Christianity or Discipleship….


Ok i know that this is one of those controversial topics… and you know what…this is what i think and how i feel. I don’t want to get in a fight all i want to do is write out how i feel about this and have it there for someone if they are feeling the same way. (little note: if you leave a vulgar and just down right nasty comment on this it WILL be deleted or flagged.  You can have your opinions but nastiness will not be tolerated!)

When i was a little girl i heard the stories, sang the songs, did the plays, even went and got baptized. But i believe i truly did not know what that meant at that time. I think i was just wanting to make people happy…. I looked around and saw the two-faced people, the liars, the pornography junkies,  thieves, and so on still doing all this stuff but calling themselves Christians. I was so sickened by this i turned my back a total 180 degrees and said “i’m not a Christian anymore! I don’t want anything to do with them!” And for a while i felt that was right… but i still felt empty and alone. I tried dating “Christian” men and they treated me like dirt…worse then dirt. So i tried dating the opposite…guess what? They treated me so horribly i just wanted to end it.


     But through it all i still yearned for something… anything… that would make me feel loved again. After 7 years of abuse from the men population i said “NO MORE! I’m not dating, i’m not looking!” But it didn’t last. I thought a man was what i needed. I finally found a wonderful man and he’s an amazing husband and father to my kids. But that’s a different story.  I met a guy that invited me to a more upbeat Church and it just so happened to have service on my one free night and so i went… i liked the feel of it and the times fit for my work. I started going without him and just went for myself… i was looking and searching… i knew my life had to mean something and that someone had to care.  In the course of that year i gave myself back to God and thought it’ll be better now. HA! I keep forgetting about that verse that PROMISES hardship when you are a Follower of Christ.


       About 6 months later i marry my husband and we have our first child together. (During all this i was a single mom of a toddler) We also moved from Indiana to Texas….I was so excited to get out of Indiana that i didn’t stop and think of what it would be like to have no family or friends around. That first year was hard… like oh man what have we done hard! I found myself slipping back into old ways and becoming resentful and bitter and just down right mean! The Church we were going to had a good service but had nothing to help us get into it more so…no bible studies, no sunday school classes, and most of all they had no resources available to us when our marriage started to falter. It wasn’t for us. At this time a friend invited us to her Church and i started attending and took my husband as soon as he got back from a business trip. We liked it. We’ve been going now for almost 4 years and it feeds us and we’re learning a lot. Not only that but it has helped us stay married.


       This Church has helped me realize that i can’t keep looking at what other people are doing with THEIR walk.. I got to look at mine and go “am i happy with what i’m doing? am i showing the example that i know i should?” There was a lesson that was given and it talked about how “Christian” is only used 3 times in the Bible…but “Disciple” is used many times. In the Bible most people called themselves Followers of the Way or Disciple and only people that didn’t know what was happening called them Christians. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. I mean really anyone and everyone can call themselves a Christian, goodness i’ve heard stories of businesses and people doing just that so they can become rich! But can we call ourselves a Disciple? A teacher? A Follower of the Way? What do our actions say?

Don’t get me wrong…doing the right thing is hard…specially in this time of craziness. I’m not saying we need to be perfect…only one person is perfect and he died for us. i’m saying i want for myself to try my best to do the right thing and lean on a person that loves me unconditionally and asks for nothing in return but my trust and faith in Him…. wow. I want to be a teacher to my kids…that times are going to be hard…but we can make it good or we can sit and wallow in our misery. I want to teach my kids that God is a loving and kind person and not someone that sits there and hates you and does things to you to make life harder on purpose….

Maybe none of this makes sense… maybe i’m just rambling on and on… but hopefully someone reads and goes… wow yeah that!





Let me say… Anxieties are one of those subjects that people will sit there and say “oh just get over it! You are totally faking it!” To which i say hush up unless you have actually experienced having an anxiety attack i don’t want you’re opinion.


   This is a very touchy subject for myself, personally, as I had fears…i was and still am afraid of the dark, heights, and planes. But 4 years ago while i was driving i had a major muscle spasm…scared me bad as it made me feel like i was having a heart attack and like i was going to pass out and never wake up. Then just 4 months later i get in a wreck… you know one of those stupid ones where you think “going to beat that light!” and so does the other person and BAM! Unfortunately i had my two oldest in my car with me at the time with both of these things and now if i’m by myself or just me and my kids I will have major anxiety attacks while trying to drive. I used to be able to drive all over the place and take myself to things and be FREE!! Now i depend on my husband a lot for getting places..and happy pills so i don’t go over the imaginary ledge.

Classics are the BEST!
Classics are the BEST!

It’s amazing how driving went from my thing for feeling free and calming down and just sheer enjoyment to my prison, cage, curse, and terrifying experience. To make this even worse i started having eye issues…i go to the eye Dr. and he informs me that i have Glaucoma…WHAT?! I’m not even 30 yet? How can this be? I thought this was something for when you were in your 60s or so? Apparently it’s a hereditary thing and can show up whenever it likes OR show up super early due to trauma. Well my grandpa on my dad’s side has it…yay me! So to add to my anxieties as night falls i can’t see well to drive. The darkness and the fast motion makes it hard for my eyes to focus 100% of the time and sometimes i have to close my eyes or i’ll get a massive headache.

At this time my husband is traveling a lot for work and i start having these weird chest pains that take my breath away, sometimes they are so bad i can’t catch my breath and start to hyperventilate. Then a sensation of the room spinning and then slowly getting dark starts and then i’ll snap out of it heart racing and feeling like i just came out of a short nap/fog. I couldn’t even begin to guess what this was and the Dr.s just kept saying it’s in my head and started labeling me as a Hypochondriac and shoving me off to the side. I go to a new Dr. and they say the same thing and write that nasty word down again. I finally got up the curage and told my Chiropractor what i was experiencing and he was like “well duh! you’re having anxiety attacks!” What? That’s a real thing? Funny that normal Dr.s had no idea what was going on but my “CHIROPRACTOR” did!


    So i finally found a Dr. this last year that was nice and kinda in my face about some of my health things.

1. He gave me happy pills…nothing major…actually the smallest dose you can be on. and that seemed to take the edge off.

2. He pointed out that yeah i need to loose weight but here is how you can do that, first one to actually give me a plan to follow, all the others just said “do it” and then sent me on my way. (btw i’m down like 40lbs since going to him and though it’s kinda stopped i know that’s on me as i have been cheating on this plan OOPS!)

3. he pointed out if i get some of my health things under control and work on them they may go away or at least get better.

Finally someone that takes their job to heart and helps and gives you the tools to succeed!

In the past year my anxieties have been getting better though, I’m starting to tell myself things like “you can do this, just like riding a big bike” , “doesn’t’ matter who is driving,bad things can and will happen while you or your husband drive so might as well get out there” …you know a little pep talk before i get in the van. Now that we are trying to move again it has made me wonder…will this make my anxieties better or worse? I’m i going to find excuses to stay in my home and not leave? Am i going to drive my husband crazy with all these requests to drive me places? Will i loose friends due to these nasty little worries and panics? (Actually i think i’ve lost quite a few so far…not sure if this is the reason or what but yeah)

I’m not on here to give awesome advice… I’m not on here to get tons of followers or anything like that. (if i do hey that’s cool!) I’m on here to have something to write down my thoughts, concerns, and just what is going on in MY life…and see if maybe someone needed to see they are not alone.

Anyways… that’s a little bit about me and those nasty anxieties….. you know… i hope someone reads this and says “hey that is so me! I’m not alone! yay!”


Kids and School Part 2….



     Ok so while i’m dealing with all this stuff with my oldest son, I also have to opposite problem with my middle child. Let’s say his name is “E” and he is one of those shy, quiet kids that is polite and really tries to be good when away from home. Then he gets home and is talking a mile a minute jumping on furniture, and terrorizing his older brother to the point i’ll have to send him to his room for a while.


      Now see “E” is a really good kid but him and his brother “J” have the same problem, they give in to peer pressure very quickly and i worry about this. In this past year “E” has slowly gotten out of his shell at school, he participates, he volunteered to do a dancing part in the school performance, he even went and said the Pledge of Allegiance over the loud speaker! I’m very proud of him for doing these things. BUT! On the other hand he also got in trouble for swearing in class, hitting a kid, and has come home wanting to play these new demonic games. I worry about him!


      This kid is academically soaring, but socially not so much so we had him repeat Kindergarten and he finally went on to First Grade this year. We got a TON of flack from the school when we held him back. We put it like this “he is the youngest in his class and though yes he is doing great academically he is struggling socially and we worry that it will just get harder for him we want to hold him back one year so he is then closer to the older side of the kids in his grade, and to be honest we have a letter from a non-school counselor that recommends just this” So at this point they have too and then just ruffles their feathers. So because he’s doing so well they recommend putting him in the step up Math and Reading program to challenge him. We do so and he seems to do just fine. This year we are asked again if we want to put him in that program, we decide to ask him what he would like to do and he says “no i don’t want to do this at all!” So we tell them thanks but no thanks this year. The teacher is confused and wants to know why. I tell her that we don’t want to force him into these classes, he’s only in first grade! They back off.


      But now i’m wondering if it was the right move as he seems bored and that’s why he’s getting into more trouble this year. When we told him we are moving he was super excited! Now he realizes that he wont see his friends really anymore as we’re moving several towns away. He’s kinda bummed! But he wants some more space and i think he wants to move to a different school where they don’t know he had to repeat a grade.


   SO i find myself with these two polar opposites in the school and life areas and some days i’m just not sure how to deal with them fairly. Really there is no fair way, “J” has his things and “E” has his things and to throw into the mix we also have “M” who is just a toddler and he has HIS things! All this craziness for school and life….. but really….i would change it…not one little bit.


Kids and Their Schooling Part 1…


Kids….oh man, kids are a Blessing, a joy, wonderful, awesome, fun, entertaining, ummm annoying, frustrating, and oh my goodness what in the world have you done!? Wait… what? Yeah Everyone is so fast to tell you the good things about kids…. or they are even faster about telling you the bad things about kids. What if we sat down and talked about BOTH? Kids are one of those subjects that seems to be a rabbit hole in the media. The more you try to talk about it the further you dig into the ground and can’t get up. I have no wants to talk about that kinda stuff. Here all i want to do is talk about my struggles i have and maybe someone else is having them too or have been down this road and can give me advice.


So… my oldest child, let’s just say his name is “J”, struggles academically. He is super smart, but for him writing and reading are really hard for him. Last year he was in Third Grade and had an amazing teacher…but he was pulled out for an hour each day to work more one on one. This year they did away with that and introduced inclusion for the Special Education program. We said well we can’t change it but we can observe and see how this goes. So we have. His main teacher and his help teacher are pretty good. The help teacher has been with him a couple years now and knows him and his study habits…i think she’s pretty awesome. The main teacher is ok…just that she helps and guides and teaches…but no extra mile or outstanding communication skills. When i pointed out that the Spelling was not going well at all we sat down and modified it to where it was challenging him but not a frustrating struggle. I liked that about her.

Now they have the kids start have a second teacher for a couple classes in fourth grade (this floored me…i didn’t start having 2 teachers till 7th grade) So for math and social studies “J” went to yet another teacher… this teacher did not communicate with me at all through out this year, when we tried to talk to her she just brushed it off with “i’ll send more practice home”. On top of that in Math at half way he was getting Fs on his progress reports….but still no communication from her. It’s now the end of the year and i can’t even look at her as i’m just so upset with how she just will not talk to me. But it’s not just that the fact that the Special Education program continues to ignore the fact that my son was improving so much last year and then this year it was barely a move up, they still want to call that progress and that they did their job.


Yesterday i went to the annual ARD meeting… it’s a meeting Special Education kids’ parents go to every year so the school can point out what they did, the kid’s progress, and what they plan on doing for next year. Now they ask the parents if this is ok and if they agree with this, and a lot of times i don’t and i voice that, but really they don’t want me to say anything so they can go on and leave for the next thing. Well i threw them for a loop. They opened up and they said that this lady here is also from the main office and needs to talk to me and i said “that’s great because i have a few things to say too and it’s good she’s here” She opens up and tells about how every 3 years kids have to be reevaluated and so on and so forth….and then i say “we’re moving out of your school district”. Everyone stops. They are all looking at me, i don’t do good with this kind of situation but i’m going to wing it. I tell them that the Help teacher has done a wonderful job but we’re frustrated, last year “J” did such an amazing improvement and then this year you dump on him a change in classroom settings, a new system of how he gets his help, and on top of that you do all of this on a year that you totally change up the Learning Curriculum for the state. This wasn’t well planned or thought out… i think this was too much change for him and it shows in his grades and attitude.  I tell them the schools we are looking at as that question was voiced by the Vice Principal….HAHA! Guess they want to know who their competition is!  I did slip and say we are also spending so much time there that it just makes sense. Of course they grab onto that and tada it’s no longer their fault. *sigh*!!!!

Then i mention the teacher (who was not even there) that i’m having problems with and noted the reason why. It was acknowledged but nothing more. Wonderful. So 45 minutes later my two oldest are on their way home and i’m not there so i’m running out of the school to get home and they are there already and thankfully they are not freaking out. I left that meeting feeling somewhat defeated and going over it again and again going “man they turned a lot of the problems onto me and they didn’t own up to really any of them”. It just seemed to validate our move more. Though we’re not naive and think it’ll be sunshine and roses there either but maybe just maybe the set up might be a little better, and there might be more caring and devoted teachers at the next place.

Do It!

Which gets me to the point of….if you are looking to move and want to know how the school’s special education program is, there is no way that i can tell to find out without getting bias opinions. You have the school grades online that you can find easy…for general teaching. I have looked on the net for any type of hint at how the teachers are with it, both normal and help teachers. I have a couple friends that have kids in the system and have pointed me to schools…but i’d love to get more advice..more opinions as to which schools really would help and love my kid and not just see him as a number.

It’s just all a bit overwhelming and scary….but it’s totally worth the hassles and fights, because my kid is totally worth it.


In The Beginning….


Wow, it’s been 3 years since i tried doing a “blog”. What is a blog anyways? To me a blog is a live journal where anyone can read it and put their opinions on it. Which kinda appeals to me. I love to journal but ofttimes i forget or walk away thinking i don’t need to anymore. But really when you’re someone like me you need to journal daily, to put thoughts and words that swim around all day in your head on something so you don’t go crazy.

So… In the beginning, there was just me. Putting down my thoughts and seeing if it’s any good.


Maybe what i’ll type out every day will touch someone that needs to know they are not a lone out there. Of course if you get on Facebook then you know you’re not alone…physically anyways. But don’t all these social media sites just leave you feeling drained and emotionally alone? Don’t we all crave those old fashioned friendships? I know I do! If i look at my phone call history the last person to actually call me and want to talk was…..*looks it up* my husband. Before that it was my son trying to get me to bring his lunch he forgot (again) to school. And even before that it was my mom. My call history is filled with companies wanting money or offering services….or close family calling and asking for something.  Every once in a while i will get an awesome call from a friend and they’ll want to do something and i’m just over the moon excited about that!

But here’s the problem… it’s not just my friends that hardly ever call, it’s me as well. “Life is so busy”, i say and keep on moving and going and stay in this tiny little world i have created for myself. Stay home, do some kind of house work, watch toddler and put him down for naps, stay home some more and wait for older kids to get out of school and come home. Then the fighting and refereeing begins and things are forgotten and in walks my husband into all this from a long day at work. By the time we get all things done and get the kids to bed we’re exhausted!  Do we sit down and talk to each other to recharge and get that “Oneness”? Nope! Very rarely do we get that talk time in, instead we plop down on our bed with our electrical devices and surf the endless internet and social media sites.

And here’s a kicker, i have soooo much to do around the house, but i look at everything and it just looks so daunting and just not accomplish-able that i’ll switch off the lights, go to my room, and again pull up to that electrical device and surf. I want to see what other people’s lives look like, it’s got to be better then mine……right? WRONG! So much drama everywhere. Typed out for the world to see. Then i realize am i any better? Nope! I’ll type out and complain about the teachers and school staff at my kids’ school, I’ll complain about how something isn’t fair, or i’ll just type nonsense from my day. Like right now we took in a kitten that shouldn’t have been away from it’s mom, so my posts are filled with it or my kids and they’re craziness. Today i posted about how hard it was to wake up this morning…but then a half hour later i post about how today is my husband and i’s Anniversary. Just silly things!


      I would love to get back to old fashion relationships. But in this day and age it’s just not going to happen, media is just too in your face and everywhere. But maybe I could be more intentional about MY relationships and pick up that phone and call someone…….or maybe just send a text.