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   So i got the computer for a while…With this moving thing the thing that frustrates me the most is that we are thisclose to listing our house….soooo close! But we need a contractor to help us finish two things so we can actually list. (mortgage lenders now have very strict rules and if wires are loose or a hole in the wall you can’t sell. well crud!)


I contacted 25….that’s right TWENTY FIVE COMPANIES!!! for quotes and seeing if they could get some of the work done for us. HA! many just ignored me, more said they were booked till the end of July, and one guy keeps telling me he can do it for a great price but won’t nail down a date…and he’s one of the companies that my realtor recommended to me!

We had thought we found someone willing to work with us…split payment and all but the guys came and knew nothing of painting, and didn’t bring any tools to do the project properly! I stopped them before starting to work and told them i was cancelling the job and to leave. Then began the conversation with the guy that was in charge and boy did he change from nice to mean in 3 secs!

You know i’m a pretty laid back person normally… i’m kind till things don’t add up and lately this is just annoying being told nope, sorry, forget it, sure i’ll do it but let me get back to you on that. Really? Really? I mean the tile that needs done will take a bit as once you put it on it has to set 24 hrs and then come back and finish it… but the painting is just like an hour at most and people wont do it… you would think they would be good with doing a quick fast pay job type thing. Guess not!


Normally i would be fine we’ll do it ourselves! but we have three kids and every time we start something they pull us away every 5 minutes… which with the tile you can’t do you gotta do it carefully and quick too so the stuff doesn’t dry before you put it up. So it would be better all around if we could find a person that could do it in one go and we manage the kids in the mean time. But it’s not happening and the kids go back to school in two months which means they probably will have to go back to this horrid school for a bit and move mid year. And that bites… no one wants to do that!


So for now our house is in chaos and moving is at a stand still with most stuff packed up and furniture started to move out but not really….which is making me want to pull my hair out as i can’t handle the way it’s set up and my brain is spazzing with it needing to be organized.

Anyways… anyone else feel this pain? or been through this? makes me want to go make cupcakes….. mmmm cupcakes. LOL!!



Moving Fun….

I have a ton of things on my mind but lately no time to write them on here as we’ve packed up our desktop and a ton of other things for the next month or so…. so i hope to post some stuff again soon, just need to wait till i can borrow my husband’s laptop for longer then 5 minutes or when we move and get desktop up and running again.

Thinking there are several posts about Kids and Summer coming up…. boy are there some things about those two subjects right now!


Ok getting glared at… time to go do that family time fun.



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   So today, on Facebook, Dave Ramsey’s page posted an article that i read and it sounded good… and then as i kept reading i just had this feeling of “wait, what? that ain’t right!”  (here is the article )

   Ok so it starts out about this slogan a company had… about how you don’t flirt when he looks good…but when you do.

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First off if you’re married you are to be only flirting with your spouse and she kinda makes it seem like it’s ok to just flirt with anyone. That makes me mad! If you flirt with a married person it is in NO WAY INNOCENT!!!!!! You hurt many people when you do that! You get the guy thinking about something else…. you tempt him! Of course you’ll be saying “well if he really loves her it won’t matter”…. ok if you dangle a steak in front of an animal long enough they are going to go for it. DUH! You hurt that wife… she starts to think about how unworthy of love she must be, how she must be ugly, how she must of messed up, and on and on it goes… the reverse can be said about men too…they worry about these same things! If there are kids involved they wonder too about how they must not have been good enough or done things right. NEVER FLIRT WITH A MARRIED PERSON!!!!  If a married person hits on you…shame on them and you tell them they are sick and go your way.(sorry pet peeve…stepping down from my soapbox)

  Then as you go on back to the article you read more about how you don’t do such and such if another person feels a certain way but when YOU do. Well wow… so i guess i shouldn’t take care of my kids unless i feels good? but then she puts a little spin in there about how that and some other things are supposed to be our responsibilities and need to do them despite how we feel… but wait…she just said…. I started getting confused at this point.

And then she goes back into talking about how we need to take care of ourselves and that it shouldn’t be a luxury item but a sure thing.


Oh yes we do need to take care of ourselves…but not to become happy… to to sit here and go “ok i’ll be happy if…” there is a lot of ways that can end badly. I grew up with that mind set…. things will make me happy no one else is going to make me happy… GOD doesn’t care if i’m happy…He’s an angry God…a Vengeful God….I can’t go to him for my happiness.

I’m finally learning that is not true… He is a Caring and Loving God… He is fair and just…yes things don’t make sense when they first happen sometimes but later on they will. There is that good and evil out there… we have FREE WILL granted to us…we can choose to be happy by things or be happy with moments and Faith.

Some of my happiest times are not with things but more with the memories i have with my kids… the little signs here and there that God IS there watching out for me….and with my spouse figuring things out together.

So i guess what i’m getting at is that sure yes we need to take car of ourselves like she said… but don’t make that you’re number one way to get your happiness as you’ll be really disappointed in the long run with that.

Anyways… just my thoughts on that….


Witchcraft and Magic….

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   I know some people will read this and get huffy and say i’m not right. But let me remind you that again this is not about anyone being right or wrong… it’s about me being able to write down my thoughts that bother me or just share something of myself and maybe touch someone that might be going through the same thing.

   So we’ve all been teenagers… or we are one now….but the point is when you’re a teenager you do things to learn for yourself what they might be like. Well witchcraft and magic was one of those things for myself. So let me tell you my background on it and a story-ish type thing… and i’ll put my 2 cents out there about what i think about it from there.

   So I grew up in a Christian home… everyone went to Church…everyone prayed at dinner… everyone knew that Jesus was the Son of God in our home. But there was some things lacking… and it sent me on a search.

   I found some people that i thought actually liked me…it was a lie of course and i know that now but then i thought it real. They were into drinking, sex, drugs, crazy enough praying, casting out demons, and making sure we all went to church. Crazy right? I wanted to fit in though so i started smoking, drinking, participating in “exorcisms”, and of course Church. Right before all this my mom had been in a car accident you know one of those ones you shake your head and go “wow and she lived??!” There were many things that happened that caused my heart to break and wonder if i was loved. So i hooked up with these guys.

   That summer i tried going and doing things my way…my Grandmother who was my best friend had just died….i was 15 yrs old…i was crushed! I hated the world…i was lost… i needed to grieve and didn’t know how. Unfortunately someone took advantage of that… and then another…long story short…i never went back there. But i looked for ways i could hurt some one. We had gotten a computer….it opened the world to me.

Now a bit more background… my father always told us… don’t mess with witchcraft and magic…you have no idea what you would be dealing with and you couldn’t stand the consequences. Back to the new awesome computer…i decide tha what he’s been telling me all my life is silly and not real, can’ hurt me right? So i surf and look things up… i read. i study. I’m an idiot. HA!

The week (mind you it was just one week) that i did all of this i  had nightmares… night terrors… whatever you want to call them i would wake screaming or couldn’t wake from dreams that felt like i was dying. One of these dreams still “haunts” me… in it i’m sleeping on the couch, an old relative of mine is there she’s staring straight at me from across the room, the look is like death itself. I look down and there is a book on the coffee table in front of me… it looks very old and ugly… i think it might have blood on it. Then she starts walking towards me and i can’t breathe…. she tells me to follow her and she heads up the stairs that are right beside me. I woke at this point screaming my head off and scary enough i’m sleeping on the couch and it feels like she’s still there! I think this is the one my parents come out to see what the crazy is going on.

At this point my Dad tells me who she is…what she was (a witch i guess) and that i should never follow her. At this point it all becomes very real to me. I stop everything and try my best to forget everything. But it’s left me with a problem. I no longer have this innocence that i had before. It’s hard to explain… but i can’t watch horror flicks anymore, I can’t watch a lot of real life actors playing around with magic and witchcraft as it makes me edgy and scared… i have nightmares that make Stephen Kings movies and books look like sweet fairy tales.

As i grew up i learned more…. the more you look at it there are two sides to every coin…there is good… and there is evil. I’m not going to quote scripture or anything like that… but i could….really though it boils down to this…if all the good in the world is done by God…doesn’t that mean that all the bad and seeing into things would be done by Satan?

  And i don’t know about you but i’m not mess with the one in charge of all the bad.

Not sure if this made any sense… or if it’ll help anyone… but it’s been on my mind all day and it just feels good to put it down and now i can walk away from it.



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   Moving…I love moving! No really i do! It’s like an adventure that isn’t overly dangerous. Moving can give you a new start and kinda clean out cobwebs that has formed from staying in a comfort zone. Oh sure it’s stressful and nerve-wracking. But I love packing up things, donating others, clearing off the walls, and getting ready to move on.


   I know it’s weird. My kids this last week have told me they hate it. HA! The only reason they hate it is because i packed up almost all their toys as they could not keep their rooms clean and refused to do chores when asked. But they are warming up to hopefully getting a place with a bigger backyard as ours is sadly lacking space for their activities they like to do.

   My husband did a lot of moving when he was younger so he’s not so thrilled about it as well. When i was little i hated staying in the one spot, I would get out and ride my bike for miles just so i could get away and have a change of scenery as we only moved once when i was little. After i graduated from High School we moved several times in just a couple of years (i think it was about 4 times), and i was amazed at how much i loved it!


   We then moved across the country and then moved once more and now been living here for just 7 years….I have been slowly getting more and more antsy at staying in one location. I know that once i’m where the Lord wants me i’ll have a sense of Peace about where we need to be. But for now he has given me the heart that is ready to move on without being too heartbroken. Don’t get me wrong I’ll miss my friends being near me, but will try and stay somewhat connected as much as possible.

  I love being out in the country but here there is the fear of poisonous snakes which is a higher nuisance out there. I’ve been in the city too and i don’t mind it for a little while anyways, but here in this area the houses are really close together and that bothers me a lot! I want some space from my neighbors…love them…but don’t want to look out my window and be able to see what they are doing!

   So we have been going back and forth with where we want to move to…we’re feeling a little lost and not sure about that anymore as the housing market is dwindling fast! It’s a Seller’s market as there is just not a lot of houses going up for sale. Many want the brand new building and that is just insane now in pricing. I love old homes more… so much character… the older they are the more they are built to last. These new ones are slapped together now with so little thought that as soon as you move in things are falling apart. Which is sad… what happened to old time craftsmanship? Where you took pride in what you made and made it right the first time?

   Anyways… i can’t wait to see what God has in mind for us…. it’s going to be fun to see where we end up and if it’s in town or in the country.


Just a little of what’s been on my mind lately….



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   Freedom. With saying just that word it brings soooo many pictures and visions to mind. With the saying of that word it has power…. Freedom of Speech, Freedom to assemble, Freedom to Fight!

   As a US citizen we have so many rights! Now wait… i know what you’re going to say “but… this group says this and that group says that…” “we don’t have freedom here”.  Compared to any other country we are FREE! I enjoy many of these freedoms… like right now writing this out, I’m free to do so! I’m free to homeschool my kids if i want to (did that for 2 yrs it was wonderful but life changed and it became not an option).  I’m free to go to Church and worship my Lord…. and many others here in the US are free to worship and praise their healer, lord, or whichever…I mean we have tons of Freedom here!


   But as i say all this… i wonder… is Freedom really Free? No. A picture jumps to my mind of a Soldier carrying another through landmines. It makes me cry every time i see a photo like that on Facebook or other social media. I think about the men and women that have died for this “freedom”, I’ve thought about the veterans that are still with us physically but have lost a part of them mentally and emotionally, I also think about the founding Fathers… these people… do they see a Freedom that is worthy of giving such a sacrifice? To be honesty i don’t think so.

   Look at the veterans…. they are on long lines for help and aid, they get paid peanuts, and some don’t even have homes anymore. How is this fair? How is this right? It’s not… but i keep hearing these words in my head…”This word and life are not fair and never will be…” Oh that hurts! And i’m sorry it’s that way.


    So for anyone that has served this country and is reading this….I’m sorry. I’m sorry you have lost so much time with your families…. i’m sorry you come back and no one cares for you…. I’m sorry that people show no respect to you and for what you do.

 From the bottom of my heart… I’m sorry.

Freedom… is such a powerful word….but it wouldn’t mean anything without the people that make Freedom possible.

Just a short little thing that i was thinking about today….



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   Ahhhh… Family. You know You can pick your friends…but you can’t pick your family. We’ve all heard that..and it’s true. But man someday’s i wish i could have! Today is one of those days.

   It hurts my heart that my family says they are Christians and then don’t even try to socialize with their own family but instead socialize and plaster all over Facebook and such about their In-laws and what fun they are having. Is it so wrong to want my Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and so forth to recognize me? It is too much to ask to have a happy sunny family that loves getting together and laughs and cries…and just shares life? I guess for mine it is.

   Some families think eh..i’ll send a card and a little money and all things are ok. Some just slowly push you away and fade into the background. Even more make a scene and tear each other down publicly and that’s just wrong!

   Not sure how it got this way but i just wish families could get a long….for that matter i wish i had more faith in the human race…but i guess i don’t see that happening anytime soon.

Just a short thing today…Just way too worked up and can’t seem to get these thoughts all straightened out.



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   Marriage is hard! Why didn’t anyone tell me this?! hmmm maybe they did and i thought ” of course it’s hard for you but it won’t be for me!” Yeah i was a naive little thing!


  My husband and i have been officially married now for 8 years! EIGHT YEARS! Good grief where has the time gone? We didn’t get a “Honeymoon” period at all… i was a single mom and at the time “J” was only 2 and a half years old… we had to jump right into the game. We did! We moved from Indiana to Texas and i was over the moon happy! I didn’t have friends there and there were so many bad memories that i was just excited to be rid of the place. I knew i would miss my family but didn’t realize how much! That first year of marriage was ok. We welcomed our second child, we moved, we found a babysitter in our area, you know that kinda stuff. The second year was the pits! My husband’s work needed him to travel and what was supposed to be a 2 month thing turned into a SIX MONTH thing… So for six months my husband was somewhere else….he came home for a few days once a month during that time. I learned to take care of the kids and finances the best i could… i did chores and just about  everything. I felt totally alone…like i was a single parent again…but i wasn’t. I was in this limbo of sorts trying to figure things out.


   Finally he came home for good and we got out of our rental and moved to where we are now… i thought hey everything is going to be awesome now! HA! oh man was i in for another kicker! Things fell downward fast after this. We resented each other for different things… he wanted susie homemaker…i wanted someone to be by my side and help me. He wanted to have another kid right away… i wanted to wait and get things figured out before that. The resentment built, anger simmered and then boiled. Words were yelled, doors slammed, and night where i slept on the couch because i didn’t want to be near this person. It got to a point where my health just started going down the tubes too… it was horrible. Then the lightning stuck… it was awful! I couldn’t breathe…. i wanted to throw up but couldn’t… my heart was ripped out of my chest…and then i said things i regret to this day but i wanted him to hurt! I wanted him to have his heart and mind to hurt as badly as mine did at that point and time. I took my ring off and told him “i’m done”. I was walking away i had my foot out the door but he pleaded for us to try again. I said i would think about it.


   A week later while he was on his what would be his last trip for quite some time, i was just broken down and didn’t know what to do. They had just started showing our Church service online and i hopped on there to watch hoping for some answers or peace of some kind. The guy in charge of it said “if you have anything you need special prayer for or need advice please feel free to message myself or one of the other hosts”. I did it…i sent a message saying what was going on and i just didn’t know what to do from there. He immediately messaged back and it lead to my husband and i sitting in his office, once he got back, listening to him and him to us… then he offered to help us with some counseling! Our church has a Counseling Center in it… and he hooked us up with them and we started attending. It wasn’t fun or pretty, She asked us hard questions and made us talk civilly to one another. During all this i got a kick in the stomach news that i needed to have a hysterectomy but we wanted one more kid… so we tried and tada!  Of course when you’re pregnant and trying to work through emotional things it’s bad. but it worked out fine, it took a long time, but we are finally on a good road.


   Now i share all this not to humiliate my husband or myself but to say “look this is how bad it was… this is where we came from..but this is not where we are at anymore.”  I think Hollywood has made it seem ok to divorce your spouse as soon as you have a little hiccup in your marriage or if you just “don’t feel in love” it’s ok to leave that union. It’s not ok… i mean that’s why the vows say what they say. “Not to be taken lightly” “Speak now or forever hold your peace” “let no man break apart” I mean these vows are serious!

   I do say there are things that warrant a divorce and i’m not here to point a finger and say “shame on you”, nope, not what i’m doing. I’m hoping that someone out there that is thinking about getting married see this and goes “man well am i really ready for this?” or maybe someone out there is going through a really hard time and maybe they need to hear this too. So that’s why i write this out tonight.

Now here is what i have learned. Marriage is work. You can’t just keep living the life you have been doing… now it’s time for you to think of the other person more then yourself. Putting them as number one in this relationship (if you are a follower of Christ, He should always be number one and then your spouse, just saying) and trying to learn that person. What makes them happy, sad, mad? Read the 5 Love Languages Book that is out there…umm another one is Love and Respect… and Fall in Love Stay in Love. All three of these books helped our marriage when it was falling apart… but maybe they can help someone out there before that point.


   Do not under any circumstance go into marriage thinking “oh that’s bad but i’m sure over time i can change that person”. NO! I’m sorry but all you will do is hurt yourself, that person, and the relationship will probably crumble. In a marriage you can only work and change YOU! that’s it… no one else. That whole free will thing… yeah that is totally there.

  Get into a support group of some kind. I think having a healthy support group of people is a good key for marriage too. If you go to Church look for a sunday school class, we call it life group, or if you don’t go to church find a Church that offers classes open to the public. I know ours has many classes, recovery groups, and so on open for the public… they just want to make sure you get plugged in or get help if you need it.

  Lastly… counseling! Very good thing to do before and after getting married. Even if it’s just for a Marriage Checkup. It gets that third person in there to help mediate and ask questions you may not have thought about. Look for a councilor that helps you but is not pushy, or lets one person walk all over the issue. Also be careful of those councilors that try to run your marriage for you. They are to give advice and steer both of you onto a more healthy path… not tell you how to live every day.

Again i hope this helps someone. I’m not an expert at all… i’m not a councilor..I’m just a woman that’s been there and done that and wants to share so it might help someone else out there.



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  Depression…. man, i can go weeks even months feeling “normal” and then BAM! I’m feeling like the world hates me and no one really wants to hang out with me…. again. I’ve been asked by Doctor’s and now some Counselors when i think it all began. Thinking on it at first i thought “well i’ve always had it”…then they made me just stop a moment and think…hmmm yeah no i think it was around the time of 3rd grade a lot of things happened during that year and after. Things that scarred me for life and things that just should’ve never happened. Though sometimes i wonder about 1st grade… to be honest i can remember kindergarten but first grade the only memory i have is of me crying in my mom’s arms saying “don’t leave me she’s so mean!” outside the classroom. So yeah i wonder. But then it could be i’m nearing 30 and just my brain going. ….Like now and me rambling about this instead of the topic.

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     You know there is a difference between sadness and depression. Depression is a sadness so deep and consuming that you can’t think or breathe without wanting to just end it..give up…throw in that towel.  I’ve learned to shake it out of my head though. Going for walks, exercising, praying, reading and occupying my mind. Oh there are weeks where it grips me so hard i can’t shake it and normally those are the weeks that i close myself off from people more so then normal. There are different types of Depression too… most common is Seasonal (happens mainly during winter as things are dead and gray for so long it just effects certain people more so), then for ladies there is a depression that can take hold of us right before and during that horrible week for us.  Then there is also a bunch of others out there as well… i highly recommend looking them up and seeing if maybe you fit one or more. Sometimes Doctors are quick to say it’s one type when it could be more.


  It’s hard when you’re depressed and all you want to do is have fun or spend time with your kids and all you can do is think about is bad things. Then you think about all the things you’ve missed out on and again those feelings of failure and shame come up and it just makes it all the more difficult to crawl out of this horrible feeling.

   Recently i got a whole lot of numbers from some awesome women that encouraged me to text or call when i felt this way… oh but man is it hard to pick up that phone and text those words to someone… “yeah hi i’m texting to tell you i can’t do this and i need someone to talk to because i’m a failure”. Oh i know that’s not the truth…but that is what my mind whispers to me and i just don’t want to feel that on top of my already messed up feelings so i just trying to do it myself. Which is bad… very bad! The more we try to do it ourselves the more we push the world and God out of our lives and say “i have to do it myself! No one can help me!” It puts strain on friendships and other relationships all together. I have now slowly started to just be real with my spouse… “Hunnie, I’m just feeling really down today”…you can’t believe how much of a break through that is for me!

     I’m going to be real right here and right now….I have tried to hurt myself multiply times… one time i almost succeeded. And i want to say…if you are in that area… if you are hurting yourself, let me tell you something that i didn’t hear often enough…

Don’t do that anymore…you matter so much! I know you feel alone and lost and like there is no light at the end of the tunnel anymore…but listen to those of us that have been there and done that…you matter! You are loved! You are special and beautiful! There is only one you and the world would be a horrible place with out you! Hang on to someone…message me…seek council and help… oh there are just so many of out there that have been right there and we will reach out to you! 

  Depression is not a laughing matter, it’s something real…and dangerous… and horrible to deal with. Give someone a hug or just a couple of those words i wrote up there ….we could all benefit from those words being said to us on a daily basis.


  These are just some of my thoughts on this matter… and some of what has gone on in my life. I hope to go back and touch more on these topics again as i get more comfortable writing and letting people know my thoughts.



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   You know i love my kids. I really do! But on days like today all i want to do is escape! I want to run away and be free to have fun or clean to my heart’s content without it being ruined 5 seconds later! I’m not sure if it matters what gender they are…but yeah i have 3 boys. They are awesome! Some days i wish i had a daughter so i wasn’t so outnumbered but i think God knew what he was doing when he gave me nothing but boys. I was a tomboy growing up and only now am i starting to get “girly” but i will still look up a cool new bug, read stories about sharks and dinosaurs, and play with Legos.


    If you didn’t know this then beware… there is NO PAIN LIKE STEPPING ON A LEGO PAIN! No i’m dead serious here… those things are evil! There is a comedian that does a shtick about them…look up Tim Hawkins and Legos. Hilarious! … and unfortunately TRUE! Now see my boys get Legos every year for birthday and Christmas, this past weekend i packed up every last Lego i could find and put it in and box and taped it shut… i told them that that box is now set for moving and they could not open it. Funny but i was cleaning today and found another handful of LEGOS! They are everywhere! My kids think it’s funny and that i’m a horrible parent for packing their Legos up. I think i’m super smart as this is the first time we are moving and have to sell a place first and i just can’t keep up with them and get this place in shape…so every toy but 3 for the older ones and a handful of toddler toys were packed up and set aside. YAY! Less cleaning! HA! Walked into the living room this evening and the toddler had destroyed all my work and the older ones just sat there and watched!


     I love my kids… i can’t say that enough! But i seriously wonder if they sit down and plot how they are going to drive me crazy! I have my oldest “J” who is nearing those “teen years”, I have “E” who is just a couple years behind “J” and has anger issues (my own fault), and then we have “M” who is the toddler….and lets just say the other two were a breeze compared to him! Don’t let the cuteness fool you! He has a destruction rate of an EF5 Tornado and a mean streak like that of a Rattler! But i wouldn’t trade him or his brothers for anything. They brighten my life and make me think outside the box. They make me stay spontaneous and remember to have fun with people, because i have a bad mindset of people i would rather sit down with a book and read for hours on end, they remind me to not sit there but go!

    But sometimes i wonder if i’m doing this parenting thing right. All these new rules about “oh you can’t discipline your child that way!” or “why would you let your child do that?” just make you feel like a failure 100% of the time! There is just no real winning! I don’t give my kids a lot of chores… i don’t even really give them daily chores. I usually end up saying on some random day “hey can you go clean your room please?” which 2 hours later turns into “i asked you to clean your room nicely now get in there and clean!” I’m trying to work on this as i want my kids to know that there are things they must do on their own, no one is going to hand them anything. But then i want them to know that they can ask for help and receive it …at least from me.


     Finding that healthy balance is hard! Right now i’m reading some books that are helping me and they are all by the same person…First one was Made to Crave, second was Unglued, and Third (which i have ordered but have read the first chapter and it’s awesome!) is the book called The Best Yes… all these books are written by Lysa TerKeurst. She is an amazing writing..mainly because she is real. She is a Christian writer…. but i have heard from non Christians that they even like them. So i highly recommend checking them out. (i wasn’t paid to say that either!) Parenting is hard and i’m just glad i found something that clicks with me and seems to be helping me find that healthy balance.

    So if you have ever sa there and wondered “wow this kids are driving me crazy!” don’t worry you’re not alone! Our kids are Blessings….but they sure can toe that line!

  I hope this helps someone!