stuff that happened after that, it got so bad that the police got involved. The way the adults handled it left scars of mistrust of authority figures, of not feeling safe, and feeling so alone as no one talked with me about how to process the threats i received. I was broken. Shortly after my sister got baptized and thinking this is what i needed, gave myself to Christ and got baptized in the year 1994.
I had thought this would fix everything, nope! We moved to a new town and just 2 almost 3 years later my mother was in a horrible car accident. She was in the ICU for a week I think, that time was super fuzzy. Seeing her laying there was…scary, traumatic, and devastating. It happened on a Black Friday on her way to work, she didn’t come home till almost Valentines day. During all of this was some emotional roller coasters physically and mentally for myself as well. I stopped going to Church, I was angry, and hurt.
As my mom healed at home, I thought things would get better, just a year and a half later, a few days after my 15th birthday my grandmother passed away. This hit me so hard as she was my best friend. She taught me so much. I know she had her faults, but to me she was that one person in my family i could go to. I lost her…. no one helped me to process this either, just shove it down and move on. No one knew that i had had an argument with her just the week before about the type of people i was hanging around and that when she passed away i thought it was MY fault she had died.
I started acting out at this point, I went and stayed days on end with the kids that called themselves “Christians” while the slept around, abused each other, and shared drugs. I started drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes to fit in. Then one night some of the boys got into my journal and read that i was open to the physical, one of the boys who was way older took this to mean “i say yes no matter if i even say no”. What hurt the most is that just a couple hours later, he was snuggled up with a different girl right in front of me. To add insult to everything he and his ex wrote me a letter stating why he did it, that it was laughable that i thought he would even think about being with me for real, and that i would probably never have a real relationship do to me being so “fat” and worthless, so i should be thankful for this one time.
My parents did not know how to handle this, mom gave me books. It started my addiction to Romance/sex novels. Right after this we got a computer and the internet, which opened the doors to AOL chatrooms, which led to phone sex, which led to more destructive behavior. Then i started to meet the guys from online. One i met started a very sick and twisted relationship on both our accounts. During this is when I cried out to God and He answered with a “NO” to ending my life. My parents shipped me off to college and that just opened the door for me to run off whenever to meet guys. Through all of this I still called myself a Christian, if I was with religious men I’d go to church with them and do all I was supposed to do. But I did not trust God anymore, The guy I met in college was the furthest thing from the Faith as possible, thinking that was safer. It had to be better since those who claimed to be Christians were no better then me.
I quit college, and shortly after that and leaving the guy i had been with I found out I was pregnant and my twist relationship guy came back into my life. When I had my son at first i pretty much let my parents raise him, but slowly I started seeing things i didn’t like. I met a guy at my work, though i was still in toxic relationships and doing dangerous behavior…something about this guy drew me to him like a magnet. I actually started going back to Church on my own, taking my mom and son with me. I started to leave relationships, and the chatrooms i enjoyed, and no longer smoking or drinking.
Both the gentleman and myself still were very broken though, at one point it felt like i was in yet another toxic relationship but with him this time…i couldn’t handle it again, not again. I was so sick of being used and using others….I tried to end my life. It was not the first time…but the other were just mainly thoughts and nothing truly attempted…this time was different. I took all of my sister’s 800mg ibuprofen i had on me (8 total). I thought my son was better off without me. Everyone would be better off without me. But God had other plans yet again for me. There was consequences though…. I won’t know if I killed a baby or not till the day I’m in Heaven. It tore me up, to wake up and know that God spared me, but I may have sacrificed a child in all of this.
There was a lot of ups and downs from there. But that gentleman and I are now married today. We moved across the country from our families, and though it was hard, it was the best thing for us. We went to Church, we relied on each other, but we were still very broken. We both had addictions. They slowly tore at us both, along with expectations that were unattainable, and unmet by each other. We both stepped out of our marriage. I did so in my mind, reading sex novels and thinking about what it would be like with someone else.
Finally, one night after just feeling totally defeated by this continued cycle of craziness, I talked with a Pastor online for our current Church we attended. He didn’t turn away, He leaned in and said…”I’m going to help you.” Those words were a life line! Through this we started to work on our brokenness, after 2 years of counseling, recovery groups, we were better but we knew something still needed to be done. I started to go to counseling on my own. We worked on my anxiety which had gotten totally out of control through all this. I started studying the word more, I paid attention to services more, and started to clean up my actions. I started my volunteering adventure, trying different types through the church or outside of it. The one that helped the most was with the Horse Rescue. Everything seemed to fall into place for it, and through one on one counseling I was able to work on my addictions and so much more.
In this past year I have learned to lean into God in a new and amazing way! I enjoy going to Church, we have a new Sunday School class that is amazing and has truly helped me to step it up, I’m more confident then i was, and I am working hard and starting to enjoy waking before everyone else to spend a half hour reading, studying, and sometimes talking with God about what He is teaching me. I still struggle… I still slip up… I’m still learning. But standing here and looking back…..man, I see how far God has pulled me out of that muck i put myself in and I’m truly amazed.
Look at what He has done for me! I was what the Bible would call a Harlot, an Adultress, I tried to take my own life, I justified my addictions as nothing serious….i was so broken.
So if you feel like “God can’t save me, I’ve done awful things!”…. you’re wrong. We are horrible sinners….only God is amazing at Forgiving!
Let me know what you think…. too wordy? not enough detail? Maybe it helped you…. feel free to leave a comment and say hi too!