Lost and Rejection….

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   Over the past three weeks i think i have learned who my real friends are. and it has made me so heart heavy!

So for the last 3 weeks only one person has called and checked up on me about all the crumby things that have happened while my husband has been out of town. One. *insert super incredibly sad face* Oh i’ve had many people ask how my husband is doing ….”oh hes doing fine.. stressed but fine.” And then went on to something else. Leaving me feel rejected and unlovable. Oh i know it could be the fact that i’m insanely tired, in tons of pain (dropped a tool box on my foot and then hit ankle on something metal and now that is swollen), depressed, and totally and utterly overwhelmed.

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   I would love to just pour out everything that has gone wrong in the past 3 weeks alone to someone and just know that i have that shoulder to cry on and know that they are there for me but i don’t have that. My mom has been staying with me to help out and to also sew my Halloween Costume. She has been awesome and though we had some bad moments we worked them out and kept going. But where are all those people that say they are there for me?

   I told myself that i just need to break down and bawl my head off tonight and then go from there. Need to release some of this negative energy that i’m bottling up i guess.

   I read dome verses follow a lady on FB that has daily inspiration posted and for a while it helped but now all i see is that i’m lost… I want God in my life…but i dont feel him in this area of my life and it hurts… oh how it hurts!! I feel like that baby animal that went around saying “Are you my Mommy?” but instead going “Are you my Friend?”

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   You know i could probably get through this is things in my marriage was great or even just good…. but they are not…things are crumby….i don’t know what i’m doing and where i’m going in that part of my life either I just feel so incredibly lost!!!!

I’m one of those people that i’ll sit down and tell you everything if you just give me a sign that you care and want to hear. But then i also talk too much when i’m nervous. I fidget and shift around when i have something to say but really don’t want to hurt people’s feelings and try to be quiet. I call myself all kinds of negative and ugly names when i start feeling bitter and angry… I now have no misgivings that i am not pretty… at all. Like seriously….I don’t see myself as pretty on the inside or the outside anymore.  Maybe i have too high of expectations. Maybe i wanted too much out of marriage.

   I just wanted someone that would be there for me, Stand up for me, Think and treat me like the princess God calls me, Someone that no matter how i looked thought i was Beautiful, Someone that wanted to b my teammate in everything including the whole parenting thing.

maybe i was just in fantasy land.. unrealistic.

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Maybe counseling needs to be restarted up…..i have no idea anymore. Think i’ll go do that crying thing and go from there.

Frog

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No More….?

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So I used to be one of those cool Christians…. I didn’t shove the Bible down your throat, I didn’t point out others flaws i just really thought those flaws were none of my business, and i helped people…. oh man did i help people! I helped them to the point i let them destroy my teen years and some of my early adult years.

As the years have passed a strange thing has happened, I stopped being compassionate, i became more and more irritable around people.  When someone asked me to help them i started to look at them as a plague and not a person. I started to have a “NO MORE” attitude around everyone.

Whats funny is that i was watching Dr. Who with my kid (yes i watch it i still don’t agree with many episodes but i’ll watch some) and we came to the episode labeled “The Day of the Doctor”. The Doctor has a choice… kill everyone or let the whole thing blow up…not very good choices in my book. But he came to these choices as he said NO MORE to see everything falling apart around him. Like him i can put a finger on the day i stopped being compassionate to everyone. October 15th 2012.  I stopped loving people… i stopped loving myself….. and i didn’t want to deal with the reasons behind it “NO MORE”.

Some days… like today… I miss the old me. I do. I miss caring for people, I miss getting together with people, and most of all I miss feeling good about helping people and getting nothing in return. Now this woman i am is bitter, hates a good handful of her neighbors (specially that one that honks their horn at all times day or night), see people as “yeah you say just to call you for help but when that call comes it aint happening”, or seeing them as “i want to be your friend but i’m going to go do group gatherings with tons of other ladies and not even think about asking you if you want to join in”….I’m sorry that one really gets me…..

You know that’s the other thing i hate about myself now…it used to not bug me what others did… but now the almost constant Facebook montage of photos showing me that i do’t fit into any group of friends in any way just finally hit that button… and now i’m bitter… i hate people…. I seriously want nothing to do with them…. I don’t want to help people anymore since i know no one will really help when i need it.

Days like today all i want to do is complain (hence this lovely post) and cry “BooHoo to me and so on and so forth and etc.” I’ve become a horrible Christian… i say i’m working on myself but really I’m not sure if it’s working if the more i do these support and recovery groups make me hate people and myself more? Sure i don’t explode anymore really at my kids… but i think i’m imploding on myself more and that’s messing up my thought process.

Anyways a long post about nothing more then me complaining about me and the fact that i’m a bitter old woman that hates people. HAHHAHA!

Anyone else feel that way some days?

Frog