There is a 5 letter word that scares me to my core….. Trust.

I have to be careful or my bitterness that i am working through will pop up and i’ll make it all about those people. But really my problem with Trust comes from my fear of God. Not the good respectful kinda fear, but the “God must hate me” or “God is doing all this bad stuff to me”.

See I’m terrified that if i let go and hand full control over to God, He’s going to tell me that my desires are no good and they will never happen. Things like being able to own and actually ride a horse, being able to have a working and functioning farm, being free from debt, having a nice home (i love my current home, i just want to make it more entertaining friendly).¬† I’m worried I’ll never know what it’ll be like to live with my husband without children, as I desire for all of my kids to move out, but have a feeling my oldest may not be able to with his issues.

Why can’t i “Trust” God with these things? I mean i know that He is better equipped to handle all of these! But my mind says that “I” know better than Him. Which is just silliness! Me…knowing more than God…the Creator of EVERYTHING! Hahahaha!

But it’s hard… that word…. T. R. U. S. T., will He help me? Will He love me? Will He guide me and still let me have a few desires of my heart? I want to be happy, not the human type equivalent of happy, but the deep down soul freeing. light shinning, peace oozing happiness that the Bible talks about. That even during the hardest times, though they will hurt, that i will have that deep down peace to wrap myself in and feel God’s love radiating over me.


I know in my heart that it’s not God that has to prove Himself to me… but myself proving that i can give all control over to God Himself, and continue to do so no matter what my brain says. To help with that i have some great verses painted on canvases around my home to remind me…it’s not God that needs to step it up…but myself.

God is always standing beside us…. He has His hand reached out to us, with safety and comfort woven into a blanket to wrap around us the moment we take that first step towards Him and grab a hold of His hand.

As always, I hope my words help you dear readers, may they never be a stumbling block for you.




Some times it’s just a struggle.

It’s a struggle to get out of bed, or to see the good when bad things keep happening, or even to just not be jealous for things we don’t have.

I’ve been struggling lately, with how our finances are going and with the emotional stress from doing a self inventory again. Today the “What Ifs” came in full tactical gear in my mind and took it hostage. What if i had become pregnant from that boy who used me? What if i had gone off to college in Texas instead of staying in Indiana? What if I hadn’t met my husband? What if I hadn’t gained so much weight after my pregnancies? ….and the list goes on!

Then I struggled with all that i lost from others poor choices and my own. I realized i never truly greived for these things. And i need to! So that i can start healing from it and not let my “what if” mind win.

I’ve also been struggling with my weight again… i hate it! Like I don’t mentally feel fat… but as soon as i look in a mirror i want to throw up, it’s the same when i look at the size of my jeans too! I struggle with the fact that i just love the taste of food and don’t want to miss out on it. I wish it had been comfort… i can work kn that better i think…

I also struggle majorly with staying in the word… i wish i could type up a verse for this and say its my go to and it’s speaking to me but I can’t. Why? Because I have not been reading and soaking in His word…. i feel like a dried out husk… waiting to be pulled and thrown away.

I know God is waiting for me… i just need to stop making excuses and own up to these struggles and start the process of working through them…. but its hard!

I pray that whatever you are struggling with…. that you know you are not alone, that it’s going to be ok, and even when it’s pitch black from our struggles… there’s always a lamp near by! ūüėČ


Life is a rollercoaster….

Have you ever heard this saying and thought “yep, that sums it up!” For myselfthat iswhat this week has been like for me. It’s centered around the fact that parenting is hard!

I won’t go in to details as I don’t want to shame or humiliate my son… lets just say it was a very bad show of what to do with emotions. During the past two days i have to say that i am learning how to respond better in these situations… don’t get me wrong i still was feeling a panic attack coming on but i owned my stuff and let go of the other.

This is a big improvement for me!! I sit here thinking about how things can change so dramaticly over a day… an hour… a few minutes even. At one point everything is going well and then “WHAM!” You feel like your workd is ending!

To be honest.. i don’t want my emotions ruling me! I want God ruling me! See I’m learning that when i let my emotions or feelings be in control… i leave God out of the equation and when that happens Satan comes in and does his lies and whispers that same old song of how I’m not good enough and that I’m a total failure.

So to combat this i have started putting up scripture again and i catch myself reading and whispering it to myself through out the day. It brings a little bit of joy back into my heart and shakes the hold satan has on me.

These are just a few verses about “feelings “:

1 John 3:18-20 (actions speak louderthan words and God is greater than it all)

Titus 2:1&2 (teach true and good things)

When things get bad I always forget to not let the devil win… maybe as i work on myself this will change more. Maybe the next time my son looses his emotions I’ll be able to keep mine in check! Wouldn’t that be awesome?


When i was little i had no clue what the word repent meant, i just knew that it sounded scary and bad! I also thought that, depending on who you asked, you either repented once or once a week! So it was really hard to understand that word.

Recently I am having an opportunity to relearn about this word and what it should mean to me. I have learned that confession and repentance do go hand in hand.

See I’ve learned that if you just confess then you are going to just go back to that struggle and trip up yet again! But if you repent, you are stating that a plan is being put in place to put up guardrails and actively turning away from this struggle or sin.

Looking in on myself has been hard! Seeing just how messed up i am and all the junk that I have been carrying around, yuck! I’m having to learn not only to look at myself but also not to then turn around and beat myself up with shame.

My biggest struggle right now is my food addiction. See I can’t find the main source for this issue. Is it just gluttony? Or maybe comfort issues? Or maybe it has to deal with how i see myself ? Yep, it’s a little frustrating because how can i start making a plan or “repent” if I’m just not sure where i need to set up the guardrails? The verse for today is so timely for this post.

Psalm 121:1-2

I look up to the mountains‚ÄĒ does my help come from there? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth!”

It also brings to mind the story of Paul telling of a “thorn” in his side. There was something he is struggling with and kept asking God to take it away but God says

..Each time he said, ‚ÄúMy grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.‚ÄĚ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

2 Corinthians 12:9

So even if i confess an issue and then repent, putting a plan in place and everything…. God may be needing me to have this thorn so He can still work on me.

Some may go ” that’s awful!” But i love the way a friend put it “God loves your character more than your comfort” God loves us soooo much that He gave His son… He hates seeing us in pain but as a parent He wants us to grow and learn and as wayward children we may need that discomfort.

So I’m going to try and confess and build a safe guard that helps me turn away from the issues but still allows me to grow and learn where i need to.

Anyways just some thoughts and what I’m learning….

The Farm…

So we moved ….and it’s to a small farm!

I feel so Blessed and so peaceful out here! Not only from things being more simpleat home, but also finding a group at church that we finally feel welcomed and be ourselves!

So, what is so special about the farm? To be honest…. nothing. It’s rundown and things are breaking faster than we can fix them at times. We don’t have internet service available to us and we watch DVDs till they wont play no more. Our neighbors don’t socialize with us really, though some are really nice, but most are grumpy and have mean dogs.

So why did I say that I feel more peaceful out here?

For one the sunrise and sunsets are breathtaking to watch! (Yes i get up most days before the sun)

Secondly we started adding farm animals to it and it has brought our kids peace as well. They and us are learning hard lessons too… Momo our kitten was killed by neighbors dogs. That was hard! We got a horse who is from a kill auction. Biggest baby ever! But he’s food aggressive and he has taught me many things lately. (BTW his name is Tiny Marshmallow’s Promise)

The third day we had him i found him in the large pasture instead of the one i put him. He was standing at the gate waiting for me to open it. As i did so, and closed the gate again, I watched as he slowly plodded over to the connecting fence. He looked at me, looked at fence, and proceeded to “STEP OVER” the fence! He than plodded up to the gate and looked at me to open it once again!

To put it mildly I was stunned. I ended up leaving the gate to the two fields open, but it gave me a taste of the first lesson God has shown me.

How many times do i step over the fence God has put in my life and then stand at the gate wanting Him to fix my pigheadedness? How many times has He stood there with the gate wide open for me but instead i take the hard way?

I’m also learning to appreciate the insects on our farm. We have zipper spiders…

Which eat the grasshoppers and wasps….

And we have Red Velvet Ants

Which are flightless wasps that eat burrowing killer bees and other venomous insects. But will sting you if you mess with them ( and you will be in pain for days)

We have tons of colorful dragonflies and butterflies as well! Which brightens my day just watching them.

God is teaching me so much!

Have a blessed week!

At It Again…

Sorry it’s been so long! We have had a harder time finding internet service at the new place. We’ve been settling down and slowly making the place ours.

I have to say that life is pretty darn good right now! It still has it’s hard spots but I’ve been working hard on looking at things the way Jesus does. God gave me this gift and I don’t want to take it for granted anymore.

I’m still learning a lot about myself and working on some of my insecurities. I’m also learning how to set healthy boundaries for my own wellbeing. Which is hard because others see it as I’m just trying to be a jerk and I don’t care about them. So not true! I’m setting these because I love them! I’m also learning that there are some that I have to love from a distance…. I love them but they are too toxic or violent to continue to have them close to me or my family.

I’m learning to let go… I’m not going to hang on super tight to things and relationships anymore.. I’ve realized that I’m looking too hard at relationships for my self worth. So I am looking for a new balance of give and take. I’m not perfect I struggle hard with not feeling wanted and so I don’t try as hard as i should sometimes to be there for others. But I’m working on it.

A verse that is currently working to restore my faith is John 8:36. God sent Jesus to set us free… He sent Him to set ME free!! Recovery has helped me come so far… this verse goes right along with it…. and so for my birthday I did a thing… I got a tattoo! It incorporates my family, recovery, and God’s promise. It’s not done but it’s looking awesome.

The diamonds are for my family… my treasures. The circle is for the craziness of addiction and abuse… it’s broken because I have decided to break it. The open rose for the growth I’ve made and the closed one for the growth to come. The butterfly stand for grace, beauty, and freedom. And of course the verse is in the center. Still have some colors to add but yeah.

I’m still a work in progress and I’m going to mess up but I’m going to work hard anyways.

Thanks for reading!



A while back i was really broken. I’m still very broken…. I joined a recovery program called ReGeneration, Faithbased 12 step program. I hear it’s starting up in many churches, so if you’re in need google it! See if one near you is starting it up.

We’ve been having a ton of things come up recently. It’s been a struggle with my middle one acting out at school and needing help so much.¬† Then the youngest regressed in potty training, had him all good and then bam “oh i don’t want to go potty in the potty”.¬† Then on top of that my oldest has discovered girls and they’re not that gross, but also wants to act out and misbehave.¬† To top off the stressful “sundae” of fun… we’re moving again.¬† There will be new stresses but I’m very hopeful that this will be our last move.

Normally I’d be freaking out about now and a crazy wreck… but I think working on my during this time has really helped to tone down the crazy. Ha! So I’m going to stick with it! I’ve commited to this adventure till Janurary! We’ll see how it goes. I’ll try and blog more but it may have to wait till after the move…

I hope you all are doing well!





I struggle. I have struggles.

One of them is that I’m scared that I’m not in the “right religion”, or that “I didn’t do it right”, or “that I’m just not good enough”. I thought I had worked through this fear and had given it to God and worked past it, but apparently not.¬† See, satan likes to pick up things we “THINK” we’ve worked through and say “hey, let’s rock the boat today!”

This last week was one of those times. Bringing all of this to the front. But God knew and reached down, giving me verses to His promises and how I can be confident.

First of all, Salvation is easy!! Seriously…. John 3:16-17 says it all…

16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.

That’s it? You just have to know Jesus is God’s son? And believe that He came to save the world? Really?

“to give his people the knowledge of salvation
    through the forgiveness of their sins     Luke 1:77

When the teachers of the law who were Pharisees¬†saw him eating with the sinners and tax collectors, they asked his disciples: ‚ÄúWhy does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?‚Ä̬†On hearing this, Jesus said to them,¬†‚ÄúIt is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.¬†Mark 2:16-17

Ok, confess our sins and know we are sinners? But still…. that’s it? (another good verse on this is Romans 10:8-11) but what about good works?

Dear friends, you always followed my instructions when I was with you. And now that I am away, it is even more important. Work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear.  For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.   Philippians 2:12,13

So if we truly believed then our actions would show this by wanting to do good? But what is I mess up and stumble?

18 And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[a] I want to do what is right, but I can’t. 19 I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. 20 But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.   Romans 7:18-20

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.   James 5:16
That’s it.¬† You Believe, Confess, Repent, and Work to do Good for God. And there is nothing that can take our salvation away!
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.    Romans 8:37-39
That last one is just so powerful!!¬† NOTHING…. NOTHING!!…can take away that peace, that love!
There are so many religions out there… I have to say that live off the fact you have to work crazy hard at being good enough, or you have to meet a “quota” in order to be accepted… I’d rather not do that. I don’t want to spend all my life wondering if I met that number or was good enough.
As I’ve told people before… I’d rather for the one that promises everything for just a little…that tells me no matter what I do I’m going to be loved and be held and be safe in this life and in the next….with no strings attached.
That… is why I love Faith Believers, not just “christians” but True 100% Followers of God. I’m not good enough, there are no gimmicks, no matter my past, I’m in. He wants me. I can’t loose it.¬† I love that Peace!
I just wanted to share that. I don’t like being pushy of my Faith, because really, either you want it or not, but I wanted to share what it all means and how and so on.
And satan can take his tricks and stuff them!! God’s¬† got this!!





Conviction: Definitions

1 a formal declaration that someone is guilty of a criminal offense, made by the verdict of a jury or the decision of a judge in a court of law.

2 a firmly held belief or opinion.


When I first learned of convictions, it was confusing. Because the world says one thing, and the Bible reads in a different way.  After looking at different verses, I think 1 Thessalonians 1 talks good about some too. But I also found:

Romans 14:22 [Full Chapter]

So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who does not condemn himself by what he approves.
See I always thought that if someone had a “conviction” it meant that we all had to share in it, we all had to follow it.¬† If you read the whole chapter of Romans 14, they go other what the Bible says about this matter.
But those two definitions… I think they go hand in hand really. If we are true Believers of Christ then we admit that we have sinned (guilty of a criminal offense), and know that we need a Savior.¬† Our sins give us a light to our convictions. If we had/have a problem with drinking then our conviction may look like not going to bars, or being around alcohol.
So when i posted yesterday about this with music, I’m convicted to not listen to certain kinds of music, does that mean others can’t listen to it? Nope, it means “I”¬†can not listen to it.
Convictions are God’s way to talk to us about how to go about changing our lives from the sinful old way, to the new peace filled wonderful life. We all seem to forget that we’re all broken, we all have a path to follow, it’s up to us and God what it looks like.
I’ll use myself as an example again, here are some of my “convictions” or “sins” i need to stay away from:
  1. ¬†Social Media (i get so jealous, envious, and so on if I’m on there. This posts my blog but otherwise i’ve cut out social media)
  2. Secular and Country Music (i struggle with depression, for me these do not help with that)
  3. Sexy rated R Movies (i struggle with lust, watching these are not a good idea for me)
  4. Alcohol and Smoking (yep used to do both, i started drinking again, i realized this was very bad and making all the other issues way worse, I personally have to just stay away)

These are just a few…. and they can change too, maybe we don’t need that guardrail any more? That’s awesome!¬† I don’t like saying no to these things, but I also know that if I do that God is going to hold me up and say “Good for you!” This things here also show me how much I still have to work on and I’m so glad I have my recovery group to be there and help me through it all!


Convictions don’t have to be scary, they don’t have to be bashed over heads. They are there for those of us that want to truly better ourselves.

What are your thoughts on it? Do you have some?

Anyways, praying for you dear readers!


A Playlist…



Lately when I read or first wake up I turn on my favorite playlist. To get me going first thing I have the songs that make my soul sing to the Lord. These always help me to wake up but also to start my day. I thought I’d share them with you:

  • Reckless Love, by Cory Asbury
  • God is on the Move, by 7eventh Time Down
  • I feel so Alive, by Capital Kings
  • Just Hold On, by Citizen Way
  • Sparrows, by Jason Gray
  • Mended, by Matthew West
  • Adventure, by Matthew Parker
  • Electric, by Manic Drive
  • Making Me New, by Royal Taylor

I have tons more on there by really good artists, but these are my top ones! And there’s a little for everyone too…. My kids love that I do my best to put different styles in there (we listen to it in the car too). So we have some alternative, hard rock, rap, contemporary, and some “techno”. These are all Christian artists. Ones that I have looked up and said “yeah, let’s follow their music and see how it goes”.

Reckless Love is beautiful… i just can’t get it out of my head, God is not going to let anything stand in the way of HIS love to us….He’s going to leave the 99 that are safe and come and get us that are lost and searching and bring us home.

I can’t play music, the notes always confuse me to pieces. I did try playing the Flute for a while in school but it just wasn’t me. I love to sing but again my voice is not awesome, HA! But in the mornings it doesn’t matter, It’s just between me and God…well and my toddler, but I sing at the top of my heart. Music has always moved and talked to me in a special way.

When I was struggling with my Faith and living in sin as a teen and young adult, I listened to whatever I wanted to. Thinking that it didn’t matter, it wouldn’t affect me. But for me (this is where convictions come in, talk about this tomorrow) I can’t do that. I love all kinds of music but because it speaks to my heart so much, I have to be stern with myself and stick with Christian music for the most part. I’ll still listen to songs from my youth growing up but before I do i put a guard up around my heart.

I have to do this with books too. Which makes me a little sad but the benefits are so much better for me if I listen and obey about this.

Anyways,¬† I hope you give the songs a try, maybe you’ll like them. Maybe you’ve already heard them. You can find all of them on Youtube or Spotify.¬† Just wanted to share a bit of myself with these.