A Different Calling?

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   As some of you have read I’m a Christian… I try not to be an in your face kinda Christian so if you’re not up to reading about some thoughts on my Faith then read no futher. But if you’re interested here are some thoughts i had this weekend.

   A couple years ago my Life Group (Sunday School Class) did this survey/quiz type thing to see where you might be called or desire to serve. Now When I did mine i wasn’t shocked, it told me something that i always want to do and that was to be part of Hospitality. So i was thrilled!

   But as i tried out things in this area i found i forgot to do the tasks needed. So i thought that maybe being Hospitable in Church wasn’t my thing maybe i should do it in my home!

Now so that people reading this don’t go “oh she’s harping about yesterday” nope… this is something i wanted to writ about last week and didn’t get a chance. 

  Now I have tried doing get togethers and birthday parties in my home. But i seem to always forget one or two things that are vital. I’ll also forget to mingle with everyone….or my talking etiquette goes out the door. I’m from the North…we say what we mean and don’t mess around, unfortunately I’m now in the South and that doesn’t seem to fit a lot of people there. 😦 OOPS! On top of all of this i just can’t seem to pick good days…i pick saturday and that’s a conflict for 85% of people….i pick sunday same… friday…same. And on it goes.

   Now as i was contemplating this this last week I thought “Oh man, I just can’t seem to get this right! I thought i was called to do this!” I was growing more frustrated and angry and well bitter. But then yesterday I saw a quote from a lady i follow on Facebook and it remembered me about how i was reacting. And then another thoughts struck me. Maybe I need to rethink my “Calling” and look more at what i’m passionate about. Now I’m passionate about many things, like Art…I love Art! But i’m not good at it. I’m passionate about Reading and books, i thought about writing a book and even started to, but then i realized i kinda stink at that too. I used to write Poetry all the time and people did think it was good! But time moved on and it just seemed like i no longer had anything to write about.  Then thought working with kids would work…after a while i realized i was being used in that area and also using it to escape being in fellowship with God. OOPS!!

   So what is my calling? I’m not sure. With trying to move and also starting a business we’ll see where God wants me to be and if he wants me to be doing this business as well. This morning though i realized that when we went to see a finanical person that he said “if you ever start a business up give me a call and i can help you with the taxes on that.” and now barely a year later i’m doing just that…. is this what i’m supposed to be doing or is it just a step in the right direction? We’ll see!

And you know what? think i’ll take that quiz again…. maybe it’l shed new light on what i’m thinking…. Callings change… people change… and I think in the past 3 years i’ve changed a lot and some not for the good… It’ll get figured out eventually.

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Loneliness….

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   You know i’ve talked about my depression. It feeds this Loneliness feeling at times. It gets to the point where i don’t really feel depressed anymore just lonely. Which is weird… I’m never alone….I’ve always got my kids or husband around me if not them then friends ….and if I have none of those I’m still not alone as i have my Faith and know that God is with me.

But i still feel all alone and unwanted!!!!!!!!!

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   This passed few weeks i’ve felt like i can’t say or do many things right in other’s eyes…. many of my family and friends seem to be mad at me or tell me my opinions, thoughts, and dreams do not matter. Each time makes me want to go back into my shell and just curl up and not go out. I can be in a room filled with people and i feel utterly and desperately alone.

   I went to a gathering many weeks ago…my husband was off with some guys and i was kinda stuck being with the kids….only one person came up to me and engaged conversation…Others wanted me to come to them but i couldn’t… i had to watch the kids. So i spent most of the time on my own with only kids to talk with. When we left my husband seemed angry at me and i didn’t understand why and as we got going it seemed to get worse. I just couldn’t seem to get things right. I spent the time driving home crying quietly and no one knew.

            I’ve been trying to tell my family how i feel but i really don’t think they understand.

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   I’ve been praying a lot for a best friend…. someone that will be there for me…check in on me, lift me up, be real with me, hang out with me, ….you know all those things best friends are supposed to be?  and someone i can do the same for.  I have plenty of friends… and acquaintances but really i don’t have anyone that does the list above. And that of course doesn’t help at all.

  We’re still working on moving and i know that is wearing on everyone…. And now i’m trying to start up an at home business and I’ve kinda started to just throw all of me into that and just ignore all the anger and stares from my family…The only one happy to see me seems to be M. The other two are getting lose to those teen years so the hormones and testosterone is crazy. too.

So there you go… what i’m dealing with… it hasn’t been fun.

oh and if you do want to check out my business it’s on Facebook. Look up Glitz N Glam Texas (the mother company is in Florida)

Frog