Today i’m sitting on my bed crying as i type this….it seems to be my constant state of being. I have no idea if what i type helps others, but i do know it helps me. Today i need the help of releasing all these words to here so that hopefully i can process them or just move on.
I’m so heartbroken about who i am, what i’m doing with my life, and how my marriage is going. And because i’m going to talk about my marriage i’m not going to share it to the normal feeds like i do.
I see myself as always being this majorly messed up person with eye issues, anxiety issues, being sad, and having a bit of a temper. It’s never going to get better. Though I am now going to counseling, i just don’t see how it’s going to change anything.
See put of my issues comes from things in my past but they also come from here and now. I feel unwanted, unloved, and like I’m just here to watch the kids and clean house. It seems to be the roller coaster ride of my marriage. I tried talking to H last night…tried telling him how I’m feeling like we’re just two roommates and theres nothing else really there. H then says “well, i got my rent money”. I guess he meant it as a joke but to me it’s a slap in the face… nothing is truly mine as he pays for everything, I have my van in my name but it’s breaking down…which means a loan probably and that means it’ll be under his name. It also hurts as when he stepped out on our marriage he came home one night and when i told him to get out he said very plainly “i don’t have to it’s my home, i pay for it”….at that point i just crumbled inside…like seriously i had been screaming, but as soon as he said that i got quiet, and i just said “yes, it’s all yours” and i began to pack my bags with the few things i could claim. Now apparently i didn’t leave leave…as i’m still here, but it was very close.
Days like today i wish i had…but yet i don’t. I mean I love my Husband… it’s there in the deep parts of my heart, I love him, but the pain and loneliness i feel just makes me wish i had. Though i know if i had finding another spouse wouldn’t fix it… i’m not going to magically find that perfect someone and we’ll live happily ever after. There is no perfect….and there is no happily ever after. If you’re reading this and you’re single and you think like this…. sorry but wake up and smell the sewers…there ain’t no roses. If you think “oh she’s just saying that because her marriage is messed up” Think again! I can point to members of my family, some friends, and even some neighbors…they are either in a marriage like mine or have married many times trying to find “perfect”…they’ll tell you the same thing i just did. It ain’t real!
This is another part that bugs me… H will believe or at least acknowledge a professional or things said by other people more readily than anything i suggest or say. It has gotten to the point at times where i will give an idea and then say it was “so and so”‘s idea and he’ll go with it right away and love it and yayness happens. I know lying is bad and a sin and i’ll probably get my butt kicked when i get to Heaven for it all…but i just want my opinion to matter, to matter to my husband…you know the person that is supposed to be MY partner? So H had been out of town… he comes back and i have a cold sore (i get them often in winter when everyone is sick and have so since i was a child). Now cold sore are this annoying thing, they are a form of herpes it’s one that is so common most people have it and don’t know or are like me and know and try their best to not spread them.
So here i am making sure no one drinks from my glass, make sure not to kiss my kids (as a mom it’s almost automatic to kiss their cheek ), or kiss my husband. Well while it was healing i bit my lip, same area and really hard too, to the point it was bleeding. Well..it all finally heals except the bite area and since it’s in the same location it looks like i still have a cold sore. H will not believe that i don’t have it anymore and i think he thinks i’m purposely trying to “infect him”. Ok this is what makes me so mad… seriously if you have cold sores the virus that causes them is in your system ALL THE TIME, seriously! the only reason they show up is because if you are stressed, sick, or some other issue …it’s going to lower your immune system to where the sores can then form. We always have the virus though…though true you can’t spread it unless you have a sore visible! Now my cold sore has been healed for over a week now…even the bite area is healed but just my luck it’s left a scar…a permanent red area on my lip where it had been. H now still refuses to kiss me. I seriously feel like a Leper that is diseased and gross and disgusting. Totally not helping with my depression or the feeling of not being wanted in this marriage.
This wednesday i go back into the counselor and i want to just walk in, sit down, and say “i can’t do this anymore.” I want a husband that thinks i’m pretty and says it… even says it when it’s not true…I want a husband that shows some kind of emotion that says i matter to him. I even gave him a challenge to tell me “You’re Pretty” each day just once… i didn’t care if he meant it but i need to hear those words for the one person who matters. Not from guys in the store saying that and then asking if i’m married. I don’t want to keep living this way. We’re finally listing our house… we’re finally moving and all of a sudden it just all doesn’t matter to me. Heck even the kids don’t matter….. i mean i love them but yet all i want is for them to go away. They just seem to remind me that all i’m good for is sex and making babies and that’s it…. I’m not worthy of love or being cherished or anything.
And i guess that is why this is labeled Hopelessness….. I have no hope anymore.