At It Again…

Sorry it’s been so long! We have had a harder time finding internet service at the new place. We’ve been settling down and slowly making the place ours.

I have to say that life is pretty darn good right now! It still has it’s hard spots but I’ve been working hard on looking at things the way Jesus does. God gave me this gift and I don’t want to take it for granted anymore.

I’m still learning a lot about myself and working on some of my insecurities. I’m also learning how to set healthy boundaries for my own wellbeing. Which is hard because others see it as I’m just trying to be a jerk and I don’t care about them. So not true! I’m setting these because I love them! I’m also learning that there are some that I have to love from a distance…. I love them but they are too toxic or violent to continue to have them close to me or my family.

I’m learning to let go… I’m not going to hang on super tight to things and relationships anymore.. I’ve realized that I’m looking too hard at relationships for my self worth. So I am looking for a new balance of give and take. I’m not perfect I struggle hard with not feeling wanted and so I don’t try as hard as i should sometimes to be there for others. But I’m working on it.

A verse that is currently working to restore my faith is John 8:36. God sent Jesus to set us free… He sent Him to set ME free!! Recovery has helped me come so far… this verse goes right along with it…. and so for my birthday I did a thing… I got a tattoo! It incorporates my family, recovery, and God’s promise. It’s not done but it’s looking awesome.

The diamonds are for my family… my treasures. The circle is for the craziness of addiction and abuse… it’s broken because I have decided to break it. The open rose for the growth I’ve made and the closed one for the growth to come. The butterfly stand for grace, beauty, and freedom. And of course the verse is in the center. Still have some colors to add but yeah.

I’m still a work in progress and I’m going to mess up but I’m going to work hard anyways.

Thanks for reading!




A while back i was really broken. I’m still very broken…. I joined a recovery program called ReGeneration, Faithbased 12 step program. I hear it’s starting up in many churches, so if you’re in need google it! See if one near you is starting it up.

We’ve been having a ton of things come up recently. It’s been a struggle with my middle one acting out at school and needing help so much.  Then the youngest regressed in potty training, had him all good and then bam “oh i don’t want to go potty in the potty”.  Then on top of that my oldest has discovered girls and they’re not that gross, but also wants to act out and misbehave.  To top off the stressful “sundae” of fun… we’re moving again.  There will be new stresses but I’m very hopeful that this will be our last move.

Normally I’d be freaking out about now and a crazy wreck… but I think working on my during this time has really helped to tone down the crazy. Ha! So I’m going to stick with it! I’ve commited to this adventure till Janurary! We’ll see how it goes. I’ll try and blog more but it may have to wait till after the move…

I hope you all are doing well!





I struggle. I have struggles.

One of them is that I’m scared that I’m not in the “right religion”, or that “I didn’t do it right”, or “that I’m just not good enough”. I thought I had worked through this fear and had given it to God and worked past it, but apparently not.  See, satan likes to pick up things we “THINK” we’ve worked through and say “hey, let’s rock the boat today!”

This last week was one of those times. Bringing all of this to the front. But God knew and reached down, giving me verses to His promises and how I can be confident.

First of all, Salvation is easy!! Seriously…. John 3:16-17 says it all…

16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.

That’s it? You just have to know Jesus is God’s son? And believe that He came to save the world? Really?

“to give his people the knowledge of salvation
    through the forgiveness of their sins     Luke 1:77

When the teachers of the law who were Pharisees saw him eating with the sinners and tax collectors, they asked his disciples: “Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?” On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners. Mark 2:16-17

Ok, confess our sins and know we are sinners? But still…. that’s it? (another good verse on this is Romans 10:8-11) but what about good works?

Dear friends, you always followed my instructions when I was with you. And now that I am away, it is even more important. Work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear.  For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.   Philippians 2:12,13

So if we truly believed then our actions would show this by wanting to do good? But what is I mess up and stumble?

18 And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[a] I want to do what is right, but I can’t. 19 I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. 20 But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.   Romans 7:18-20

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.   James 5:16
That’s it.  You Believe, Confess, Repent, and Work to do Good for God. And there is nothing that can take our salvation away!
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.    Romans 8:37-39
That last one is just so powerful!!  NOTHING…. NOTHING!!…can take away that peace, that love!
There are so many religions out there… I have to say that live off the fact you have to work crazy hard at being good enough, or you have to meet a “quota” in order to be accepted… I’d rather not do that. I don’t want to spend all my life wondering if I met that number or was good enough.
As I’ve told people before… I’d rather for the one that promises everything for just a little…that tells me no matter what I do I’m going to be loved and be held and be safe in this life and in the next….with no strings attached.
That… is why I love Faith Believers, not just “christians” but True 100% Followers of God. I’m not good enough, there are no gimmicks, no matter my past, I’m in. He wants me. I can’t loose it.  I love that Peace!
I just wanted to share that. I don’t like being pushy of my Faith, because really, either you want it or not, but I wanted to share what it all means and how and so on.
And satan can take his tricks and stuff them!! God’s  got this!!





Conviction: Definitions

1 a formal declaration that someone is guilty of a criminal offense, made by the verdict of a jury or the decision of a judge in a court of law.

2 a firmly held belief or opinion.


When I first learned of convictions, it was confusing. Because the world says one thing, and the Bible reads in a different way.  After looking at different verses, I think 1 Thessalonians 1 talks good about some too. But I also found:

Romans 14:22 [Full Chapter]

So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who does not condemn himself by what he approves.
See I always thought that if someone had a “conviction” it meant that we all had to share in it, we all had to follow it.  If you read the whole chapter of Romans 14, they go other what the Bible says about this matter.
But those two definitions… I think they go hand in hand really. If we are true Believers of Christ then we admit that we have sinned (guilty of a criminal offense), and know that we need a Savior.  Our sins give us a light to our convictions. If we had/have a problem with drinking then our conviction may look like not going to bars, or being around alcohol.
So when i posted yesterday about this with music, I’m convicted to not listen to certain kinds of music, does that mean others can’t listen to it? Nope, it means “I” can not listen to it.
Convictions are God’s way to talk to us about how to go about changing our lives from the sinful old way, to the new peace filled wonderful life. We all seem to forget that we’re all broken, we all have a path to follow, it’s up to us and God what it looks like.
I’ll use myself as an example again, here are some of my “convictions” or “sins” i need to stay away from:
  1.  Social Media (i get so jealous, envious, and so on if I’m on there. This posts my blog but otherwise i’ve cut out social media)
  2. Secular and Country Music (i struggle with depression, for me these do not help with that)
  3. Sexy rated R Movies (i struggle with lust, watching these are not a good idea for me)
  4. Alcohol and Smoking (yep used to do both, i started drinking again, i realized this was very bad and making all the other issues way worse, I personally have to just stay away)

These are just a few…. and they can change too, maybe we don’t need that guardrail any more? That’s awesome!  I don’t like saying no to these things, but I also know that if I do that God is going to hold me up and say “Good for you!” This things here also show me how much I still have to work on and I’m so glad I have my recovery group to be there and help me through it all!


Convictions don’t have to be scary, they don’t have to be bashed over heads. They are there for those of us that want to truly better ourselves.

What are your thoughts on it? Do you have some?

Anyways, praying for you dear readers!


A Playlist…



Lately when I read or first wake up I turn on my favorite playlist. To get me going first thing I have the songs that make my soul sing to the Lord. These always help me to wake up but also to start my day. I thought I’d share them with you:

  • Reckless Love, by Cory Asbury
  • God is on the Move, by 7eventh Time Down
  • I feel so Alive, by Capital Kings
  • Just Hold On, by Citizen Way
  • Sparrows, by Jason Gray
  • Mended, by Matthew West
  • Adventure, by Matthew Parker
  • Electric, by Manic Drive
  • Making Me New, by Royal Taylor

I have tons more on there by really good artists, but these are my top ones! And there’s a little for everyone too…. My kids love that I do my best to put different styles in there (we listen to it in the car too). So we have some alternative, hard rock, rap, contemporary, and some “techno”. These are all Christian artists. Ones that I have looked up and said “yeah, let’s follow their music and see how it goes”.

Reckless Love is beautiful… i just can’t get it out of my head, God is not going to let anything stand in the way of HIS love to us….He’s going to leave the 99 that are safe and come and get us that are lost and searching and bring us home.

I can’t play music, the notes always confuse me to pieces. I did try playing the Flute for a while in school but it just wasn’t me. I love to sing but again my voice is not awesome, HA! But in the mornings it doesn’t matter, It’s just between me and God…well and my toddler, but I sing at the top of my heart. Music has always moved and talked to me in a special way.

When I was struggling with my Faith and living in sin as a teen and young adult, I listened to whatever I wanted to. Thinking that it didn’t matter, it wouldn’t affect me. But for me (this is where convictions come in, talk about this tomorrow) I can’t do that. I love all kinds of music but because it speaks to my heart so much, I have to be stern with myself and stick with Christian music for the most part. I’ll still listen to songs from my youth growing up but before I do i put a guard up around my heart.

I have to do this with books too. Which makes me a little sad but the benefits are so much better for me if I listen and obey about this.

Anyways,  I hope you give the songs a try, maybe you’ll like them. Maybe you’ve already heard them. You can find all of them on Youtube or Spotify.  Just wanted to share a bit of myself with these.



To Do, Or Not…



God is showing me that I need to wait on Him. I don’t want to settle anymore. Why would I want to settle with just getting by when He has sooo much better waiting for me? All I have to do is reach out, and strive for listening to the Holy Spirit. I mean…it’s that easy! Then why do I make it so hard? Why do I always seem to take the easy road? Why do I just “settle” when I know that’s not what I want?

That brings to mind the verse I love hearing and reading…

Romans 7:15-20 New International Version (NIV)

15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

Even Peter…one of Jesus’ main 3 friends, prophets, disciples, struggled with this. God knew we would still struggle, just like Peter, so He made sure to have this verse written just for us.

Even as Believers, we strive for what is good, right, and the truth, but we still live in this world where sin dwells and tempts us. To me this verse isn’t saying I have a free pass to just go ahead and “do it” but reminding me to be more on guard for these things, and not to be too hard on myself when I mess up.

Jesus knows what temptation, and this world is like. He lived here. He laughed, cried, and loved. Not in a romantic type…but He loved his family on Earth, He loved his friends. He is such a good example to me about how to love others, even when they or myself mess up.  We are called not to judge, that’s God’s job.  I’m learning that I don’t want to do God’s job, it’s hard, it’s stressful, it can make you physically sick.

Nope I’m happy I don’t have to do His job.

This verse…. it reminds me to be honest with myself. So I’m going to keep working on things like:

  • Daily Bible Reading
  • Nonstop Prayer
  • Not letting Food control me
  • Putting a better filter on my mind
  • And Loving Others Better

That last one is really hard right now. I so want to get to know and love some amazing people. But I’m still hurting and it’s made me a little hand shy… But! I’m going to work on it!

If you take anything away from this…know this. True Believers…they are all those things of loving, nonjudgmental, giving and so on….but are not perfect! They’re the ones that are open about how broken they were, their actions match with their words, but most of all when they mess up they are quick to ask for forgiveness.  Don’t listen to those out there that say you have to be a certain way!! Jesus said to “come as you are” so never let how you look, where you’re at, what you have done….stop you from finding God’s Love.

Because….God’s Love is more amazing than anything else you will experience in your life! It’s not going to be easy afterwards. It’ll be harder. You’ll still have trails, you’ll still have all that…but man…the Peace, Wisdom, and Strength God gives to His children is…. I don’t know how to describe it…. I guess it’s like a breathe of fresh air after being stuck in a room filled with 2 month old manure. HA HA!!

Praying for you, Dear Readers…..





Sorry for being quiet! The past month or so has been very hard and had trial after trial hit me hard. At one point I had given someone so much power over myself that I was having suicidal thoughts, things were so dark and awful I knew I needed help! And I got it. The past 6 weeks I’ve been focusing on healing and recovering my brokenness.

I’ve learned many things about myself and I’m kinda disgusted with myself. So I’m working on forgiving me and also God.

That’s right… I’m trying to trust God once again. I know He is there reaching out to me, I know that if i reach my hand out His will be there to grab me and pull me close. But, I have to take that first step again, and it’s a scary one.

Do I really want to give up control? Do I want to trust that God has everything I ever need? I mean I sooo want to do it myself! But, I can see that by me doing it it has gotten me no where. Actually, by me doing it I have put myself in this deep dark hole that I’ve been trying to climb out of like in the movie “Whinnie the Pooh”.  Where they try to trap a Backson, they dig a deep hole, which they all end up in, and they sit at the bottom telling Piglet to help them but He doesn’t understand, Owl could fly each one out but is too self adsorbed to help out,  finally letters appear and Pooh forms a ladder and everyone can get out.

God is pulling me out of that hole, He’s forming that ladder for me. I’m in a lot better place then I once was, I still stumble a bit, but I’m taking each day at a time.


I have a verse that someone gave me, It has been a lifeline for me lately with all the heartache with these trials.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  ~Ephesians 6:10-13

How true that is! My struggle is not with that person, or my husband, or my kids…. but with the dark world that surrounds us.

I’m also learning on how to better put on the Armor of God…. First I need to get into the Word more so that I can have Truth to speak. I am also learning how to pray for others….and not just myself.

So Dear reader…I am praying for you, May you find what you are looking for, May you have peace and wisdom for whatever may be coming your way….and May God Bless you in all you do!


The Second Terror…



So Still working on Revelation. I’ve talked about things up the Chapter 9.  Ya know, the Seals, and now the Trumpets….because the “Terrors” are still part of that.  Since the further you go into this Book of the Bible it gets more and more intense….after the last Terror, I have decided to give a brief account of what i read and then put how it’s impacted my life. Or just how i can put it into practice.

So. The Second Terror,  when the Angel sounds his trumpet 4 other angels are put into play. They’ve been bound at the River Euphrates. I learned that this river stretches from the border of Turkey and moves diagonal down through Iraq and goes into the Persian Gulf. So huge. And these 4 Angels have been bound to this location. The word “bound” gives thought to “tied” “limited” “restricted”. In other words it sounds like these angels have not been allowed to leave this area until now.

These aren’t nice fluffy angels either… they were just waiting for the word to let loose and kill a third of the people on the earth. (seriously, not sure how many are still there after all the other things but apparently we’re bunnies and there’s still more of us) The angels had an army.  200 MILLION all mounted on beasts. Horses with the heads of lions, and tails that are snakes. They breathed Fire, smoke, and sulfur.  And you could tell who did what since the riders were dressed in a certain color; the ones with fire were dressed in red, the ones with smoke were dressed in dark blue, and the sulfur was dressed in yellow.

The snakes that were their tails were allowed to bite and injure people. So not only could you be done in by the plagues from their mouths, you could also be hurt from the snake tails. Nice.

What was surprising to me was that still, even with these riders and their ferocious beasts, those who did not die continued to sin! It lists the sins too.

They continued to worship demons and idols made of gold, silver, bronze, stone, and wood—idols that can neither see nor hear nor walk! 21 And they did not repent of their murders or their witchcraft or their sexual immorality or their thefts.” Rev. 9:20-21

I thought it interesting that the list states theft right up there with murder. I remember a sermon from before, that had gone over the 10 commandments, and how we can easily say “oh that isn’t so bad” about things we do. But God doesn’t see that. All sins are the same in His eyes. I think the difference might be consequences, like with kids when you discipline them. The punishment for disrespect if different then the punishment for physical violence from our kids. All of those are bad in our eyes…. so too all sins are bad in God’s eyes, no matter the magnitude.

It’s made me examine my actions a little closer. To say “I’m sorry” even when i don’t feel like it. And it’s made me seek help for my struggles.  Which i have started up again this last week. I’m excited as I feel more loved in this area then in normal church settings. I also have more things to sit down and pray about and find out what the next step is going to be. I can not let my Fears keep me from doing what God wants me to do.  I  can not cling to the known because that is easy and not as scary.

I’m rambling. So… many changes to come, and still have one more Terror to go over before one of the changes. 🙂

Thanks for reading my silly little rambles.




Just some verses I need to tell myself and read more often. I thought I’d share them with you as I continue to study my other study.



Psalm 28:7

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.

Psalm 19:8

The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes.

Habakkuk 3:18

yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.

(a prayer about God’s wrath and even then, being joyful)

Matthew 13:44

The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.

(giving everything to God, so we can have great joy)

1 Peter 1:8-9

Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

3 John 1:4

I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.

(i know this is Paul talking of new believers, but i pray one day i can say this of my children)

Acts 2:25-28

‘I saw the Lord always before me.
    Because he is at my right hand,
    I will not be shaken.
26 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
    my body also will rest in hope,
27 because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,
    you will not let your holy one see decay.
28 You have made known to me the paths of life;
    you will fill me with joy in your presence.’


I pray you are well… I pray that you find Joy in your life. Thanks for Reading!


The First Terror…



I’ve been struggling with getting alone time with my reading.  I hear my alarm go off in the morning and all i want to do is smash it with a heavy object.  I know it’s my depression trying to take root, whenever I’m depressed i just want to curl up in bed and never get up. It’s safe there, no one can hurt me but myself. And man i’m good at that! You know…hurting myself. not physically… but mentally. “how could i be so stupid?” “why did i say that?” “why did i react that way?” “i’m just so fat and ugly, why would my husband stay?” “my kids hate me, I’m such a mess up!”  I’m down right brutal to myself!!

Why is this important to the reading?  I’m giving you a glimpse to me, I’m not perfect. I make mistakes… I have things in my life that can cloud my judgment. So i want to make sure, don’t just read this and say, ahhh ok got it that’s what that means or cool now i don’t have to read it. No no…please read it too! dive into those verses and see how they talk to you! Because what these words say to me will be different then what they say to you.

Now… The first terror, is also the 5th Trumpet. I thought it interesting that it is called two things.  Chapter 9 starts off with the angel blowing the trumpet and then is says “and I saw a star that had fallen to earth from the sky, and he was given the key to the shaft of the bottomless pit.” (niv)  Whoa… wait…a star is a he? I had to read this verse several times, still it made no sense, so i went to a different translation. “and I saw a star fall from heaven unto the earth: and to him was given the key of the bottomless pit.” King James Version. Still the same! Ugh!


Then i remembered my DH told me about Blue Letter Bible that can help me get the true background on the word. So i looked up this verse on there and this is what i found. The word star the root they used was this “ἀστήρ” “astēr”….looking further it is a masculine noun.  oh, ok. Well then. so not an “Actual star”.  I looked up some commentaries and they go back and forth that it is an Angel that is doing as God asks, or it could be a Fallen Angel, or even THE Fallen Angel…Lucifer.  Once i knew it’s not a star that sprouted hands but a “person” the rest of the reading made sense. And he opened the bottomless pit; and there arose a smoke out of the pit, as the smoke of a great furnace; and the sun and the air were darkened by reason of the smoke of the pit.”(kjv)

So I’m thinking at this point He’s opening the gates of Hell, or maybe just opening the bottom of the Abyss in the ocean.  All we know is that it’s a furnace of some sort, so that means it’s hot, smoke is filling up everything thing around and you’d think that’s bad enough right? Nope! And out of the smoke locusts came down on the earth and were given power like that of scorpions of the earth. ”  Well that escalated quickly!

The rest of the verses tell of how the locusts were not to harm anything put the people still on earth that did not have the seal of God on their foreheads, That they would sting and bite and torture for FIVE MONTHS! (another time frame, interesting) It says that they will beg for death but death will flee from them! Their stings will feel like scorpion stings….but they will not die from it. I tried to imagine scorpion venom pain and not being able to get away from it for 5 months and I just couldn’t do it.

I started asking myself how is this important to me? Why is God wanting me to look and read Revelation? What is he trying to teach me?  This morning I had a break through.  I knew… it made me cry but i knew it was what i needed as a wake up call.  See… I’ve talked about suffering from depression, I’ve also talked about trying to commit suicide in my past.  I feel that God is showing me, things could be so much worse! He knew I was going to hit a low that had me clawing for light, He knew that I was going to entertain those thoughts once again: He had a plan…He was going to show me, life is messy, life is HARD!!! But it’s nothing compared to those that will still be on the Earth during the End.

So even though I cried out to Him to just take me once again, I have his answer right here… “No. I still have plans for you.”  and I have a promise for those plans…

Jeremiah 29:11

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I told my DH about my thoughts, I told God about my thoughts… They have both been working on me to show me that I am loved and wanted…and important.  I learned early on that those Suicide Hotlines are not all they are cracked up to be, if you get someone that cares and has been there…awesome. But must times they just tell you to admit yourself and that’s it. Not the best. I have learned that you need a safe person. Someone that will lean into you, hold you, and truly care. Because you can tell when someone truly cares or not, their body language tells a better story then anything else. And if you need, send me a message, I know, I’ve been there…I’m still there. Hang in there!!


God is our Father, He is going to love us, be firm with us, and so on. He wants what is best for us….but sometimes (specially for me) He needs to be super firm, and show love, but also tell us to “suck it up, cupcake”. For myself I know i have a TON to work on…. but the gentle whispering to my heart reminds me nothing i can do will take His love for me away….except my own actions… I can take MYSELF away from Him. I don’t want that.


Anyways, that is what i got from this this week. The rest of the verses tell about the locusts and how they look. I thought that was pretty interesting, I dusted off my pencils and started sketching it out, got a lot of improvements to make but for not having drawn in 2 years…not bad!


I’m still doing research for the other 2 terrors… Maybe I’ll learn something even more from that! Never take my word for it….always research! The Bible has so much it wants to teach us…dive right on in! Sending love to all you dear readers out there!!