It’s been awhile… but it was a good break! On this break I focused on a lot of issues that i have been struggling with. Mainly my Depression, Self Worth, and Driving Anxiety. But i also started to work on an addiction that i just recently found out i had. Well i had an idea that i probably had it but had no idea how to work on it as there was no real group or anything for it. Well I finally told my counselor about it and she gave me a book and from that book i learned there was a workbook for it, I ordered it and i have been working through it with my counselor and let’s just say that when you try to get rid of one addiction another seems to come to the front of the line!
One of these days I’ll be comfortable saying what my addiction is but for now just know it’s a struggle, and it’s not fun at all.
But enough of that!! Let’s talk of good things… Like for the first time in 3 years i finally drove from my home to a location that is 20 minutes away (i drive kinda slow) and back with no other adult in the vehicle with me!!! I”m just totally stoked that I did it finally! I learned that i seem to have a slight (and i mean slight) case of PTSD or so the Doctor says so about driving. When he first told me i was like, “but i’m not in the army, i haven’t had anything major happen to me! Sure i had a muscle spasm and little accident right on top of each other but could that really trigger PTSD?” He told me yes, specially in someone who is already struggling mentally with a lot of other things. And i was. So new meds and finally pushing myself off that imaginary ledge of “can i do this?” and I did it!!
Now it truly is exciting that i did this but to my mind… i didn’t. That imaginary ledge also had another name, “Am I Going To Trust God?” That ledge…that question…that was scary! It tied into my Self Worth issues. I didn’t think God thought i was important. I didn’t think I mattered. I didn’t think I was the treasure, princess, or child that God wanted in His Kingdom. I mean if I had all this insecurity of “does my husband want me?”, “my kids don’t want me”, “No one wants to be my friend really,” how could God want me? I sunk myself into the Bible and really started to read it. Then we had a sermon about “are you a Fan or Follower of Jesus?” I really looked at the difference between the two, and saw where i had been. You can say you are a follower all you want but if you are not living it then all you are is talk and no action. You’re a Fan and Not a Follower!
I started to let down my guard around God and started going to Him for everything, I started putting myself out there more….I started trying to make friends again, I started putting effort into my physical appearance, I started to reach out to help or do projects i normally wouldn’t think to do. It has been wonderful! I still struggle though, I still think of myself in a negative light some mornings, so I open my Bible and it now automatically opens to the book of James…The whole Book to me talks of being a Fan or Follower…how we should be acting and so on and to me it’s just a comforting Book to Read.
And so with that my verse for today comes from there….
“ Dear brothers and sisters,when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.” James 1:2-4
The first verse can be a hard one to read…he doesn’t say “only these kind of troubles” nope… he says ANY KIND! We have a bad day? We should see this as an opportunity for joy! Now there are some things that should be grieved and processed before getting to the Joy…but I think we should look for that Joy in all things! Like my experience for example…when i’ve gone to recovery groups or to counseling they didn’t automatically say “well you should be seeing the joy in this right now!” No…they worked me through the stages of grief, anger, and so on and now finally I’m seeing the Joy and the good that has come out of these situations. And i think THIS is what they meant, they didn’t say BE Joyful…no they said “Consider It An Opportunity!” Meaning it will be coming, just not right away. SO I think we can be able to see the Joy in somethings right away even though they seem bad and sometimes it might take some healing first before we can finally feel that Joy.
In the second verse it talks about our Faith being tested. It has taken me a long time to know that it is NOT God that is testing me! God is not tempted, He will NOT tempt you! I finally know who is tempting me…Satan. He wants us to fail, He wants us to fall on our faces…and I’ve done so, many times! The thing is, I think we can do the second part “..endurance has a chance to grow” when we pick ourselves up, call it what it was (Satan or our own Human selfishness) and work hard to not only to get back on the right path but to make sure we are not tripped up like that again. Some times we need help with this. We need a friendly person to come along side us to remind us to be watchful and to put God first and not our human nature.
Third verse reminds us to let it grow, we shouldn’t ever stop trying to better ourselves, our Faith, and our knowledge of God’s word. It says that if we are fully developed then we’re perfect and needing nothing. My thoughts on this is if we are perfect then we are no longer on this earth. So from this I get the idea of while we are living we need to be constantly watchful, constantly learning, constantly growing in our Faith. By this i mean we seek God in the morning, at lunch, and before bed…. and all those times in between. Making sure to read the Bible at some point in the day, and to reach out to others that are around us. I can be just as bad as anyone else with this. Lives get busy, children’s needs need to be met, there’s work, there’s that evil Facebook with all it’s cool games and people with pictures on it. Haha!!
What i get from all this is that we all struggle, it’s what we do with those struggles that mean the most. No one is perfect! Christians’ are NOT perfect…I personally know that i am broken…and because i know that i know i need God and because i need Him I know that i need to work on me every day.
I hope you enjoyed reading this, hope it may have helped someone or at least got you thinking.