Depression…. man, i can go weeks even months feeling “normal” and then BAM! I’m feeling like the world hates me and no one really wants to hang out with me…. again. I’ve been asked by Doctor’s and now some Counselors when i think it all began. Thinking on it at first i thought “well i’ve always had it”…then they made me just stop a moment and think…hmmm yeah no i think it was around the time of 3rd grade a lot of things happened during that year and after. Things that scarred me for life and things that just should’ve never happened. Though sometimes i wonder about 1st grade… to be honest i can remember kindergarten but first grade the only memory i have is of me crying in my mom’s arms saying “don’t leave me she’s so mean!” outside the classroom. So yeah i wonder. But then it could be i’m nearing 30 and just my brain going. ….Like now and me rambling about this instead of the topic.
You know there is a difference between sadness and depression. Depression is a sadness so deep and consuming that you can’t think or breathe without wanting to just end it..give up…throw in that towel. I’ve learned to shake it out of my head though. Going for walks, exercising, praying, reading and occupying my mind. Oh there are weeks where it grips me so hard i can’t shake it and normally those are the weeks that i close myself off from people more so then normal. There are different types of Depression too… most common is Seasonal (happens mainly during winter as things are dead and gray for so long it just effects certain people more so), then for ladies there is a depression that can take hold of us right before and during that horrible week for us. Then there is also a bunch of others out there as well… i highly recommend looking them up and seeing if maybe you fit one or more. Sometimes Doctors are quick to say it’s one type when it could be more.
It’s hard when you’re depressed and all you want to do is have fun or spend time with your kids and all you can do is think about is bad things. Then you think about all the things you’ve missed out on and again those feelings of failure and shame come up and it just makes it all the more difficult to crawl out of this horrible feeling.
Recently i got a whole lot of numbers from some awesome women that encouraged me to text or call when i felt this way… oh but man is it hard to pick up that phone and text those words to someone… “yeah hi i’m texting to tell you i can’t do this and i need someone to talk to because i’m a failure”. Oh i know that’s not the truth…but that is what my mind whispers to me and i just don’t want to feel that on top of my already messed up feelings so i just trying to do it myself. Which is bad… very bad! The more we try to do it ourselves the more we push the world and God out of our lives and say “i have to do it myself! No one can help me!” It puts strain on friendships and other relationships all together. I have now slowly started to just be real with my spouse… “Hunnie, I’m just feeling really down today”…you can’t believe how much of a break through that is for me!
I’m going to be real right here and right now….I have tried to hurt myself multiply times… one time i almost succeeded. And i want to say…if you are in that area… if you are hurting yourself, let me tell you something that i didn’t hear often enough…
Don’t do that anymore…you matter so much! I know you feel alone and lost and like there is no light at the end of the tunnel anymore…but listen to those of us that have been there and done that…you matter! You are loved! You are special and beautiful! There is only one you and the world would be a horrible place with out you! Hang on to someone…message me…seek council and help… oh there are just so many of out there that have been right there and we will reach out to you!
Depression is not a laughing matter, it’s something real…and dangerous… and horrible to deal with. Give someone a hug or just a couple of those words i wrote up there ….we could all benefit from those words being said to us on a daily basis.
These are just some of my thoughts on this matter… and some of what has gone on in my life. I hope to go back and touch more on these topics again as i get more comfortable writing and letting people know my thoughts.