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What do you do when you realize the people around you are taking advantage of you? Or when others are around they compliment  you, but as soon as they leave they give you backhanded insults?  What should we do when that old “doormat” feeling comes up at home? with family? at work?

As a Christian, I know that I am to love ALL. No questions. No if ands or buts. It was not a suggestion in the Bible… it was a COMMAND!   A lot of people get confused about this. That because you love someone you have to “LIKE” them too.  Wrong! Ok think of it this way… Do you have a sibling, parent, uncle….whatever that you love them but at times you just can NOT stand them? Yeah? Ok it’s like that. I love my neighbor…but i don’t particularly like them…specially when they stare at me and whistle at me in a demeaning kinda way. I still love that person. If he were to come over asking for help you bet i’d be helping him!!

The thing is…it’s been getting harder and harder to Love no matter what. The Love and Like are meshing up and becoming a ball of frustration and strong dislike. It’s easy to get that way anymore. Someone gets offended, you mess up, or forgiveness is thrown away.

While thinking on all that has happened this past week, going over the conversations, looking at what my actions where and those of others….I realize that there is an underlying FEAR.

That’s right… I’m talking about it again. Because seriously FEAR is SUCH a big part of our human nature!

We can all let that evil word hook into us, wind us all up and tangle us so deep in it that those little words that those fears whisper to us start to sound true. Legit. Concrete. REAL.

We’ll stand there and we’ll shout or sputter “but she..” “but he..” and sometimes that can be true…but most of the time it’s our Fear of..rejection, not being right, not being in control, not being loved…and so on.  So we’ll take those on. We’ll become control freaks. We’ll become “doormats” so we’ll be loved.

 

You might be thinking… where is she going with all of this? What does this FEAR…have to do with LOVE? So I’ll tell you.

You can not LOVE properly…if you have FEAR totally.

Huh?

I’ll give you an example.

X has a fear of rejection, so when Y has someone come over and they seem to not like X that fear keeps X from reaching out. X can not Love, or be all they are meant to be, because fear is keeping X prisoner.

All of this to say… it’s hard! It’s hard to keep a smile on your face and love those around you when fear is running amok. love

Thanks for reading!!

 

 

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God’s Blessings..

A lot can happen in 10 months!  I was working hard at my job till i realized financially this was not going to work for our family.  It was not paying for our kids’ childcare at all, and then the youngest started having issues at the Daycare and I wouldn’t find out until it was their last straw.  Which was very frustrating for us.  In the end we pulled “M” out of Daycare, I stepped away from my job and started to stay home again, but looking for a better working job for our family this time.

I have to say I was NOT pleased about staying home again. In my mind I’ve given my kids many years to have me 100% of the time, it was finally my turn to do something that could help my family but also be for me.  Man, God has shown me what it means to wait for His timing!  But during this time God has also heard the cries of my heart.  Never think that He doesn’t hear you! He does… but again it must be HIS timing!

The first answer to one of my Heart Cries was…. I can drive! Well I could before but if  you’ve read these you know of my anxiety and how severe it had been.  Today I can drive all over the place now, no longer relying on anyone else, not limited in distance at all. This allowed me to start volunteering at a Horse Rescue.  My counselor at that time encouraged me to find something that was “giving to others”, one late night i was surfing and found out that there was a rescue not far from our new place, I filled out that volunteer application and step out of my comfort zone! I have to say it was the best thing ever! Not only did i find a great group of giving and amazing people, but i finally was able to be around horses and enjoy them!

Which brings me to the second cry of my heart… Owning my own horse. Ever since I saw an Amish Buggy coming down my street lost and looking for directions when i was little, I have been bitten by the horse loving bug! We were never able to own farm animals while growing up so I contented my animal loving nature with cats and dogs. (my mom had to keep telling me to stop feeding the strays as they were taking over our outside at one point) I still had that horse love simmering on the back burner, With encouragement from a friend and then my counselor, I stepped off into the unknown and loved on these horses that had been abused or neglected or not wanted anymore. We clicked… we had a lot in common so it wasn’t that hard. 🙂 Then with the encouragement of that same friend and the Director of the Rescue just this last month I adopted my first horse!!! She is everything I had hoped for and more! (excuse her muddiness…she loves to play in it)

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                 I still have heart cries…. including getting a job that will help us as a family but now also help our animals too… but I’m learning how much sweeter it is to wait for God’s timing for these Heart Cries.

Life is still a roller coaster, there’s ups and downs… my family and friends are all experiencing heartache in the health department in some way,  the world still beats at us and is unforgiving at times, and yes my kids are still driving me crazy! But I know God has a plan for me and it’s looking pretty awesome!  It reminds me of one of my fav scripture art i did up…

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How true…..

 

 

Hope you all enjoyed!

Frog

 

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   So i can’t sleep tonight, it’s after midnight and i’m up working on making a necklace. I thought it a good thing at the time, and it was. But my mind is dancing all over with thoughts of other things and not even really on the necklace. Like “oh my goodness, did i mess up my leg? I really don’t have money to waste on an x-ray if it’s not broke really.” Then there are the thoughts about finally finding work but not having started yet and i know i just need to wait a bit longer but I’m one of those that wants to jump in and do it right away and if i can’t do it then i give up. I’m trying desperately to break that cycle.

    Also thinking about my plan for my jewelry stuff. Going to try and sell off as much as possible between the two vendor sales and then from there either gift items or try and sell them online or something. Then i switch over to my weight…. oh my! I am so angry at myself about this! I lost so much weight for a year and now it’s all back and then some! I’m like seriously sitting here crying about it. 😦  I don’t have good thoughts about myself…. and every time i try to change it with exercise or my eating habits i sabotage myself into failure.

   Then I see a verse of the day and it’s from Psalm 119 I’ve started to take the verse of the day and use it as a hook for myself to go read a part of the Bible i haven’t read before, and this is one of the ones i haven’t read before. It’s crazy long so i’m not going to post it here. It has 25 stanzas and each one has a “letter” of the Hebrew Alphabet as it’s header.  It’s pretty neat! But i sat there starting to read this i started thinking “this is me…. some thousand years ago a person wrote this and felt like i do”

     The meltdown of it is this…. We need to follow the commands that God placed into the Bible for us to read and follow. Even when bad things are happening to us…. even when we ourselves are a stumbling block we need to follow those commands/commandments. They are not just a suggestion. And there is more to them then just the “honor your mother and father”…. There’s more to it than just “Do not commit murder.” ..We need to research it and find out how God sees these commands and how HE wants us to follow through with them.

    THis is where i think convictions play a role too. Each person has their own convictions. I myself know that i can not drink alcohol really at all….I can not watch a lot of R rated movies with sex in them… I can not watch or hear about things that have realistic witchcraft or supernatural things in them (i can only watch the first 3 Harry Potter  movies…after that it’s a no go) .   See these are just a few of mine…. but i know that my friends and the people i see around me have different ones then me. They are going to follow some of these commands just a bit differently than me. And that’s ok…. in the end what matters is if we are following God’s will for ourselves.

Anyways….just my thoughts on this and that….

Frog

The World…

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    So I’m super excited to be looking into going back into the work world. I think this is what i was trying to do when i started my Jewelry business….  Don’t get me wrong I’ve really enjoyed it a lot!!  But the past few days i’ve sat down, did the numbers, the pros and cons, and so on. And i’ve come to the decision to wave the white flag. I’ll still have my Facebook page up and do orders if someone wants something but I’m no longer going to go to Vendor events or keep stock on hand. It’s been over a year…. it’s time.

   I’ve also told myself that i’m getting rid of my scale…well put it away anyways… i’m no longer going to look at it! It’s just depressing me. Instead i’m going to work out at least 5 days a week, go walking every day, and work on my eating habits….Also going to look into finding a Dance studio closer to us if possible so Hubbie and i can go back to dancing! I love it!  And i think that’s part of it… I need to work on doing things i enjoy…but also not let them rule me….like sitting around with a book…it’s good but not to do it all the time and never get moving.

  I read an interesting passage this evening that kinda going along with the many things i’ve been thinking about lately. I’ll share it….

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 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.”  -James 4:1-3

    It’s a pretty intense passage. I don’t think I have fought or quarreled about the things I’ve wanted…. or have i?  I had to sit back and think about that and then I realized i had! I fought with my husband, I’ve thought mean thoughts about others, and i’ve had arguements with my own self over this whole business thing!  It’s the same for the next part too… it may say Kill….and it probably did mean that but for me it’s not literal…. it’s metaphorical…it goes to my thoughts and anger. Don’t forget that it says in the Bible that  “‘You must not murder. If you commit murder, you are subject to judgment.’[c] 22 But I say, if you are even angry with someone,[d] you are subject to judgment!” – Matthew 5:21-22. 

   As i sat and thought about what to do i realized with this decision to start my own business i never did the most important thing…I never asked God about it…not seriously anyways. See God loves giving us our hearts desires…but we must do it in His timing and ask for His help.  I didn’t do that! So i guess i doomed it myself.  Because it says that we need to have the right motives at heart as well when we ask… again i don’t think i did. I just wanted it for myself and for my earthly wants.

    I have to say that in looking for a job now that i have a lot of peace about it… sure i’m nervous and excited but i also feel peace. I do want it so that i can get out and away every now and then…. but i also want it to help out teachers, to help out my family, and to teach. I have still done a lot of work in looking at other places… but everything keeps leading back to a “yes” so far with subbing at the schools.

     So for now i’m happy with this path I’m on… never know God might send me on a different one yet but It’s been interesting where He’s heading me right now. It’s always fun and interesting when i find a verse that makes me think and helps me make decisions!

Anyways….. just my thoughts for today!

Frog

weariness….

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     Today I am Weary! At first i thought it was my depression sinking into me again. But as i sit here and exam it closer… i realized it was more weariness then anything else. If you have ever dealt with depression you know how hard it can be to “feel” any emotion but sadness and despair…but here i am and able to think and process and know that that’s not what i’m feeling right now. NOPE! Well there might be a little of that lurking in the background but i’m working on pushing that out of my way until i can work through it.

        I just feel overwhelmed, underwhelmed, stressed, bored, excited, and afraid all at once and i guess that has led to this deep down bone numbing weariness. So many things going on around here, it being summer and the kids are out of school, plus looking for a good part time job, then having to look for a new Life Group (sunday school class) four ourselves and putting ourselves out there, trying to work on also my jewelry business (it’s not going so well really, the only time i have customers is at events…no orders means no business) , also family stuff, and lastly adjusting to a new place and the budget for the new place.

     All of this has made me just a little uncertain and lets face it a little crazy about everything. Then someone posted a verse today…and i was like “that is soooo me!!!”

28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”” —-Matthew 11:28-30

I always forget this verse…. it’s the most helpful verse but it’s the one i forget the most. I so need to go down on my knees and hand it all over to Him as i so can’t do this…. the more i think about it the more i become frustrated and angry. That of course won’t help at all… except to make it worse! So i loved having this reminder today to just take a deep breath and know the God’s got this!!!

Just a few thoughts for today.

Frog

Judgement…Part 2

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       Tonight as i was driving home i saw a car pulling off to the side of the road. I watched as an elderly gentleman got out. If it hadn’t been so close to being dark and also i had seen him sooner i probably would’ve stopped and asked if he needed help. It got me thinking about some other verses in James.

      It’s so easy to say in your mind…”oh yes! I’m going to help that person!” or to say “well i tithe and help in my church so i’m good”…I’m working on becoming more plugged into my Church that i go to, but i’m also working on reaching out past that as well. When you’re in a safe place it’s easy to help or offer to help a person. But if you’re in an unknown area…driving in the near dark with your child with you….well it’s a little bit harder to reach out.

     By no mean do i mean to be foolish and do something that would lead to you being harmed. Like….following someone into a dark alley…or talking to a stranger that pulls up to you in a parking lot close to dark and you’re alone and only 13yrs old….yeah DON’T DO THOSE THINGS!!! Haha!!

Here are those verses….

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“14 What good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don’t show it by your actions? Can that kind of faith save anyone?15 Suppose you see a brother or sister who has no food or clothing,16 and you say, “Good-bye and have a good day; stay warm and eat well”—but then you don’t give that person any food or clothing. What good does that do?

17 So you see, faith by itself isn’t enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless.”                         – James 2:14-17

 

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           Such plain and simple words…. If  we say that we are a Follower of Christ than our actions need to say that. This includes doing good deeds. So if i sit back and say “oh i just can’t stop due to my eye sight and someone else will stop” each time i see someone in need of help, then how am i going to be able to spread God’s word? How am I going to show my Faith to anyone?

But it’s more then that as well. If i sit in Church or the Doctor’s Office, or even at my kids’ school and i hear someone is having a hard day and i just say “it’ll get better” and not sit with them, talk, but mainly listen to them and be a shoulder for them then i’m just as guilty as a person that did not reach out to say a Homeless person.

         This whole passage just screams to me to remember that we all need to be that shoulder, that hand that reaches out to help… because if you think about it…if Jesus hadn’t done just that where would we be today? Man, I don’t even want to imagine that! It’s a very scary thought. It also reminds me that i need to be teaching this to my children. They can be so spoiled and greedy at times and it makes me sad.

So I just need to pull out these verses and not only teach them what they say but to teach them by DOING it too.

Just my thoughts and ramblings on these verses……..

Frog

Judgement….

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    So i’ve been trying to write another blog post and it just was NOT sounding right. So i saved the draft and let myself just relax and think. I realized i wanted my view heard, I wanted it to be recognized and acknowledged. That’s just not going to happen in the world we live in today. And that’s ok.

Today i read a devotional by Lysa Terkuerst about being that one that didn’t get invited. Wow…she said clearly how I have felt most of my life. BUt she went on and talked about how we can not let that define us. It’s not our identity….  And i realized that’s exactly what I have been doing. I’ve let it’s define me….I no longer see myself as “Monica, art lover, animal lover, caring person, and just a little zany” but I see myself as “monica, girl not invited, not cared about, in the way, and isn’t worth much.”

      This is such a painful way to see yourself. No worries, I’m working on not seeing myself in this light anymore. It’s a slow road. But it brings me to something that hit me today and that is: How we see ourselves often influences how we treat other people.

       Let that sink in for a moment. And here’s the verses I read that helped me see this.

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“My dear brothers and sisters,[a] how can you claim to have faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ if you favor some people over others?

For example, suppose someone comes into your meeting[b] dressed in fancy clothes and expensive jewelry, and another comes in who is poor and dressed in dirty clothes. If you give special attention and a good seat to the rich person, but you say to the poor one, “You can stand over there, or else sit on the floor”—well, doesn’t this discrimination show that your judgments are guided by evil motives?

Listen to me, dear brothers and sisters. Hasn’t God chosen the poor in this world to be rich in faith? Aren’t they the ones who will inherit the Kingdom he promised to those who love him? But you dishonor the poor! Isn’t it the rich who oppress you and drag you into court? Aren’t they the ones who slander Jesus Christ, whose noble name[c] you bear?

Yes indeed, it is good when you obey the royal law as found in the Scriptures: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”[d] But if you favor some people over others, you are committing a sin. You are guilty of breaking the law.

10 For the person who keeps all of the laws except one is as guilty as a person who has broken all of God’s laws. 11 For the same God who said, “You must not commit adultery,” also said, “You must not murder.”[e] So if you murder someone but do not commit adultery, you have still broken the law.

12 So whatever you say or whatever you do, remember that you will be judged by the law that sets you free. 13 There will be no mercy for those who have not shown mercy to others. But if you have been merciful, God will be merciful when he judges you.” James 2:1-13

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I know this is a lot so i’m just going to talk about how i feel about these verses and what i got from them.

To me this whole thing tells me that i can not put one person above another…in my home, in my work area, in public, in private…. and so on. I should not make ANYONE more important than another of my human companions. Yes we should show respect to our bosses and leaders (still working on this) but they are NOT more important than say my next door neighbor.This goes for that person that may not have invited you to an event. Just because they didn’t invite you don’t let that person become more important than others…including yourself.

The last part really struck me… if we do not show mercy then God is not going to show US mercy! To me i figured this means forgiveness as well. If i don’t forgive all the people that have hurt me then i’m not showing mercy…I’m letting all those feelings fester inside of me and God is going to judge me on that! That’s a scary thought!! I think this includes all those little times that i had a pang or fit of jealousy that i wasn’t included. We are not to envy…jealousy is in a sense just another name for Envy. So it is something i definitely need to work on!

So…in a sense…no matter who we are, how much money we have, how many friends we have or don’t have….we’re all the same…we’re all important to the same degree to God and we should treat each other the same way. If we let our jealousy/envy, or our hurts rule us than we’re not going to be able to do the main command from the Lord….. “Love One Another, As I have LOVED YOU!”

Anyways…. I know i didn’t touch on all of the verses in this one and i will later on I promise. 🙂 The Book of James is totally worth it.

Just what i’ve been thinking about and learned about.

Frog

Back! and Progress….

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       It’s been awhile… but it was a good break! On this break I focused on a lot of issues that i have been struggling with. Mainly my Depression, Self Worth, and Driving Anxiety. But i also started to work on an addiction that i just recently found out i had. Well i had an idea that i probably had it but had no idea how to work on it as there was no real group or anything for it. Well I finally told my counselor about it and she gave me a book and from that book i learned there was a workbook for it, I ordered it and i have been working through it with my counselor and let’s just say that when you try to get rid of one addiction another seems to come to the front of the line!

      One of these days I’ll be comfortable saying what my addiction is but for now just know it’s a struggle, and it’s not fun at all.

    But enough of that!! Let’s talk of good things… Like for the first time in 3 years i finally drove from my home to a location that is 20 minutes away (i drive kinda slow) and back with no other adult in the vehicle with me!!! I”m just totally stoked that I did it finally! I learned that i seem to have a slight (and i mean slight) case of PTSD or so the Doctor says so about driving. When he first told me i was like, “but i’m not in the army, i haven’t had anything major happen to me! Sure i had a muscle spasm and little accident right on top of each other but could that really trigger PTSD?”  He told me yes, specially in someone who is already struggling mentally with a lot of other things. And i was. So new meds and finally pushing myself off that imaginary ledge of “can i do this?” and I did it!!

       Now it truly is exciting that i did this but to my mind… i didn’t. That imaginary ledge also had another name, “Am I Going To Trust God?” That ledge…that question…that was scary! It tied into my Self Worth issues. I didn’t think God thought i was important. I didn’t think I mattered. I didn’t think I was the treasure, princess, or child that God wanted in His Kingdom. I mean if I had all this insecurity of “does my husband want me?”, “my kids don’t want me”, “No one wants to be my friend really,” how could God want me? I sunk myself into the Bible and really started to read it. Then we had a sermon about “are you a Fan or Follower of Jesus?” I really looked at the difference between the two, and saw where i had been. You can say you are a follower all you want but if you are not living it then all you are is talk and no action. You’re a Fan and Not a Follower!

       I started to let down my guard around God and started going to Him for everything, I started putting myself out there more….I started trying to make friends again, I started putting effort into my physical appearance, I started to reach out to help or do projects i normally wouldn’t think to do. It has been wonderful! I still struggle though, I still think of myself in a negative light some mornings, so I open my Bible and it now automatically opens to the book of James…The whole Book to me talks of being a Fan or Follower…how we should be acting and so on and to me it’s just a comforting Book to Read.

And so with that my verse for today comes from there….

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 Dear brothers and sisters,when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.  For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.  So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.” James 1:2-4

The first verse can be a hard one to read…he doesn’t say “only these kind of troubles” nope… he says ANY KIND! We have a bad day? We should see this as an opportunity for joy! Now there are some things that should be grieved and processed before getting to the Joy…but I think we should look for that Joy in all things! Like my experience for example…when i’ve gone to recovery groups or to counseling they didn’t automatically say “well you should be seeing the joy in this right now!” No…they worked me through the stages of grief, anger, and so on and now finally I’m seeing the Joy and the good that has come out of these situations. And i think THIS is what they meant, they didn’t say BE Joyful…no they said “Consider It An Opportunity!” Meaning it will be coming, just not right away. SO I think we can be able to see the Joy in somethings right away even though they seem bad and sometimes it might take some healing first before we can finally feel that Joy.

 In the second verse it talks about our Faith being tested. It has taken me a long time to know that it is NOT God that is testing me! God is not tempted, He will NOT tempt you! I finally know who is tempting me…Satan. He wants us to fail, He wants us to fall on our faces…and I’ve done so, many times! The thing is, I think we can do the second part “..endurance has a chance to grow” when we pick ourselves up, call it what it was (Satan or our own Human selfishness) and work hard to not only to get back on the right path but to make sure we are not tripped up like that again. Some times we need help with this. We need a friendly person to come along side us to remind us to be watchful and to put God first and not our human nature.

Third verse reminds us to let it grow, we shouldn’t ever stop trying to better ourselves, our Faith, and our knowledge of God’s word. It says that if we are fully developed then we’re perfect and needing nothing. My thoughts on this is if we are perfect then we are no longer on this earth. So from this I get the idea of while we are living we need to be constantly watchful, constantly learning, constantly growing in our Faith. By this i mean we seek God in the morning, at lunch, and before bed…. and all those times in between. Making sure to read the Bible at some point in the day, and to reach out to others that are around us. I can be just as bad as anyone else with this. Lives get busy, children’s needs need to be met, there’s work, there’s that evil Facebook with all it’s cool games and people with pictures on it. Haha!!

What i get from all this is that we all struggle, it’s what we do with those struggles that mean the most. No one is perfect! Christians’ are NOT perfect…I personally know that i am broken…and because i know that i know i need God and because i need Him I know that i need to work on me every day.

        I hope you enjoyed reading this, hope it may have helped someone or at least got you thinking.

Frog

Break…

What? a break already?  She’s crazy! Actually i was challenged to get off this internet thing and reconnect with the people around me. I’m not thrilled and feeling a bit lost but that probably means it’ll be good for me. Soooo I’ll still do my devotional and verse things but i’ll write it down in a journal and then in 3 months i’ll start posting them again 😀

 

Thanks for reading my ramblings!

Be Courageous…

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    Yesterday i was sick…nothing serious, just harsh cough and just totally wiped out! So today I’m hoping to get two in. if not today then i definitely will tomorrow! Anyways….

    I shared my favorite verse the other day. Now this one for today is not really my favorite but i saw it on a Bible Cover and knew i needed to have this reminder in my life.

 

Just as the other one reminds me to not be afraid or anxious…this one reminds me it’s not just enough to no longer be afraid…but i need to take that next step and be STRONG!! be COURAGEOUS!! It reminds me of the movie Courageous….if you haven’t watched it yet… please do so!! (note take Kleenex box with you!) I won’t say more so i don’t ruin it for those that haven’t seen it. 🙂

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“This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”  Joshua 1:9

  I love how this opens up with “this is my command”. Again we are told that we are to do this, no if ands or buts!  It goes on to say “be strong and courageous” but it also says in the next sentence “do not be afraid or discouraged” So this is what i was talking about. Isaiah 41:10 is a great verse! But when we look at this one it gives us more info….not only are we not to be afraid or discouraged…but we are to be strong. When they say strong i don’t think they mean physically. I think this means spiritually. We need to be firm, steadfast. And then we need to go yet another step though, we need to be courageous. We need to be able to take those leaps of Faith. We need to know that God is going to handle this.

           The last part is again His promise that He is going to be with us. No matter what, and no matter where He’s going to be right there beside us to help us, guide us, and most of all when we are lacking those first two qualities He will give them to us and then some. 🙂 Isn’t that awesome?

It’s a short verse… but has a lot of meaning to me anyways. Back to the devotional verses tomorrow. 🙂

Hope you enjoyed it!

Frog