Over the past three weeks i think i have learned who my real friends are. and it has made me so heart heavy!
So for the last 3 weeks only one person has called and checked up on me about all the crumby things that have happened while my husband has been out of town. One. *insert super incredibly sad face* Oh i’ve had many people ask how my husband is doing ….”oh hes doing fine.. stressed but fine.” And then went on to something else. Leaving me feel rejected and unlovable. Oh i know it could be the fact that i’m insanely tired, in tons of pain (dropped a tool box on my foot and then hit ankle on something metal and now that is swollen), depressed, and totally and utterly overwhelmed.
I would love to just pour out everything that has gone wrong in the past 3 weeks alone to someone and just know that i have that shoulder to cry on and know that they are there for me but i don’t have that. My mom has been staying with me to help out and to also sew my Halloween Costume. She has been awesome and though we had some bad moments we worked them out and kept going. But where are all those people that say they are there for me?
I told myself that i just need to break down and bawl my head off tonight and then go from there. Need to release some of this negative energy that i’m bottling up i guess.
I read dome verses follow a lady on FB that has daily inspiration posted and for a while it helped but now all i see is that i’m lost… I want God in my life…but i dont feel him in this area of my life and it hurts… oh how it hurts!! I feel like that baby animal that went around saying “Are you my Mommy?” but instead going “Are you my Friend?”
You know i could probably get through this is things in my marriage was great or even just good…. but they are not…things are crumby….i don’t know what i’m doing and where i’m going in that part of my life either I just feel so incredibly lost!!!!
I’m one of those people that i’ll sit down and tell you everything if you just give me a sign that you care and want to hear. But then i also talk too much when i’m nervous. I fidget and shift around when i have something to say but really don’t want to hurt people’s feelings and try to be quiet. I call myself all kinds of negative and ugly names when i start feeling bitter and angry… I now have no misgivings that i am not pretty… at all. Like seriously….I don’t see myself as pretty on the inside or the outside anymore. Maybe i have too high of expectations. Maybe i wanted too much out of marriage.
I just wanted someone that would be there for me, Stand up for me, Think and treat me like the princess God calls me, Someone that no matter how i looked thought i was Beautiful, Someone that wanted to b my teammate in everything including the whole parenting thing.
maybe i was just in fantasy land.. unrealistic.
Maybe counseling needs to be restarted up…..i have no idea anymore. Think i’ll go do that crying thing and go from there.